Young Writers Society

I critiqued this in class, but I thought I'd give it a quick whirl here - maybe it would get you to so much as glance at the Chair sideways. ^_^

I do agree with the general consensus that the french reads better than does the english. In english it comes across as a bit simplistic, no sentence inversion in the beginning (as I think Amelia pointed out). You might want to work on 'mixing it up' a bit. Also, the founding concept wasn't very original - spring as a metaphor for rebirth and an opportunity for the righting of wrongs is a very common theme. Then again, I like this almost because of its smiplicity. It reads very easily, Monsieur Swoonworthy. ^_~

(Though admittedly the french poem I wrote for the assignment totally rules all).

*smile* It definately made me think of spring/summer, and it made me happy, even though it is simplistic (I didn't like how the first word of every line was "the" for a while). I have not much else to say.

I have little to no understanding of the French language, but it looks gorgeous when written out.

French isn't my first language and I'm still learning it, but I'm pretty sure I'm right in the following:

--In line one with "vife" I think you wanted "vif" but to describe the sun's bright light, "brillant" would work better as it is for "emitting lots of light" while "vif" is more for bright vivid color.
--In the second line in French, "Le air" should be "L'air" and commencement should be commence. The "ment" makes it "beginning" but in the English you just have "begins."
--In the third line in French, "arbors" should be "arbres" and "vert" should be "verts."
--In the fourth line you have "sont rouvert" but in French that's past tense. To be "are reopening" it should simply be "rouvrent" without the helping verb. "Glace" doesn't need to be plural.
--In line 5, "retournait" is a past tense. It should be "retournent."
--In line 6 it should be "les images" and you need another verb for unreal because the way it is phrased it nearly means "unreal images" so you should add devenir after images.
--Line 7 you don't need de before nouveau
--Line 8 the "à" before chance should be "une". The line should say "Et une chance à répare les fautes."
--Line 9 "A" should be "Une" and "à satisfaire" should be "satisfaire à" and "veux" should be "envies."
--Line 10 "Une vie nouvelle" instead of "A nouveau vie" and "vivons" should be "vivre" because of the second verb rule.
--Line 11 should be "Au printemps d'une année nouvelle."
And for the title: Le Printemps de Commencements Nouveaux

But hey, maybe I'm wrong with some things. Je ne suis pas parfaite. You should ask a fluent speaker of French. Remember, never translating tools like google. They mess things up big time.

Aside from French grammar, the poem has an interesting message.

The French version reads beautifully. Simplicity is best pulled off with a language that is far from simple .. at least to those with English as a first language. Next time, more challenging images are suggested.

I agree with Liz, you could work on your choice of words. However, saying that, i do like the simplicity of it all..XD. I guess it depends what you're going for. The use of words is good if you're trying to portray the simplicity of summer, but it doesnt really grab the reader at all.

I liked the French version better x

I love the atmosphere you've created here. I'd suggest making it more effective by being more original with your word choice. Saying the sun is bright and the trees are green for example isn't too powerful. I like the simplicity but at times I find it makes your poem lack interest and originality. The last two lines are also pretty cliche.
However, if French isn't your native language, I'm very impressed. The poem is a lot better than the one's I've every tried writing in French.

This is a really good description of the beginning of summer. The French translation is great.

Simple but interesting. You obviously have a talent for languages which I envy greatly. I'm not sure what it is that I like about this poem but I think it has a lot to do with how fresh and open it is. The whole structure and language of the poem reflect the theme of spring and it has a positive, uplifting message. Keep up the good work!