The story of my life from a comfy chair

The story of my life from a comfy chair

Day 1

I cautiously stepped into the room which seemed to be an attempt at being welcoming but considering why I was there, and why other people went there, it seemed more like an observation room for people like me. It had calm colours and soft chairs, and a big desk in the middle which made the room like a cross between a lounge and an office. One of the soft chairs was oddly shaped, it was long and one end was tilted back slightly in order to give the sitter a head rest. “Do you like what I’ve done with it?” the man behind the big desk said in a friendly and inviting tone that i was supposed to return but could never quite master. Before answering I glanced around, the man must’ve thought I was judging his taste, which I was as I walked across the room scanning it with my eyes, but mostly I was just delaying my answer to give me time to adjust to this familiar yet peculiar situation. “Yes” I finally said “It looks as if you put a lot of effort into making people think they are welcome”.

“I’m glad you like it John and yes you are welcome even if you don’t feel it.” How did he know what I was thinking? He must be very skilled in this area. “Please sit” he says as he directs me to the oddly shaped chair. I sit on it and try to relax because I think that’s what I was supposed to do “Just relax John” the man’s calming and gentle yet administrative and authoritative voice said . He came across as if he would nurture you with one hand but he could easily push you down with the other. So yes definitely what I was supposed to do was relax but I think the man understood why that was difficult. “Now John we both know why you're here, you’re a smart kid you know I have files about you”

“Files? Plural? I thought there’d only be one” I said with a shock. He smiled before giving his response “You’re more important than you think John” I can’t say I didn’t feel special but it worried me that that may be for the wrong reasons. “Usually what I do John is ask people like yourself, to sit in the chair like you are now, and as painful as this may sound, relive the moments leading up to their admittance to our hospital.” This sounded like a good plan to me but even if it didn’t he is the one with the notepad after all, do I really have a choice? “Ok” I said “That sounds as if it will work.”

“Closure” I again interrupted, I suppose at some sort of attempt to impress the man sitting behind me taking notes on who I was. “Very good.” The man complimented “Have you researched this sort of thing or studied it?”

“No” I said “But I’ve heard it on TV shows and films”

“Ah ok” the man said with a smile but then proceeded to adjust himself as if the chit chat was over and the serious talk was about to begin. “So John let’s start right from the beginning, tell me about the first time you began to feel, erm how can I say this?.”

“Like the lowest form of being? The scum of the Earth? The dirt on the bottom of everyone’s shoe?” I suggested.

“That’s not quite the image I had in mind John and for the sake of your recovery I would prefer if you would refrain from calling yourself such things.” The man looked down at the floor then up at me as if he knew that was indeed how I felt but didn’t want to accept it. He then finally, said “However, when talking about your past since it was how you felt you may say such things, so please start from the beginning.” Yes the chit chat was over and the analysis had begun.

“It all started about a year ago in secondary school. I was never really happy at that point. I might’ve smiled from time to time but the truth was I always felt a sense of emptiness and apathy, as if I never really felt anything about anything. I was, on this day however grinded down, lots of things had happened that day that had brought me down to a level where rather than not feeling anything about anything I felt like everything was bothering me and pulling me down like a ten ton anchor.”

“What made you think in this way John?” the man interjected.

“Oh nothing important” I returned but before I could explain why he again interrupted and said

“John, everything is important” and since I had no argument for that I simply nodded and began to continue except with the added detail of what had happened. “What had happened was that all day I seemed to be rather ‘accident prone’. Tripping over numerous people only for them to ‘accidentally’ kick me while I was down, literally. I ached and I’m pretty sure I was bruised. I wasn’t having a good day and this all had only happened because I told one person my secret. One person I thought I could trust but it turns out I was very wrong in my attempt to establish some sort of connection with someone else, deep enough to tell them this secret. I’ve been told by the people that work at this hospital, that I shouldn’t be ashamed of it and that it should not be a secret since it is now, according to them, society’s job to respect and accept it, but looks like the people who bothered me on that day, simply won’t.” “If you don’t feel comfortable John you don’t have to tell me” the man said.

“However, to my lack of surprise, the girl that I had told this to, met me in the middle of the corridor at what must’ve looked like a cowboy showdown where only one person had a gun and was aware it was happening .”

“Yuk!” she began with a disgusted expression “I can’t believe your kind are in this school, it sickens me.”

“Then she jerked her hand splashing her cold drink in my face.It felt like a cloud had just burst all over me, drenching me, and reminding me of my misfortune.I knew how

these things went. In a couple of seconds I’d be covered in people as well as whatever soft drink was on my face so I’d better make a dash to the bathroom and hope that they leave me alone. I heard a few echoing voices shout derogatory slurs as I dashed toward bathroom, I assumed that now these were now my new names. Out in the corridor I was surprisingly collected, but when I reached the solitary confinement of the bathroom I broke down. I crumpled to the floor, shattered like weak glass.It was horrible. I couldn’t hear the actual voices of my ex-peers who had now claimed their position above mine. I don’t know if they had dispersed or if I was just blocking the sound of their taunts but either way they had gone. Now all I could hear was those echoing voices. Circling round my mind like a tortuous broken record. I had weeped out an ocean, but I wasn’t just upset; I was enraged, beyond my breaking point. Not angry at the echoing voices, not angry at the girl, I was only angry at my own lack of normality. I began screaming at myself, then muttering things I had heard being said by the mob of echoing voices and finally, I think this is what is probably underlined in the file on me, dug my nails into the top if my head as hard as I could as a sort of punishment I guess. Since I had brought this all upon myself.”

“Then the world came flooding back. My life, the school, the bathroom and the people. Everything all came flooding back in one big wave. I suddenly felt, saw and heard my surroundings after I had released pressure from the top of my head.I then, after some effort, pulled myself up, wiped away my tears, and began to walk out the bathroom. It was the end of the day now and I had to go home to my mother who was most likely worried sick about me being late, or at least that’s how she would justify, ‘it’. “John, what’s ‘it’?” the man said. I glanced at his clock “I think you’ll find the session is finished I guess I will tell you tomorrow.”

“Right, yes”he said slowly “The usual time since you seem comfortable with it”

“Ok” I simply replied then walked out and, with the guiding of the nurses, returned to my bed where I finally rested my head.

Day 2

As I did yesterday, I went to see the man. Just in the same way as before he got up at my presence, something I didn’t really see as necessary, I scanned both him and the surroundings with me eyes and we shook hands greeted each other and I sat on the chair. But something wasn’t quite right with the man. He looked almost shaken up. As if something had spooked him and he was waiting to tell me about it. This didn’t seem right considering what the man did I’m sure he wouldn’t get too drawn into all the stories he hears. Then he, with some desperation, urged me to sit down. “Is something the matter?” I asked him bewildered with his whole mannerism. “Nothing, no-” He paused for a thought that may have been about whether or not he should tell me. “Well, yes actually, it’s your case, what you said before it all just seems-”

“Horrific?” I interjected having heard it from so many different people in this hospital

“Yes I’m sorry I don’t normally get shaken up by these sessions.”

“What makes me so special?”

“I guess the fact that yesterday was only the start.” I glanced him up and down, trying to see if he was going to crack.”Are you sure you want me to tell you the rest?” I asked as I began to see the doubt in his eyes, that’s when I put the pieces together,I knew he was quite young. He was new to this.”Yes John, definitely.” I could see in it his eyes. They say the eyes are the gateways to the soul but I didn’t need to go through them. The gates were crumbling. Hopefully by the end of my time here he will find a way to build them up or cope with the damage.

“So John would you kindly tell me the rest of the story?”

“I don’t think I could fit that in one day” I saw the man’s heart sink as he heard that, and his eyes looked at me sympathetically “But I’ll say as much as I can in the hour”

“Ok John go ahead”

“I only managed to get to the alley down by house before I started hearing them again. All those voices, all those people. It nearly overwhelmed me but I couldn’t let it I had to compose myself for mother. If she knew-” I paused at this moment as I involuntarily shuddered.at the thought of what my mother would do and what she inevtiably did since I was late.I composed myself again and regained eye-contact with the man.”She would punish me for my mistakes” I continued. “How would she punish you John?”

“Well on this particularly unfortunate day she punished me in the following way...”

“She glared at me with her ever so piercing eyes that were breaking down any defenses I had against any kind of event that was about to unfold”

“Where the hell have you been?!”

“She screamed as she slammed the door behind me. I was almost disorientated from how loud her yelling was and ferociously she had slammed the door” “Mother I-” but as I stammered out those words she yelled again.

“Ugh don’t even bother trying to explain yourself I know why you were late it’s because you’re a terrible son who doesn’t even care enough about his own mother to get home on time! You have absolutely no respect for me, after everything I’ve done for you John. Everything I’ve gotten you through. You know what John?! Your existence sickens me and you’ve plagued my life since your first breath. ”

“Mother please I tried-” “I pleaded. But it was no use, she hated me, every inch of me. There was nothing I could right by her and that really hit my heart.”

“Or maybe I’m just a bad mother and I’m not raising you right is that what it is? Huh John?!

“No mother please don’t say things like that.” “I pleaded with no avail”

“Of course that’s why”

“She then began to break” I said to the man, preparing him. “She started crying, loudly the sound of it still haunts my nights and surrounds my days” “She then made a dash for the kitchen, yanked open the knife draw, and before I could react, had a sharp knife poised on her own wrist”

“Look John!” “She screeched, tears streaming from her eyes”

“This is what you do to me! By being who you are! Turning up home late! And not being a good son for me!”

“You’re right mother” “I agreed,hoping to avoid her hurting herself” “You don’t deserve pain mother ok? I do so just stab me mother instead please.N-n-n no please mother of you were killed I wouldn’t know what to do with myself... Teach me instead mother, teach me what I did was wrong.” “She glanced at me agreed me with me without saying a word and then without much hesitation, plunged the knife into my outstretched hand”

“Oh my god John, that’s awful” “The pain must’ve been excruciating” the man said with a frightened look.

“It was” I replied “The pain was like a fire that started at the point of impact and began to set alight the rest of my body. I screamed out in agony. It was,for a few moments, unbearable. I thought I was losing consciousness, but then I tried to regain my strength. For Mother.

“I didn’t dare call an ambulance mother would not like the attention, so while she sat on the floor crying about the ordeal, I grabbed the first aid kit left out on the counter. I hastily opened it and began to disinfect the wound and wrap it up. The disinfectant also burned, a lot but I did not scream I just squinted in the pain. As I glanced around I couldn’t help but notice mother curled up in a ball on the floor, knife in hand, with my blood. She dropped the knife. This was good.”

“I’m so sorry for what you, for what I have to do John I just-”

“It’s ok mother”I reassured her “I know it’s not your fault” “I then sat with her and everything seemed to just fade away for a while, while we sat together.” I looked the man up and down he seemed dumbstruck by what I had just said. “John I can’t believe you would do that for someone who had obviously took so much from you. Done so much to you”

“Like I said to her, it’s not her fault” I then looked over at the clock, got up and began to leave.

“Is the time up already?” the man said, which was strange because I thought he would be the one who was keeping track of the time. “Yes I think so goodbye.”

“Goodbye John” I was then, again, guided back to my bed where I rested my head for night’s sleep.

Day 3

As if by some ritualistic routine, I sat down again with the man on his oddly shaped and comfy chair, his notepad at the ready. He was intrigued now as well as shaken. As if he were some sort of reporter with a really juicy but twisted story. I suppose in a lot of ways that was what this was. Like a biography, a dark and damaged biography covered in my blood.

“So I’m guessing you want to hear the next part”

“Yes John” he said but then he hesitated and began to speak again. “John I’ve noticed something”

“About me?”

“Yes, you’ve never referred to me by any title or name. When I asked some of the nurses if they had heard or seen any reason why, they didn’t know they just said you didn’t really trust or talk to anyone. Why is that John?”

“Do you think it would be beneficial if I trusted people?”

“Of course I do.”

“Well I trust you-” I paused for a long while I always hated names and titles and the like they all just seemed to create more vivid images in my head of the people that had crushed me, and shattered me. No the only person I gave title to was mother, mother is very important to me, more important than my own self. “I trust you doctor” I finally said.

“Please John call me Alex”

“That’s going to take a while to get used to.- Alex so, just...bear with me”

“Ok John now if you’d like to begin”

“Ok.But before I start, I’d like to say-” I paused again, almost choked “Thank you.” He smiled and nodded as if to say it was his mere duty.

“My last encounter with mother had taught me something.” I began “I needed to adjust to pain. It was going to happen again and I couldn’t scream like I did last time otherwise someone, like a concerned neighbour, might start seeing some sort of pattern then feel the need to step in. I couldn’t simply just use a pillow or something to muffle my screams because mother likes the house tidy so I couldn’t keep pillows in the kitchen.Plus I was pretty ashamed that I made mother cry like that so if I could find a way to control myself it might help. I thought long and hard, but what kept happening was the broken record of teenage voices kept spitting out the same tune. It was then I had a brainwave. I needed to do a similar thing again and again. Just like the voices had worn me down perhaps I could wear down the nerves in my body.”

The man,or Alex as he likes to be called now, remained completely silent and still almost eager for me to continue. “I started out relatively small, it was difficult at first but it got easier. I began to slowly acclimatize to cold metal being dragged across my skin. Each scar that I left on my wrist was a milestone. I was very careful not to get caught by anyone when doing this. It would only draw negative attention and therefore displease mother. I always wrapped up my wounds and cleaned the blood, after all infection wasn’t what I was trying to build an immunity to rather ironically, I was just getting used to pain. While I did feel the same burn as I did when mother punished me, when I did it, it was smaller and easier to extinguish and I got used to it all. After a while I began fading out slightly when I did it which was euphoric for a short period but I then snapped myself back to reality as while I was trying to get used to the pain I was not trying to escape it. No I didn’t deserve that. I was sick and twisted. Being who I was was disgusting and I deserved some sort of disciplining for being who I was and trusting someone with that very information. If you’re wondering where I did it, it was quite routinely in my bedroom after school everyday then frustration induced by the voices,both real and in my head, helped me do it. I had a small blade in my drawer that the people who brought me here have most likely found by now. It was from my father. We both knew the infamous click all too well and we both knew what it meant for us. Although, if you asked mother if that were true she’d deny it.”

“Why is that John?”Alex asked.

“Because she is still in love with him, even though he left us five years ago after declaring how much of a mistake we both were.”

“I’m so sorry John.” Alex said

“Don’t be.”

“Do you want to talk about your father John?”

“Maybe in a different session but for now,Alex, I’d rather try and stay on this topic,one at a time you know?”

“Yes of course please continue.”

“Ok” I said as I began to remember where I was in this part of my story. “I thought I was doing well with my training, if you can call it that, when something bad happened.”

“What happened John?” Alex asked intrigued but in a way frightened.

“When I came home to mother ,after a grinding day at school, she was standing there, waiting for me. Her fiery,scorned eyes burning through mine. I cautiously walked up to her but for some reason she didn’t say a word, just glared at me. While this did speak a thousand words it wasn’t any I was hoping to hear. Then suddenly, before I could even utter a syllable, she punched me right in the jaw. Although she was no boxer she could still knock me down that fast. The wood floor giving me a second smack on the way down as if to add further injury to injury rather than just insult. Then mother made a god awful noise hacking up from her lungs.it seemed, dirty spit and firing it at me. I’m not sure exactly what had provoked her but it didn’t seem to matter as I was confined to the floor by my lack of will.”

“What was there to do besides stay down? I thought by this time I would’ve gotten used to things like this from mother, or anyone else for that matter, but no. I cried. Wept. Shed the tears of a thousand infants. I was weak, always have been. I don’t think I could’ve changed that.”

“I’m so sorry John that must’ve been tremendously difficult.”

“Alex, I appreciate your empathy but you have no reason to apologize and like I said before thank you for listening to me when I don’t think anyone else would.” He smiled with a tear in his eye. “The hour’s up.” He said “You can leave now if you want.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow Alex.”

“Goodnight John.” And with that I left and returned to my bed where I slowly fell asleep.

Day 4

Rather suddenly this time, Alex greeted me. He was getting more and more intrigued it seemed every session. “John” He said to me in a eager tone “Quickly, sit” He jerked one arm at the chair as he said this and closed the door behind me with another. “Why the sudden urgency?” I asked him confused by his tone and the way he practically dragged me on to the oddly shaped, comfy chair. “Well it seems John that every time something new and important comes up, the times up and you have to go. So I want to get as much out if you as I can before you go.”

“Ah I see” I said finally understanding his whole mannerism.

“Please do begin John. With your father”

“There’s not much to say.He wasn’t a pleasant man.” I was repelled by the mere mention of him; it brought a shiver down my spine and a sick taste in my mouth.

“Please John tell me everything he did it will be very beneficial.”

“Fine.” I reluctantly agreed “I’ll tell you what that sick man did.”

“He was a big man, especially to me at that age, a big man who could throw his weight about. I know he could do this because I’d witnessed,what I can only assume was, drug dealer after drug dealer fighting my father. Tables and chairs were smashed over heads. Most knives were bloody from the various fights . All the furniture would be smashed and then be replaced using the money that would’ve been perhaps spent on food for me and mother. The only memories I have of him when he wasn’t fighting them was when he was either taking some drug or another or taking off his belt so he could use it as a weapon. On us. It cracked like a whip. Felt like one too as it slapped against my skin. The vibrations shook my bones and cracked my nerves. The pain travelled quickly all through my body then began to pulsate at the point of impact. Mother got the same treatment along with some verbal abuse that I do not wish to repeat but I think you can probably get an idea of what it was. When he talked to me he repeated that he could ‘beat it out of me’ over and over I’m guessing he was talking about the thing that made me different from everyone else, that made me broken. I suppose it’s a shame that percussive maintenance did not work on me from the start otherwise it could’ve stopped and perhaps I wouldn’t be here, no offence.”

“John there is not anything that makes him harming you a good thing. In any way, shape or form . Like you said he was a sick man. You have to understand that it wasn’t your fault.”

“As much as I could try and argue with you Alex I’m going to simply agree. It seems you know what you’re talking about and would probably have some way of beating me in the argument..” Alex gave a proud smile and his eyes lit up. I liked that. It made me feel, like I’ve become something less than a burden. “John I must say you are making tremendous progress I’m very proud of you.”

“Thank you.” I said with a smile, although I wasn’t sure if I agreed. “Do you want me to continue?”

“Yes John tell me about why he left and when and things like that, or anything else you wish to say.”

“I couldn’t stand watching mother being hurt this way. Especially since at the time all I could do was blame myself since that’s who everyone else, by which I mean mother and him, seemed to blame. It broke me everytime, watching her bleed, watching the consciousness slowly begin to fade out of her. Each drop of blood that escaped from her wounds caused thousands of tears to be shed from my eyes. It destroyed me watching her being beaten so savagely. I was a child but I no longer had a childhood.”

“How old were you when this was happening?”

“It’s all a bit fuzzy in my head but he’d been doing it for as long as I can remember. Either that, or he’d done it so much that I had no other memories. No birthdays. No playing in the park. No telling the tales of my first day at school. Just beating, after beating, after beating. That is all I remember. And nothing else more.”

“Eventually though, to my indescribable relief, he was finally afraid of the drug dealers, or the gangs or who ever he’d annoyed. They showed up at the house. Booted down the door. One grabbed me by my neck and held me in a choke hold as the other three threatened my mother. I could barely breathe but I managed to stay conscious long enough for my crying mother to tell the men that she didn’t know where my father was.”

“I wish I knew where he was I love him so much and just wish he would come home to us.” She cried and pleaded to the men.

“I couldn’t care less what you think of him but what will you think of yourself when I kill your little boy here because you wouldn’t speak up about where he is?” The leader of the pack replied in bloodlust.

“Please!” She yelled “I don’t know where he is!” The leader then smashed a glass bottle on the wall and held the fractured glass against my neck. I didn’t struggle or plead although I shook violently with fear. This wasn’t up to me or even my mother by this point as she genuinely didn’t know where he was. Then the leader got a phone call. He talked over something with his contact then proceeded to smile and hang up the phone. “Looks like it’s your lucky day.” he began in what sounded like the voice of a movie or comic book psychopath. “I would kill you both but it seems I just don’t have the time.” He shrugged as if he thought it were a shame. I shivered as if he was my greatest fear. “We found him and are about to go get him, we’ll tell him you both said hi.” The man holding me then shoved me to the floor and the last thing I heard was a quiet plea from my mother

“Please..don’t kill him.”

“Did you ever find out what happened to him?”

“No, Alex, and to be honest with you dead or alive, I don’t care as long as he stays away from me and mother.”

“I see” Alex said simply, understanding my resentment toward my father. “The hours up John”

“Thank you Alex, for listening, goodnight”

“Goodnight John.”

Day 5

“Hello John what would you like to talk about today?” Alex said to me with a smile on his face. As if he were proud of me for I’d be doing so far. But he knew that what I was about to say next was on my file. He knew I’d done it.I wasn’t just a “victim” I was a perpetrator. I’m surprised he didn’t mention this earlier to be honest, it was quite a big thing. I suppose he was waiting for me to admit it. Own up to it. Without any help. “I’d like to talk about the incident.” I finally said. I trembled as I said it, and his face sank along with his head, but then he sat up straight, looked me right in the eye and said. “Start when you’re ready John.”

“It was an early school morning. I woke up like I always did to the sound of my shoes being thrown at me.”

“Get up, get dressed and get out for God’s sake” Mother said sharply.

“I did as she so politely asked and went to school. But I had for some reason the knife that I used to cut my wrists was in my pocket. I must have worn the same trousers as the day before. It was ok I could hide it in school they wouldn’t think to pat down me of all people. I wasn’t very threatening. It happened again though. The voices. All around me. Flooding my ear drums. I dashed to the solitary relief of the bathroom again. But it didn’t end there. A boy came in. You know how this ends Alex, so you know he wasn’t a nice person.”

“He laughed at me. Just stood there and laughed at me. For at least a few minutes. It made me so infuriated. I would normally just channel this kind of anger inwards as it was almost always my fault. But this time. He just seemed to be the one who really pushed my buttons.”

“Wow no wonder your mother is insane. Or on drugs. Or both I couldn’t put up with you either.”

“That was it Alex, I just lost it, snapped, blacked out. The rational thoughts I might’ve had ceased to exist.”

“Yeah I do she’s been through you. That must be the worst hell imaginable.”

“I couldn’t take it Alex I broke. I swung at him instantly. But he knocked me straight back down in one swift punch and grab. He was far more athletic than me, bigger too.In frustation I got straight back up, he smiled but this time when he swung for me I plunged my blade in the back of his hand. He screamed in agony. I smiled in triumph. Then broke under guilt. I had caused this guy so much pain. He wasn’t ready for it like I was. He was writhing around on the floor in agony and I just froze I couldn’t believe I had done it.”

“I bet you’re loving this you freak.”

“And as he spoke that sentence the voices returned, Alex. I screamed at him in ultimate frustration and bloodlust. I stabbed him again Alex, in the belly, then I stabbed him again, and again and again. I completely lost it. Each stab was like instinct. I didn’t think I just-”

“Reacted.” Alex said.

“Yeah.” I said now crying at the memory. It was horrible to remember it. The guilt had pierced through me like my knife had pierced his skin. “It tore me apart limb from limb.”I told Alex “I didn’t even try and explain myself when the teachers came in. I just stopped. Froze again. Dropped the knife and watch it fall next to the boy’s lifeless body. It was over for me everything was. No more mother and no more school. I guess in a way it was liberating.

Especially since they put in this hospital. With you Alex.”

“I’m glad you finally admitted your guilt about this John. I think you are finally accepting your past and the fact that you can’t change it. Also the fact that you feel and felt guilty shows you are not a psychopath and most likely won’t kill again.”

“Definitely not Alex it was the most horrific experience of my life.”

“That’s good to hear John.” “Although why is it that you waited until your second year here to come and ask for my services?”

“I didn’t think I was ready, Alex I thought you would judge me.”

“That’s not my place John.”

“Still I didn’t think I deserved it.”

“What changed your mind?”

“Nothing, I still think that, it’s just I wanted to be sure I wouldn’t hurt anyone again and I heard good things about this so.”

“I see. That’s good of you John.”

“The hours up Alex.”

“Goodbye John.”

“Goodnight Alex.”

Day 6

I couldn’t sleep last night, the memory of me doing that to that boy. So barbaric. So horrific. I’d pushed it to the back of my mind for so long now. Suppressed it. I couldn’t handle it. I wasn’t a killer.Yet I plunged that knife into that poor boy’s gut over, and over, and over. I kept throwing up all night remembering it. I’d handled the guilt before but I guess was switched off. I couldn’t handle it so I just shut it all out. Locked it all up . But now this man, this doctor, Alex had forced open the floodgates and I was drowning in it all. “Good morning John” Alex said “You’re looking a bit pale.” He observed after scanning me up and down.

“It’s just-it’s just, last session reliving that memory it was horrific. All I feel is guilt, Alex I don’t know what to do.” I then broke, fell and broke like a tower of glass.. Then Alex did something, something very surprising. He hugged me.

“Alex you know what I am what I did.” I stammered in his arms “Why do you take pity on me, I’m a murderer!”

“Yes John that’s what you think.” Alex said in a rather puzzling way.

“What- what do you mean? I stammered through my tear filled eyes.

“You didn’t kill that boy John, you’re innocent.”

“No-no I killed that boy I remember all the blood and the violence.”

“Yes John blood was spilled, but as always with you, it was your own.”

“What? No I snapped and killed him!” I shouted unable to accept my innocence.

“John, listen to me you did not kill him if you give me the hour I can prove it to you.”

“You better have some damn good evidence.”

He did have some good evidence. The police report. I thought it was the thing that painted me as a murderer but in fact, it relieved me of my guilt. “On that normal school day.” He began “You went to school like you normally did but like you said a mob of kids started abusing you. Verbally. So you,like you said, you went to the bathroom to be alone. Then that boy you talked about.came and confronted you.” I nodded along so far but now things were about to get confusing. “You argued things got heated he punched you in the jaw it says. Then you got back up, knife in hand but then, according to the boy’s statement, seemed to blackout and say strange things he couldn’t quite make it out but it sounded like you said something like “This is for mother.” Then John.” He hesitated not because he was lying in anyway just because he was saddened by what he was about to say. “John, you tried to kill yourself. You did plunge the knife over and over but in your own hand. The boy,feeling distraught and overwhelmed, disarmed you. He then called teachers in and they called the police. Then you were brought here. To me. However you had already come up with the story you believed to be true I suppose as a way to fill in the blanks.” It was all making sense now. I remembered. It was all so vivid. The boy’s shocked face as I began to do it to myself. The way he grabbed my arm and yanked the knife from my hand. It was all so clear. It all made sense.

“So why have you waited up until now to tell me Alex?”

“I needed to know everything, I needed to know all the things that could’ve caused you to blackout but I wanted you to trust me and feel safe. I knew after you had told me your version of the story that you did since you were basically hiding from everyone else. That’s also the same reason why I never forced you into therapy, you would have grown to resent that.”

“Oh wow Alex I don’t know what to say I’m so relieved thank you so much you’re amazing.” He smiled at me as if to him it was what he dreamed of. Making a difference to people. One life at a time.

But what did this mean for me? Was I insane? Am I insane now? The idea kept circling round and round in my head. I mean yes I broke out from my guilt but in doing so what had I walked into? At a moment’s notice I could black out again, and next time I could actually kill myself. Or someone else. This thought plagued my mind. I really hope that Alex has something planned for tomorrow. I can’t go out into the world again with that in my head. I just couldn’t.

“The hour’s up John.” He said humbly. “You need to spend one more day here but then I believe you are free to go.” “Thank you so much but I have to say ,while I am relieved, what does this mean for my future. I mean I don’t think I can go back out into the world knowing all this it’s too much... ”

“Don’t worry John, I wouldn’t let you out so soon if I didn’t think you were ready. I know it’s a lot to process but I think tomorrow will help put everything into perspective. Goodnight John.” I had no choice but to trust him but I didn’t feel forced to, he had earned it “Goodnight Alex.”

Day 7

“I’ve been thinking about everything you have told me Alex.” I said as I stepped into the room for the final time. “If I snapped then and blacked out again I could really hurt myself or someone else. I can’t walk away from this place knowing that could happen. Not again.”

“I understand John but there’s something else I need to clear up, that’s why I asked for the extra day.” He pulled out what looked like a medical file from his drawer, I used to think having all these files on me was the chains I was tied in for my crimes but it turns out they were the key to setting me free. “According to a report done by many psychiatrists, including myself, you weren’t suffering from any kind of condition. You were just so angry that you did it. By covering it up you harboured that guilt in a different way. But by slowly exposing to yourself what really happened and telling me why it happened, you cleared the way for a new beginning.”

“This is all well and good Alex but what about mother? After everything I’ve told you what’s happened to her.”

“John we found out about your mother the day of the incident. She did not blame herself, she said she had to do it for your father. So, since there was no feeling of guilt, we had to put her in a psychiatric facility for treatment of her bipolar..”

“You know Alex. For the first time in my life. Now that I’m free of her, free of my guilt over that incident and having talked to you, I actually think that’s a good decision.She has needed help for a long time.”

“If you’re wondering where you’ll live now John we’ve arranged for you to meet several foster families. Lots of people heard about your story, word spreads fast in a school. In fact,that boy, so riddled with guilt over what happened in that bathroom, lead the campaign to find you a foster family.”

“Wow I don’t really know what to say it’s quite shocking that he suddenly just turned around like that.”

“John he didn’t just ‘turn around’ you made him see what he and his friends were doing. Not just to you but to everyone they had bullied. You changed his perspective John. Forever reshaped the way he sees life. Your method of doing so wasn’t the best but you did it. In fact I’ve got someone I want you to meet, I think you’re ready for this.”

“Hi John” It was the boy. Him again. I had no idea what to think. What to say. I felt infuriated but tranquil. Angry yet forgiving. “You don’t have to forgive me John I don’t expect you to. The instant I saw you do that to yourself I had a flashback of everyone I had hurt. So recklessly destroying hearts and minds over the years. WIthout a second thought to the consequences. But now I know the consequences. Now I’ve seen them for real. I know what happens when I play around with people like that. My eyes are open and I can’t be more sorry for what I see.” I could see the gateways to his soul now too. They broken, smashed, obliterated to tiny pieces. With everything he was doing and was going to do he was building them back up. One tiny piece at a time. However, despite all this, I wasn’t big enough to forgive him. I stared him down. He was crumbling with guilt. It showed all over his body. I decide rather than forgiving him right away, I’d give him something to work toward.

“Maybe in time I’ll forgive you, and maybe someday all the other people you’ve hurt will too. I want you to do something for though because like I said there are other people.” His eyes lit up and were eager to resolve his guilt “Yes yes of course name it.”

“Make sure this never happens to anyone else. Ever. At least not in our school. I know you can do something about it and after I’ve settled I’ll help you. Together we have to ensure the safety of everyone. Otherwise this all had no purpose.”

“Yes John. Yes I promise you that will happen.”

After that Alex lead him out. He also further reassured me that because of the closure I had gained and the freedom I had earned there would be no more blackouts.That very afternoon I was packing all my things waiting to go, when he came to me looked at me rather sternly, which was worrying, then said to me “John promise me one thing.”

“What;s that?”

“Live a good and happy life John, no self harm or any guilt over the past, just live the life you deserve.”

“Thanks to you Alex, I think maybe I can. Especially since that boy is going to,hopefully, help put a stop to the abuse of young people everywhere.”

“I don’t know if you could see it John but when he said he would… he really meant it.”I smiled at Alex for the last time. He smiled back. He reached out to shake my hand. I hugged him. It was the only thing I could do. “Goodbye Alex.”

“Goodbye John.”

2 years later

She dragged herself toward the seat opposite me. She looked docile, aware of her surroundings. Her face didn’t seem to elicit any emotion other tired blankness and sad expectancy. She slumped down into her seat and stared blankly at me. I tried to prepare for this before I came but that was all gone. From the moment I saw her. It felt horrible seeing her like this. She wasn’t a particularly nice person to me in the time I knew her but the way she was. That’s no way for someone to live. “Hello mother.” I managed to utter out.

“Hello John” She said blankly. “Have you found out anything about your father?” I guess this was what I expected, but I was still shocked it had been years since I had spoken to her and she doesn’t ask how I’ve been. Or even say that she was sorry for what she did. I was very frustrated. But, I was the bigger person, I knew that now. So I stared straight into her cold but hopeful eyes. Saw her wait to be told that he was ok and wanted to see her again. Then I sternly said in a cold voice. “He’s dead, you’re all alone now mother. Which is good, because you’ve plagued everyone since your first breath.” Her face dropped. Further than I thought possible. She began to sob and cry. I tried to sympathise with her but after remembering all the things she had done and that my father had done, this was justice well served. I thought this as I stood up from my chair, turned my back on her and left her there to cry.