Young Writers Society

Yo, yo, yo.

So Hannahbobannah has given you some solid comments and we are not in line on this even a little bit, because as I'm pretty sure you know, I really didn't like this. Reading her review has helped me out a little bit, because I'm not American and your political climate is not similar to my own so perhaps I'm missing some important cultural connections that would really help me get in tune with what you've got here.

Why didn't I like this? It might be because I found your main character intensely dislikable - which I know is partially the purpose of the narrative, a character who begins with so little to truly recommend them coming through the other side perhaps as a better person, but I still don't like her. I find her not only petulant but also... childish. Like an emo or goth 16 year old who thinks they're so much better than everyone else, even as they despise themselves at the same time. It's an accurate portrayal of the kind of person I despise being around. Again, this may have been your intent, but it felt unpleasant to me and very difficult to get through on the whole.

I find the actions she takes in the story confusing at best, they don't seem to feel real or realistic, though I admit the genre of the story doesn't ask for realism. Maybe I just don't know the right kind of people. I liked the growing concern, the fear of the man while in the car - that felt right. Though I found it strange that she decided to stay and go in with him when it felt more in character for her to ditch. I suppose you can't have a story if it doesn't go in the right direction though.

The meat of the story: What even. The rant that goes on didn't connect with me at all. Wrong political climate, wrong kind of reader, I found it tedious and repetitive. I was over the narrative by now, the shift in tone was appropriate to the story and felt right in a strange way but I was ready for it to be over.

What I find immensely interesting is that I didn't read the end like Hannahbobannah did. She sees the introduction of the panther again as a reassertion of family that you don't have to doubt. For me, though, it shows that THIS now is something that she can doubt. "Why would she say anything so wonderful without reason?" why would she compliment me for no reason, why would anyone say something without having an ulterior motive. Her brain has been rearranged, nothing is as it was and her safe spaces are not even vaguely safe anymore, they've changed in the same way she has, light has been shone on her dark corners and burned away the good with the bad. She is reinvented. That is probably the thing I liked most of this story. I found it sad because it was a nice image but ultimately the best crush you could have done, the most realistic ruination - turning the safe words of family into dry ash in the mouth. That works really well.

I don't enjoy reading works that are sinister, I should also say, it made me a bit uncomfortable physically. If that's what you're going for, double thumbs up. I found most of your characters two dimensional, except for the girl who I disliked a lot. And I found, like Rosey, that it felt a little mechanical, checking off the boxes of things that are Literary and good.

But many plusses for writing a thing and sharing it cause I'm into reading it, even if I don't like it.
<3

Well, well, wasn't I surprised to see a work authored by you two in here. Haven't read anything of yours in awhile.

That being said, I found this extremely difficult to relate to.

Your character seems to be the epitome of hot and cold, which is fine if handled correctly. But going from detached intellectuality to fear to vulnerability to... her mother? Felt very rapid. Oftentimes it was within the same paragraph, each sentence a wholly separated facet of her personality from the next.

It felt overly rehearsed, like there was a checklist of points to cover. Maybe the lines are where one of you had more feedback than the other? It felt like there was such a clear break in writers, from the extremely sharp contrast in tone.

It also felt like I'd read this work before: start with the overview to establish this is an Edgy work that examines life; have banter to show nope, character isn't really a loner; move on to a self-awareness-building character arc that shows see, people change.

Examining the meaning of life is all well and good, but it didn't take very long for the characters in here to feel like cardboard. Framing devices for the plot. It's not a school of writing I subscribe to, and I suppose it works in some cases, but it doesn't feel like it fits here.

The reactions felt out of place, the banter felt like it was purely for character development, and in general this was akin to a collection of accessories in need of an outfit. Good pieces here and there, but overall, nothing came together as a story.

Let me know if you have questions or comments.

~Rosey

Edit- Upon further reflection, I'm wondering if the uncanny parallels to The Fault in our Stars are intentional.

Babes, I was literally completely with you, questioning nothing, until you said toes too many times in a row:

"Blair," I replied, licking my lips, probably looking like a lizard. "And I think you broke one of my toes."

"Are we headed to your place, or is this a shortcut to heaven?"

"Anyway, I'd like to converse before we arrive." He let up on the throttle, glanced at me. "You haven't been very forthcoming. I'd like to know about your life. Where do you work?"

I wanted my mind to curdle entirely, then drip down my throat into my chest, ... until my upper-half mortified, and my lower-half began to stink, and I wholly degenerated into a heap of feces whose fate was communion with flies.

"Lee, Blair. She's heeded her executive."

"And never twenty-three," intoned my recruiter behind me. "Haggis, the woman before you has heeded her executive. She wants to return."

Ms. Lachrymose's

and the people were given what they had so desired: a state of normalcy. An end to self-inflicted pain."

I wondered if he still had hands to lay, wasn't sure I still had arms to feel. I am draped in the night, I told myself, trying to stave off sudden tears, I am promenading decked in dawn and dusk.

"Separating the powers."

Wow. Normally, I don't read things like this and I'm more into fantasy, but this was simply amazing. The piece was very deep and franky I don't think I even managed to grasp all the concepts. I saw no spelling errors or stumbles in wording at all, and I didn't see any issues with this work at all. Your writing was very smooth and the character felt human. Great job!
I really wish there was something I could tell you to improve the article, but I don't think there is. Keep up the good work!