6-22-05 (First day of summer)
The night sank with a fast, speedy train cycle
and his mind didn’t know itself anymore,
it was good, it was Eden, beneath a moon turned the color of decay
(black and sculpted, like a model’s beautiful black–
)hey, it’s time for pie.
I’ve found you in a corner of the bathroom,
I’ve found you in a place called colours
I see orange tigres burning bright
above our mother-fucking black sky.
The heartbeat of a strummer’s bass-line delight
the wrinkling anticipation that caused us all to fade with you
behind the silver-blue night-time starburst.
Losing myself in raps of multi-color
crayon-line lies.
A crying mother who saw death ring the night
of her baby’s blue nursery, screamed to the heavens “dude, saw her away.”
She screamed a cacophony of us, alone.
***
I’m losing the flag of union
beneath a few long-lost dreams of loneliness,
I miss you, man of the deepest cave.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I swear I critiqued this...oh well I guess I'm just losing my mind again.
Here it is then...
I really like this phrase "beneath a moon turned the color of decay"
and the one about orange tigres reminded me of william blake's tiger poem.
great poem, really nice words.
cheers CL
Pretty amazing for some dude who still had the effects of drugs in him.
Heh, yeah the MF part that was about it that didn't do for me. Like Chevy and Jen said and stuff....
Yeah nice job man.
I liked this peom a lot, this part was my favorite.
The heartbeat of a strummer’s bass-line delight
the wrinkling anticipation that caused us all to fade with you
behind the silver-blue night-time starburst.
Losing myself in raps of multi-color
crayon-line lies.
I like the part about the bass especially. The MF didn't seam to fit in with the rest though..
Yes, unique creativity comes from unique things(nudge,nudge). I think the "language" (motherfucker) somewhat brought the poem down, and it would be better without. Anyways other than that, the abstratness all worked out well
Thanks for posting, well done, and keep on writing in the free world.
I agree. Wow. So many abstract thoughts that really make a lot of sense when you think about them. Really original too, great job!
Oh, wow Brett! That was amazing. It was very easy-going and straight to the point. The M-F part didn't really fit for me but oh well. The poem was awesome. I think it's the best I've read by you.
"A crying mother who saw death ring the night
of her baby’s blue nursery, screamed to the heavens “dude, saw her away.”
She screamed a cacophony of us, alone. "
Was my favorite.