Published October 10, 2005
FUCK YOU APATHY
Fuck you, television watcher
Isolation, the-world-doesn't-touch-you-liar.
Artificial adult,
hugging America, Western Civilization,
hell, soon a pension,
knowing that danger
is
going to college,
your first kiss
your first fight, your
empty fucks.
Never mind the present
never mind the past,
nevermind the future 'cuz
you don't believe in it.
(If someone ever classifies my poetry, I will
strangle him with my bare hands,
her for political correctness.
And I dare not say what I'll do
if it is printed
with any dipshit's pictures.
with colors,
With the living arts.
Poetry is dead, so
it should be ugly
or it shouldn't matter.
)
I want to look at you without
being afraid that I'll offend you.
Fuck you, captive audience.
my
my blood is poured
out of love
into nothingness...
the irony
of never saying anything that you mean
is that you forget
that it's possible to say anything, well
I'm high, so to translate to you the point,
there's nothing that anyone could say
anyway (
lone
liness)
the only thing I've learned to do
is to scream
eloquently.
II
One day, I bled in the shower
as I shaved my chest, as I
kissed insanity, genius, trigger-happy pain.
Long story short,
I say unto you
the hiding majority,
that poetry died
when you all became fuck-ups.
Points:
Time spent:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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140,597 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Right. You know, you'd really be good if you didn't attack everyone who tries to critique your poetry. It's a good thing that I don't go back to poems after I comment on them....
Now - this poem has meaning, but the coherent sections don't tie into each other. You go from one subject to another randomly, curse the whole world off and then end the poem in an empty way that, personally, left me feeling ripped off. You would think something better would come from all that anger - try to stop using your angry and ranting feelings to make poetry.
Then again, maybe that's your thing.
Me, I thought it was awesome. Have you ever been on that plane? I just feel like it's right, like there's no deeper meaning, it just is. I know it sounds as stupid as f**k, but that's just the way it is. And I'm not even drunk neither. (I did that on purpose just in case anyone wants to pull anything)
I've got my eyes on you.
Psy, with all due respect, I owe you a critique. Well, here it is:
I’m afraid I don’t find this a very successful poem. It is vague, abstract, and repetitive, with lots of awkward syntax/grammar and an unfair proportion of “prophetic” moments as opposed to actual, interesting, unique writing.
I almost didn’t make it through my first pass—I don’t find that the rudimentary level of language supports the poem’s conclusions…and sometimes I just thought the poem didn’t make much sense. Lines such as: “hell, soon a pension,/knowing that danger/is/going to college" simply don't carry off the bravado your trying for. Ultimately, I found it bare, and, where it was engaging, it was largely old ideas rehashed into technocratic language.
Thanks, though, for the chance to offer my opinion and argue with Cicero. Because we all know how productive that debate was. :wink:
Hah. I'll critique your poem. Although I can't pretend to be an expert like these other ones.
Hmmm...I didn't particularly like this stanza until the last line. Or perhaps the part after "knowing." Rather simplistic. You're just telling it as it is.
Who's it that said you wrote this in the true american way? (or something along those lines.) Brad, right? Well I agree with him. I believe in the future, personally. But way to condemn your readers, Psy. That seems to be your entire purpose
Okay I like the first two lines, that's awesome. But the last line is great too...I bet you're actually one of those intellegient nerds that's never had a girlfriend and wears those little sweatervests, huh? You just come across as really smart so I'm taking a guess-although nerds don't usually seem to be so...angry
Okay, the first five lines suck. They don't make sense and they don't sound good. They don't flow at all. But the last three are sheer genius, I'm astounded.
Okay, here's your quaint, bubble gum moment: Oh my God that's so great! Amazing! Genius! You're brilliant! I wish I had come up with that...blah blah blah...yeah
I love how you're breaking the rules here. You're supposed to at least WANT your audience to like you, in most cases, not insult them in ways that would get you bitch slapped at the mall. *applauds formally* most excellent
Wonderful. It completely encapsulates the world today. Brilliant.
the first four lines are sheer poetic genius, and then you ruin it with the last three lines. But I love the style of parenthesis.
I love the loneliness part. It's really cute. But the last part, about screaming eloquently, is gorgeous.
I didn't get this part. And I don't know why you want to shave...weirdo. But the last line is great.
Amazing. I love your condemning tone. I love the emo style. So maybe you don't wear a sweatervest. Maybe you wear baggy black pants and wear eyeliner. Because you don't want people to classify your stuff...but your stuff classifies itself.
(I love the irony between the topic of the poem v. the topic of discussion)
Right, and, because your question was not, in any sense, sarcastic to the point of immature, you have so much room to stand on. Anyway, I already-do intend on critiquing one of the two, though not both (until you comment on another of mine) -- you know, that kind of strange bartering system found in all human interaction.
You are truly laughable. You can be overly critical to the point of hurtful, and downright mean when people only want honest and constructive critiques. When asked to demonstrate your ability, you insult me further. Immature and cowardly.
Get over yourself.
Brad - since you clearly know everything about poetry, I'd appreciate it if you would comment on one or both of my poems (lyric poetry - "Indiscretion" and/or "To Rend This Tattered Heart"). I would like feedback from someone reading with a critical eye. Fluffy "OMG it's wonderful" posts are quaint but utterly useless. Please feel free to point out any and all errors in a constructive fashion. I'd like to see how my critiques measure up to those of one so wise as yourself.
Of course, if more than one person does the same thing without coming into contact with the Other, then the incident loses its originality. Either way, I wasn't saying you copied it; only that it was a cheap imitation.
Sorry - double post
Psy - first of all, you're right, I did point out just about everything I didn't like. But I also pointed out the things I did like, as well as stylistic and grammatical errors. Also - I hope you will take my suggestion about your proliferation of poems and their lessening affect.
I also think that it's hilarious that Cicero hated it and then went to the trouble to point out every single part of it that he didn't like.
it would be an imitation if I had read any of his stuff, which I hadn't. So, Incandescence, you pompous slob, you were, yet again, WRONG. More than one person can do the same thing without one having copied the other, and you shouldn't accuse everyone of copying everyone else because it's aggravating.
That's an opinion, and one that, regardless of whether it has any validity, has little to no relevance to the point I made. As a second counter, he wasn't imitating e.e. cumming's style.
Imitation is the highest form of flattery and it is how we learn to develop our own styles. It would be a lie for any of us to claim that we haven't dabbled in other author's styles and ideas. Plagerism, on the other hand, should be a felony.
lone
liness
is just a cheap imitation of e.e. cumming's
l
(o
ne
lin
es
s)
Best part:
but, I will say, as a reader I felt intimidated. And I doubt readers like to feel intimidated. I know I don't..I also felt the caps and swearing was unnecessary and didn't do the poem justice, depsite the fact you had some nice little bits in there I liked.
lone
liness
(Even the "lone" is isolated form "liness")
I think Cicero has thoroughly critiqued this
Okay, look - I don't know that you want this critiqued. It seems a lot of people on this forum just like parading their "skill," so don't rip me a new one, okay? I critique genuinely because I see room for improvement. It's up to you to take it or leave it.
Your first line doesn't make sense; are you missing a word?
Empty f***s? First-hand experience? College can seem like one mass orgy of drunken fools, can't it?
Then what is there to believe in? I pledge allegiance to American Idol...
First of all, why is this in parentheses? This seems like unnecessary half- a** stylistic attempts. Also, this intimidates the reader (well, the entire poem does), but if people can't criticize your poetry, there is no free thought - isn't that a trait of the society you are so critical off, a lack of democratic disagreement and expressive thought?
Get rid of the parentheses, your enjambement is annoying. However, this line stood out to me - why is poetry dead? Why should it be ugly?
Welcome to life. Get used to walking on eggshells. You'll build calluses eventually.
If the majority of your readers haven't already stopped reading because of sloppy style and mediocre content, the rest are moving on right about now...
But I kept going because of this line, because this seems so true sometimes. Despite all that you do, the world throws it back in your face.
Very nice. Your enjambement, again, leaves much to be desired.
Yes, we know you're lonely, blah blah blah, cut this part - it's crap and largely unnecessary.
For all your ranting about poetry is dead and that is should be ugly - well, you've created a thing of beauty here, sir. This is brilliant.
This poem never really had a pattern, rhythm, method to it anyway; why split it up now?
Sick, but effective. I like the last line best.
*Bangs head on desk* And then you go and ruin it...
----------
My main comment to you here is this: your poetry can be a powerful force at certain moments, but by plastering your poetry all over the forums, it is making something that has the potential to have incredible shock value normal and mediocre. Focus more on one amazing poem than ten craptastic ones. Put your better parts together: EDIT. I know this is harsh. With each poem you post that has a similar theme, its value is lessened. Each one I see, I'm want to say: would you stop being an emo-kid, move on, and realize that you have a pretty damn nice life compared to about 98% of the rest of the world? Focus your delivery and tighten these poems up. It's great that you're rebellious, but damnit, make it proud.
The great T.S. Eliot's poem "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" has a moment of rebellion:
It is only two lines, yet rebellious and spiteful.
Anyway, I hope this helped... somehow. And I enjoy just one a**hole, thanks.
Out of all the vulgar language there is, I think the F word is the most lousy way of expressing yourself, and like Qi's poem (well, this isn't as near as bad) I have to say, it was entirely distracting. It was like using the word "cool" or the common internet term "lol" over and over again. Quite, frustrating, right?
Yes it is official Psylynx has gone crazy.
F*** you.
So permeated with American thought...