Published December 29, 2008
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140,560 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Do you mean I attempted suicide once?
I don't like this sentence one bit. It seemed like a stammer, which I can understand but usually use dashes to indicate stammering. Also, you started a sentence with 'but'.
I'd say take out that period and replace it with a coma, lower case the a in as.
Just yesterday, I was explaining to my friend who is suicidal how I'm always the brick wall everyone leans on. I'm always there for everybody. Who do I have to lean on? No one. So when I fall, everyone falls. I then push myself aside and help them up while I'm still on the ground. I know this exactly. I'm so grateful someone knows the feeling it almost puts a tear to my eye. Amazing.
I couldn't help but laugh.
Wow. That was um. Well, I'm speechless.
I can't even describe what I'm looking at right now - hah. How do I feel? I just can't place it. Good work!
Whah! Is this even...Pork? W-O-W
*moment of silence*
EPIC WIN.
I really enjoyed this. It was dark and sick and funny, the type of story I needed at this time of night. This was really original like everyone else said and you ended it perfectly. Some people mess up the moment and get all purple prose-y but you kept this nice and easy.
There were a lot of good quotes in here:
I couldn't stop laughing.
And by the way, I was hooked from beginning to end. Which is also good. Usually when people write pieces like this they throw all the literary rules out the door and I'm glad you didn't.
This gets a star for being Epic and fan-freakin-tastic.
I'll be lookin' to read more of your stuff,
~Angel
Sweet, I got some of the best reviewers.
You guys are awesome.
I'm not sure what you mean by this. Second time...?
That was meant to be sort of ironic... he could attempt something as drastic as suicide but he was too bashful to ask a simple question.
I agree with everyone that the ending is weak; 'twas rather hastily written. Jigs, I've changed it to your version, which I feel is better. It's still not great, so I might mess around with it more later.
Thanks! I'll definitely let you know.
*
Thanks again, everyone; your comments are duly noted and appreciated. ^_^ And have a happy new year, by the way.
Prokaryote
Uh, Pork?
Wow. That was... odd. But I really liked it! I'm not sure I really have anything else to say actually.
It was the best. Enough said.
-kittykat
Peace out!
Hi Prok!
So, this was filled with a lot of black humor awesomeness, just the sort of thing I would expect from you.
I didn't find much wrong with this piece. I did think that the end of the middle, when she starts accusing him of being a prank caller, was a little loose. I got confused there cause I didn't quite understand why she went back to taking him seriously after that. Perhaps if you rework that a little it will become clearer.
But, overall this was a very entertaining read. Sorry about my craptastic review, I really just stopped by just to tell you how much I enjoyed this. Good job!
Best line ever?
This was full of all kinds of win.
I love narrators with an original voice. I found this guy amusing. Despite lacking any sympathy whatsoever for a dying man, I still liked him. Which is good thing.
The opening was a good hook -- someone who was once suicidal, is now working on a suicide helpline? The irony was excellent.
It's quite a twisted story. The ending was probably not as successful as it could have been. The story seems to peter out after a strong beginning and middle, and the conclusion to the phone call is not as funny or ironic as earlier sections.
As a piece of black comedy, I think this hits the mark in all the right ways. There's a potential for improving the ending, but I think you have a good, short piece right here. Let me know if you write anything similar.
Hey there, Prok. Way to use 'then'
So not going there, ha.
exchange the first 'when' to 'that'.
I'm in agreement with Clo, the ending seemed very random. It begins with a light, almost sardonic outlook on suicide and an optimistic tone but changes very quickly into the protagonist facilitating suicides and apparently enjoying it, having done it before, etc. Very strange. It definitely had the shock factor you were no doubt going for but in review, it doesn't really work.
Rather, I thought it was very amusing and well done when I thought the concept you were going for was of someone being helped to death. That is to say the suicide hotline person was so intent on helping the 'mental' side of things they ignored the repeated pleas for help -- that was very funny -- and the idea of the cynical, disbelieving operator facilitating the death was great, very well presented with a pointed message that remains darkly funny.
It was all good -- until the last lines:
I think if you cut all that, it would be a much, much stronger and more effective piece.
That's the money maker right there, leave it at that. Alternatively the last line could also be 'The sound of a dog barking drifted from the phone.'
Good stuff.
Cheers
What in the --? Pork! My immediate reaction to this can hardly be put into words, let me step away from the laptop for a moment and think. Okay. Okay-- my god. Wow. Okay. Pork--? Okay. Wow.
This was pretty awesome.
There's issues with it still, but overall it must be said that this is certainly a very original and unique piece of writing. And you had my attention the entire way through, moreso than most stories on here have been able to do lately. I mean, the shock factor is pretty high with this. There are a lot of peculiar scenarios I was imagining for a suicide, but never once has a dog eating someone's brains ever come up. In fact, I've never thought about that regarding any subject whatsoever.
I mean, I was probably making faces the entire way through reading this, and isn't that what you really wanted?
Anyway. When it comes to your main guy, there's a few things at the beginning and then concerning his attitude the way through. Really, this paragraph:
Was he unsuccessful the second time? I figure the new color bit is coincidental and doesn't have to do with death so much as an enlightening near-death experience. And I don't quite see the point of the "Imagine that", as we really don't know enough of his personal character to see him as shy or otherwise.
At the beginning the new light and color bit seems optimistic, and there's a tone that he wants to help people - though that's clearly not what he does through the rest of his story with dog-brains. There's really not a clear sign as to why he turns malicious and sarcastic when the beginning has an ironic but light tone to it. Also, the ending is very weak. I expected there to be maybe more of a conclusion to the conversation, other than him saying he felt like crap indeed, not just dog food. It seems he really wanted the guy to die, when such intent is never really hinted to earlier in the story.
Still all very funny, and twisted. Even insulting in some parts, most likely. Way to go.
~ Clo