Published October 9, 2009
Not sure if this is good. Just started writing. Please let me know if this is good so far.
I looked down at street at the plethora of cigarette buds and other trash. Disgusting.
"You shouldn't be looking at the trash, I think it could be bad for your brain"
"Shut up!" I yelled.
" No, you should be going to work right now. Remember that you promised your boss you would finally be arriving to work on time>"
"Why can't you mess with somebody Else's brain! You know you have not even mentioned who or what you are to me?"
People began to stare. I was a walking freak show to them and always would be as long as this thing talked to me. Who knew that when voices started talking to you in your head you would be considered crazy!
"I feel bad for you I really do, it's not my fault I'm drawn to you! Oh and in case you didn't know I am a human as yourself. My name is Ryan and I've noticed that I can put thoughts in peoples head, for some reason I've choose you to be that person."
"Oh thank you almighty Ryan I feel relieved! But really, please choose someone else to annoy!"
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140,179 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ahh well this is oddly adorable and yet scary at the same time here. Its somewhat cute to have someone randomly staring at trash and have an almost sibling like banter moment there for this other person to go ahead and just point out this one declaration, but at the same time the idea of these private thoughts being revealed out in the open does happen to be rather terrifying.
This seems like the point where that terror sets in proper with these things starting to affect how this person is able to interact with the outside world and causing other consequences that do seem rather dangerous from the general feel of things going on here. Its a rather dangerously powerful blend of humor and terror here.
Ahhh the ending sums up the feelings you create perfectly here. It sounds just like the best kind of banter you see across certain duos in stories but the idea of private thoughts being on display to someone who just abuses that idea is also simultaneously incredibly terrifying and its almost even more terrifying how easily we don't see it as a horrible thing simply from the humor.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
That was really good. I like how you started withe something so random and you're building it into something so large. But I think the expaining on how he can get into other people's minds should be re-aranged
Thanks for all the feedback. I don't know fi I will continue this was kinda a fist time thing.
Thank you all!
Hello, PuffSammy. My name is Jayleigh and I will review for you this evening.
First off, this is two different sentences. Second, how on earth could that hurt one's brain? Is Ryan a child? Adult? What does his voice sound like inside your MC's head?
Umm. No. Wouldn't she have a mental thought. Something like: Oh, not you again. Something to tell your reader that this is not the first visit from Ryan.
Weird little arrow at the end? Umm edit it out.
Hmm, split this up. Have her ask about the messing with somebody else's brain first. Then have him answer what he says following(about being drawn to her). Then have her ask what he is to her.
This is a rather confusing rant and not a thought train. Where is she?
He talks kind of...different. You know? So not human. Also, comma after 'Oh' and your last sentence should be two different sentences.
"Oh, thank you, almight Ryan. I feel so relieved." After a moments pause, I continue in a more pleading tone. "Seriously, could you pick on someone else? Please?" Doesn't that sound better?
Okay. So, I really really like the idea you have started. I just wish it could be longer. Please do continue with this. I'd love to see where you take it.
-Jayleigh
My dearest Sammy, this was great! Told you you should post something.
OK, onto the review...
It was a really good idea, but there was a few grammatical errors, and I definitely think you should write more about Ryan and the mystery girl. Good job!
(Are you using the spell check?)
Love,
Your Favorite Nutty Ever
Okay, I liked it a lot. I mean, a lot. I thought there was a problem of info dump, however [I get that all the time]. How about you split it up into more conversation? Such as:
"Leave me alone you freak!"
"Who's the freak? Buy yeah, maybe you're right. I mean, people shouldn't be able to do this.Put thoughts in other people's heads and stuff."
"People?"
"Well, yeah. I'm human."
Something along those lines, maybe? Have you maybe read or seen "As the death god dictates"? I'm not recomending it, and the characters [in my opinion] were behaving all wrong, but if you'd like, it talks about the same main thing. She's the only one who sees him, and everybody think she's going crazy, while he's annoying the bujibees out of her.
Umm, another little problem. He chose her? Out of thin air? No. Very, highly unlikely. I mean, think about it, if you were him, and you were attatching your mind to one person, you wouldn't just pick someone off the street. Much less a girl! Unless he had an ulterior motive, in which case it's fine, I would like some explenation. If he's simply the crazy type who would shrug and say "Just for the fun of it" then that's okay too, but that's a certain kind of character that you see a lot - think hard about if you want to develop it like this.
As I said before, I like your plot line.I also think the conversation was witty, and for a short conversation very intruiging. You wrote I choose, I think you meant chose, as in past. But okay. I thought some of the lines were very unfluent, such as: You have not. People [normally] don't talk like that. In order to make it more fluent, I suggest "You haven't" and the likes. Okay, done with that. You capetilized the E. No need to do that.
I think I got a sense of you MC, as well as Ryan [loved the name] and I liked it. If you do keep writing it, please PM me with the link.
Thanks
ofir
I think you have a very good idea here (I tried writing something similar a long time ago). Anyway, this could be expanded on. How does Ryan put thoughts in other peoples' heads? How did he find this out? How did your main character find out that he was in her head? Was she scared? Besides feeling annoyed, what else is she feeling?
You have a quick change of emotions here. Actually, I think your main character is overreacting a bit. Why is she so mad?
OK, you give us a whole lot of information in a few sentences. How is Ryan "drawn" to your main character? How did he just "notice" that he could put thoughts into other peoples' heads?
Also, where are your descriptions? What do your characters look like? What does the setting look like?
So, this could be much longer and you need to expand more. Right now, it's too short. You don't give us enough information.
But, I am interested to see where you take this. It's a good idea! Oh, and here at YWS we have a 3:1 review/work ratio thingy. You have to critique 3 other pieces of writing before you post something of your own, or else you won't get any reviews. Check the Information Desk for the rules.
Good luck and I hope I helped!
Sasha