Chapter 1
“These clones are perfect.”
“Yes. They will do well if it comes to war.”
Lira Thell-Ellis and Kwest Omarrin walked alongside the training clone army with pride and pleasure. Especially Kwest, whom the clones were created after.
“As you can see, our clones are trained to endure the toughest of battle,” Kwest Mangú, who liked to be called Kue, proudly explained.
“You did well cousin,” Kwest Omarrin said.
“Thanks.”
Suddenly something buzzed on Lira’s belt.
“Oh, it’s Cere,” Lira said pulling out her holopad.
An image of an young man in his early twenties appeared.
“Lira. Kwest. Hello. We need you back here on Zorrac. To discuss some things, you know. Business,” Cereien Gilm explained.
“We’re on our way Cere,” Lira replied, shutting off her holopad.
“Well looks like we have to go, Kue,” Lira said.
“Okay. The battalion of troops you’re taking is in hanger 34. Should I have them follow you out?” Kue asked.
“Yes, thanks,” Kwest answered.
“See ya, Kue. Keep up the good work,” Lira said.
“I’ll see you both later!” Kue said taking out his comlink.
~--~
The S-15 Skycruiser, the Dagger, flew from Shepard 2 with Eclipse-class Troop Carriers and Lonar Starships carrying a battalion of troops behind. Inside the Dagger Lira Thell-Ellis and Kwest Omarrin received the coordinates of the planet Zorrac from the navcomputer.
“Get ready for the jump to hyperspace,” Kwest said over the comm to the following starships.
“Roger that,” the other pilots said.
With that, all six starships flew into hyperspace.
~--~
The headquarters of Zatship Drive Yards was located on the planet of Zorrac, in the Omega Solar System. The entire terrain used to be an ocean but then a storm of meteorites fell on the planet and, over time, formed vast islands. The Dagger, along with the five other battle starships, came out of hyperspace with a clang.
“We’re approaching Zorrac,” Lira said.
As the ships approached Zorrac, they received a transmission.“This is Zorrac Security, please identify yourselves.”
“This is Zatship presidents Kwest Omarrin and Lira Thell-Ellis. We have just brought some newly built ships with us,” Kwest answered.
“Okay, welcome back Presidents Omarrin and Thell-Ellis,” the communications officer said after a pause.
~--~
The Zatship Drive Yards Headquarters were stationed on the East side of the planet, upon and island named Galaptillos. This enormous area was the design station, factory, and base and training station for the clones.
A variety of buildings were scattered along Galaptillos. They included from design, living quarters, factories, bases, stations, garrisons, and warehouses. The main building, which housed the meeting rooms, had Lira’s and Kwest’s living quarters.
Kwest and Lira sat at the two ends of a large table, with a holoprojector in the center, waiting for the arrival of Zatship officials and other important leaders. After waiting a few minutes, the door opened and Cereien Gilm, along with guards and other important members of Zatship Drive Yards strode in.
“Welcome back, old friends,” Cereien said as he walked towards them. Kwest and Lira rose and walked over to shake Cereien’s hand.
“I trust your business went well with Kue and the army,” Cere said.
“Indeed it did,” Lira said.
“We even brought back more clones and security,” Kwest added.
“So I’ve heard,” Cere said, sitting down.
Lira, Kwest, and the others sat down as well. Two security guards stood on either side of the door. Even though the Dark Empire didn’t know about a rebellion, “security would be nice,” Cere had said.
“So you said that we need to come back for business,” Kwest said.
“Well I only said ‘business’ because the Imperials could be listening in. What I actually called you back for is to talk about what some of our spies have heard,” Cere explained.
“Okay, shoot,” Lira commented casually.
“Well, actually that’s why I have brought with me my trusted companion, Elbea-Jorak. You asked me to concoct a spy organization, and she is at the head of it,” Cere explained further, pressing a button on the pad in front of him.
The door slid open and a tall Diocyedian stepped in. Diocyeds are tall, furry aliens, with long, sharp (and retractable) claws and fangs. They come from the planet Darcyed, close to Shepard 2.
“Greeting, Presidents,” Elbea-Jorak said. Kwest and Lira were startled to hear that she could speak Basic, because most Diocyeds never learned; only growled in their native tongue. Both concealed their surprise, however.
“Well hello, Elbea-Jorak,” Lira managed.
“Please sit,” Kwest put in.
“Thank you.”
“Elbea-Jorak and her spies have found information vital to us,” Cere said.
“Yes. My organization has discovered that in the next few days, the Dark Empire is planning to deploy their droid army to more planets outside the Core. That means Zorrac,” Elbea-Jorak explained.
“I see, so they will detect us,” Kwest said.
“Yes, but they still don’t know about the army and everything. That secret is still kept,” Lira added.
“We thought of that too,” Cere said, “but we have come to the conclusion that they will find out eventually.”
“So what are you saying?” Lira asked.
“We are saying that even though our organization is large we can’t fight them on every planet,” Elbea-Jorak said.
“We have allies, but they aren’t really anyone we trust,” Lira said.
“Yes, we need more allies, too,” Kwest said.
“We do need more, but the more we get, the easier it is for someone to betray us,” Cere stated.
Lira nodded and looked at Elbea-Jorak, “Did you find anything else?”
“Not much,” Elbea-jorak conceded, “We do know that the Emperors’ have very heavily guarded Galeon and Asmacore, but that is obvious. If yoou want to get more allies, you would have to go to the capital, where the politicians and leaders are,”
“That’s quite true,” Kwest said. “We should go.”
“It’s too dangerous and risky!” Cere said.
“Risk is a part of everyone’s life now. And danger,” Lira pointed out. “Kwest and I should go.”
“Well if you want to,” Cere said. “I’ll stay here and keep things looking normal.”
“Good. Thank you for the information, Elbea-Jorak,” Kwest said.
Elbea-Jorak bowed and left. “Anything else?” Lira asked.
“No,” Cere said. He looked thoughtful. “But I do have one thing to say.”
“Yes?”
“This isn’t just the rise of a rebellion. It’s the rise of the freedom alliance.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
What do you mean...'i know zat means'?
Timea
I dont like slow stories but this isn't one of them. I cant wait to read the rest. great story.
p.s. i know zat what means
No problem Timea. I'm glad I could help =)
ok, sorry for all the errors. i posted this first thing when i came to this site, i was so excited! I have made corrections...but i'm really busy right now..so i'll probably have to delay resubmitting it unil the end of summer!
Thanks for pointing those out, heather!
~Timea
This has some potential but I have a few suggestions -
A image of a young man in his early twenties appeared. [Should be 'An' rather than 'A']
“See you guys both later!” Kue said taking out his comlink. [The dialogue is a little awkward. Perhaps 'I'll see you both later.']
“Get ready for the jump to hyperspace,” Kwest said over the comm to the following starships. [Chnage 'comm' to intercom. It sounds more professional and is helpful to those who don't read science fiction or know little about ships.]
The headquarters of Zatship Drive Yards was [You might want to use were here. It sounds better.] located on the planet of Zorrac, in the Omega Solar System.
The entire terrain was an ocean, until meteorites fell on planet and formed giant islands. [I'd re-phrase this. Maybe 'The entire terrain used to be an ocean but then a storm of meteorites collided with the planet and, over time, these formed vast islands.'
[s]As the ships got closer to Zorrac, security sent a transmission to them.[/s] As the ships approached Zorrac, they received a transmission - “This is Zorrac Security, please identify yourselves.”
“Okay, welcome back Presidents Omarrin and Thell-Ellis,” the comm [I'd write it as 'the communication's officer.'] officer said after a pause.
On the east side of the planet Zorrac, on the huge island of Galaptillos, was the Zatship Drive Yards Headquarters. [Re-word this. Perhaps 'The Zatship Drive Yards Headquarters were stationed on the East side of the planet, upon an island named Galaptillos.']
They ranged from design, living quarters, factories, bases, stations, garrisons, and warehouses. [They included would fit better than 'they ranged from.']
“Welcome back, old friends,” Cereien said as he walked towards them.
“Okay, shoot,” Lira casually said. [First, it should be Lira said casually and second, don't use said. You really overuse the word and there are so many better words so pick another.]
They came from the planet Darcyed, close to Shepard 2. [This would read better as 'they come from the planet Darcyed, close to Shepard two.']
If yoou [Typo here. I'm sure I don't have to point out what's wrong.] want to get more allies, you would have to go to the capital, where the politicians and leaders are,”
__________________________
There we go. Other than that, I found it interesting but describe the characters and your scenes, add a little characterization. Give them distinct personalities and check through for errors before submitting. A nice piece of writing though in general so keep up the good work.
Okay, I like this, but there is a general lack of description. Why use 'A image of a young man in his early twenties appeared.' when you can use, 'An image flickered into life, showing a young man, looking not a day over twenty with (insert hair colour and style here) hair and (insert eye colour here) eyes.'? Oh and the 'A' in that sentance should be an 'An'.
Good:
Dives straight into the story.
Nice dialouge
THERE'S CLONES!!
Bad
Not enough description
With a few tweaks here and there this will be a very good read.
~ Shadowsun
Things I Liked:
It's got a lot of potential to be an intreguing story and I love sci-fi so your concepts are cool.
Comments:
The names, however, are a little cheesy. I think you might be forcing the story a little maybe go back and try to define your own path.
As the above said, you need to DESCRIBE DESCRIBE DESCRIBE and polish it up. You're really just ilsting some facts about places and characters, why not run with it? HOW do the meteors crash down into the earth below? HOW does the woman's red hair shine in the glow of the overhung lights? WHAT do their shoes SOUND like as they clack across the base floor? I may be a little obsessed with description, but it really brings you into the story.
Another point, your characters say the same things a lot to me, or rather, they don't have their own voices. Try to avoid over-using the word said and keep your characters in character. When they interact, sometimes they'll be more tired when they move and talk or sometime's excited. Some might be calm and some might panic. Have your characters be themselves.
It's a really nice story, you just need to get more into it, dive deep and tell us about your world! A little polishing and it'd be superb.
Everyone else has commented on the important stuff, so I'll just say as how this was good. Your dialogue's very good.
You got a good thing going here, ninja! I'm excited!
I know you'll hate me for saying this, cause everyone covered it, but it could use some more detail. it's got action, but you just told me the action. describe what's happening, make the reader feel it, show the reader who the main characters are, who we will be following around through out the story. All I got are dialogue, got some plans and i know where they're headed. give us some umpf, some meat, if that makes sense, lol.
Keep writing!
Jabber
I'm not that into spacecraft and Star Wars, but it did catch my attention. Wonderful writing!
I am not going to line by line this as it has already been done but i will give pointers on what i thought was good and what could be improved. (but don't take it too seriously as it only my opinion.
Likes:
1) The story jumps straight in action which grips the reader and adds suspense and tension. Very good for an opening chapter to a story.
2) The characters are well developed and you instantly link to them. The way some are brought in is good. They also have a depth, where you know they have a history and you want to find out more.
3) The ending line is fantastic! It is just...fantastic!
I only really have one improvement. Some more describtion would be good. In some places there is to much dialogue and you could describe events instead of telling the reader about them.
This is really good. I can't wait to read the next bit and am looking forward to doing a critique. Keep it up!
~Saphira~
Hello Ninja-san!
Nice story so far, I think this is going to have a good plot.
But, I agree with Ink, show us, don't tell us. Probably more description would do or something. And if you can make the dialogues a bit interesting if wouldn't have bored people...
Other than that and some quick fixing, it's a good chapter.
Hi! I said I'd comment and here I am, commenting....
Well, this was a good story. Well written, if a bit matter-of-fact, and the story is intriguing. It does, however, parallel Star Wars in several ways (I should know; I was watching the movies over the weekend), but it's only the first chapter, and thus not really enough time to actually develop a really strong voice of its own.
And please, it's sci-fi. A lot of that stuff, to me anyways, all sounds virtually the same. It's space, there's conflict, and clones are an integral part of any space plot. Sometimes, when you've been reading/watching a lot of sci-fi, it all starts to blend into one.
One quick thing I would like to say, though: there is very little interplay between the characters, which is something that is essential to a good novel/story. It gives people reading your story an opportunity to connect with the characters, to create a friendship with them, if you will. The way you have it is a bit curt and impersonal.
In reading I've found that a really good story does not consist of talking heads and telephones. Good stories have talking and wit and subtle humor woven in amidst the storyline. It's what makes you love the characters-- not Lira's adeptness at handling a holopad.
I am not, however, saying that you are not capable of humor or wit or anything. Nor am I saying that you need to take anything I have said seriously. It's just my opinion, and someone else may have the exact opposite opinion. One man's cake is another man's spinach, and all that.
Anyway, I did really like this and it shows promise. PM me when the next part is up! Please please?
Peace, love, chocolate.
Muffin
This was an interesting story and I really liked it a lot. I definitely can't wait to hear Chapter 2! Great job Timea!
Love ya,
Demi
OK, this shows promise, if you polish it up a bit more.
A lot of the things are really cliche, like the name "Kwest". It's not a very subtle pun. Also, "Dark Empire", "Zorrac", the alliance and "Lira". I believe that there's a constellation called "Lira" or "Lyra" but I'm not sure...look that up, won't you?
Another problem is that you say "said" entirely too much. Use another verb- if you keep using the same thing, it gets boring and grates on the nerves.
Firstly, you must always (with an exception for dates, phone numbers and addresses) WRITE the numbers, not use the Arabic numbers. K?
This sentence is sort of an oxymoron, because once you hit twenty, it's kind of redundant to be called a boy
Do I really have to say anything about that sentence?
Just re-write it.
will = with
get rid of the second comma/apostrophe (I'll NEVER get those two straight...)
Show us, don't TELL us!!
"though" should be "however".
Those're all the major problems. Did you proofread it? You could have found some errors quite easily.
Your big flaw in here is that you're telling and not showing. This is the #1 law of writing.
If you want to express that she has firey red hair and an attitude to match, then write a scene where both of those features shine. This applies to anything and everything within the scribbled page or Word document!
Savvy? Good!
~Sumi