Suns story
NOTE; This is a story I wrote for 8th grade, so some parts are a bit rushed, I personally consider this a rough draft. This will be improved eventually!
Prologue
The sun blazed overhead , almost directly above the dam and the suckling.”Hes…so small” Zepher, the lead stallion, nickered above the newborn palomino.
"Aren't you going to see your son, Sapling?"
Aspen, mother of the colt questioned.Sapling, a stallion with too much pride, and a jet black coat stepped forward.Nudging the slimy lump of palomino,
“well…..hes no shadow ”
he huffed.Aspen shook her manes at the flies that threatened to drive her crazy,
“We shall call him Sun"
She declared, gently lapping at her son's soaked coat with her tongue.Little sun replied to his mothers licks with a tiny squeak, he lifted his head, his eyes immediately drawn to the black coat that blazed against the sun.Little did he know, that horse would cause him so much grief.
Chapter 1
It had been six months since Sun had emerged from his mother's womb.He had almost memorized everyone in his herd, Mom, Dad, Zepher, Sage and…, well that's all he could remember.Sun was a fairly energetic foal, he loved to run while his mother struggled to graze and keep track of the hyperactive colt.One blazing hot day, all of the herd huddled in the pound near their home, Sun had crammed himself in the middle.
“Its hot”
he whined, his father shot a glare at him that made him shut up instantly.Zepher cleared his throat, “We'll all die from heat stroke if we stay here”he admitted, Sapling spoke up,
“I know a beach around here, it'll cool us down, and the Sun would love to play in the waves, wouldn't you?”
he suggested.The change of his father's tone when he addressed him made Sun's stomach churn with dread.He was aware his father hated him, Sapling made it very clear, but the way he looked and talked to him just screamed danger.
The herd let out mummers of agreement, Sage, the lead mare, nodded and announced,
“We shall go, but no longer than 3 hours”
{1}
Zepher nudged Sapling, “lead us there”
Chapter 2
Sun's eyes widened as the sandy beach came into view, a surge of excitement burst through him.
”Mama, can I go run?”he asked, practically vibrating, Aspen hesitated,
“well…alright, but stay close”
Sun let out a nicker of triumph before scampering off towards the shore, he let himself crash into the refreshing waves.He threw himself down and rolled, letting the waves lap at his coat, it felt nice.Sun scampered to his feet when he realised his father was glaring down at him, his gaze was not cold, nor tender, more of a blank, emotionless expression.
”Y-yes father?”
he stuttered out, Sapling just smiles emotionlessly, just before tearing up and gently shoving his son.Sun looked up at his father, feeling disoriented.
He knew it meant to play, but his father never showed him any playfulness, let alone sympathy.They never talked much, but when they did, it was mostly Sapling insulting him, or telling Sun he never wanted a foal, nonetheless an energetic one.
Getting over his bewilderment, Sun went to playfully nip at his father's neck, maybe he's done playing cruel? Sapling began to chase him in a way that Sun would call a playful game of tag.He stopped abruptly, preparing to tackle his father.
Sapling, however, had other plans, he spun around and struck his son's shoulder with his back hoof.Sun collapsed into the sand, and for a few seconds he felt blinded, blinded by the throbbing pain in his shoulder, and blinded by his father's manipulation.
Sun thought he could finally relax, yet here he was, fooled by the fake mask Sapling had put on.Sapling let himself crash onto his son's flailing body, the waves crashing over Sun's head, threatening to choke him.
He gasped and sputtered, trying not to swallow the salty water.
”Sun! Zepher get Sapling”
Aspen cried, running towards the bundle of horse.
”Sapling, get up now!”
Zepher exclaimed.Sun barely felt his father's weight shift off him, he was still conscious, yet it didn't feel that way.He felt confused, betrayed, dumb, and scared.
Why had he trusted him?! Slowly he got up, Aspen was by his side in seconds, gently grooming his neck to comfort him.
{2}
Blood trickled down Sun's shoulder to his fetlock, his shoulder throbbed from the blow, it would definitely bruise.He watched as his herd angrily consulted his father, demanding why he would try and kill his own son.The waves gently lapped at his hoofs, the same waves that he had choked on moments ago, held down by his father's weight, the only words going through his mind being, “If he hates me so much, I'll never speak again”
Chapter 3
Aspen lapped at Sun's neck, he couldn't stop shaking no matter how many words of reassurance were given to him.
His father had crossed the line, badly.Sage had stayed with the herd while Zepher escorted Sapling to the nearest human settlement , the two head horses had agreed to send Sapling where he could never come back, they had thought about sending him up to the mountains with Keeper Evertt, to become one with the mountains, but of course, becoming keeper of the mountains meant having some control over the herd, while also meaning control of Sun.So they thought humans were a great option.
“Hey,....how about you lay down Sun? Your shaking badly”
Aspen muttered in his ear, Sun slowly lowered himself to the wet sand, the tide had gone back out, as if running from the tense environment.Sun fell asleep almost instantly, amazingly with no nightmares about the alarming few seconds that felt like an entirety.
Chapter 4
Days turned into weeks that turned into months, and Sun still never talked, he never slept, and never coped.
One cold foggy morning, Sun groggily stood up, and made his way to the bundle of crowding horses , there was a faint smell of blood, and….milk?
He shoved his way through, there on the ground was Sage with a slippery wet filly next to her.
Sage was pregnant? Who was the father, Zepher? The filly was a dark dappled color, a bit like Zepher.Sage looked up at Sun,
“her name is Lune”
Sun stepped forward, lowering his head to boop the filly's nose.Lune squirmed slightly, opening her eyes to peer up at him, little did he know, they were soon to be best friends.
Chapter 5
The sun started to set across the moon, Sun had settled close to Aspen, his head resting lightly on her barrel.Her breathing was ragged, and for a second he was about to ask if she was okay, but he knew he couldn't talk, he had tried many times, but little sound ever came out.Aspen, as if grasping her sons thoughts muttered reassuringly
“Im alright Sun, dont worry” {3}
Sun looked into his mothers eyes, she was lying, she was in pain, he wasn't stupid, nor blind or deaf, yet he shook it off.
A few hours passed, he had decided to play with Lune, who had the whole walking and talking thing down pat.
“Okay Sunny, wait can I call you that Sunny?”
Lune asked, yet kept chattering before Sun could nod.
“We are the herd leaders in this game, our job is to chase away any predators from the herd.You know, like Sage and Zepher? Anyway lets pretend theres hungry coyotes over there-”
She explained while nodding towards the bushes
“Come on Sunny, before they get the foals!”
Sun trotted along, seriously questioning why she knew so much already.
Lune let out a “battle whinney”, trying to kick the imaginary threat, then faceplanting straight into the bush.
Sun ran over to her, nudging her slightly, Lune just giggled
“Ouch, they got me, Sun get them”
Sun rolled his eyes, and struck the bush, which only fueled to Lune's laughter
“Yay they're gone, good job Sunny!”
Sun couldn't help but let out a laugh , his voice hoarse from not speaking for so long.Though his laugh stopped abruptly as Sage walked up to them, looking sympathetic.
“Sun, I'm so sorry, it's ..”
She trailed off, Sun tried to speak, making a sound that sounded half like “Mom”, tearing up.Sage nodded, her eyes softening
“She was ill, she already left for her last wander”
He suddenly couldn't breathe, his mom was gone, the only one who he truly trusted.Sun ran impulsive, she wasn't going without him.
“Sun!”
He heard both Sage and Zepher call after him in unison then everything went black. {4}
Chapter 6
Sun peeled his eyes open, he was laying on the ground, he must have passed out.Sage and Zepher were standing over him, they were talking, but the ringing in his ears muffled their voices.
He stood up, wobbling slightly,
“Hey, take it easy”
Sage muttered to him softly, Sun nodded towards a worn down patch of grass, the same patch where he and his mom used to sleep together.
“Yes, go rest”
Zepher reassured him.Sun hurried himself over to their sleeping patch, he lowered himself down,
“Ansestors, please let me be with my mom, ill do anything”
He demanded in his thoughts before drifting off almost immediately.
When Sun's eyes opened once again, his mother and some other spirits were looking down at him,he quickly stood up to confront him.Aspens expression softened as she saw her son,
“Oh Sun, my little colt, im so sorry it had to end this way, that you never got to say goodbye to me”
She apologized, nudging his ears that were now pinned to his head.He couldn't help but cry, burying his face into his mothers neck, inhaling her sweet scent.
“My life has ended, my colt, but life is still waiting for you…..But if you truly cannot cope, then you may join me as a spirit”
She whispered , Sun nodded without thinking, he knew there was no way he could cope, he found no comfort in any horse but her.Aspen hesitated, then nodded,
“Alright, if that's your choice, i will walk you to your end.Say goodbye, don't make my mistake.I know Sages filly would be devastated ”
And with that, Sun woke up back with the herd his herd.He forced himself up and ran to the crowd of horses
“Sunny, are you-”
{5}
Lune started, but Sun shushed her with a flick of his tail, he got the herds attention with a nicker, taking a deep breath he tried his best to explain.
“.....I……..go……Mom………good……bye”
He stuttered out, his voice was raspy and hard to make out but they seemed to understand.Everyone was surprised, partly because of what he said, partly because he hadn't spoken since the incident at the beach.
He gave Lune one last playful nudge before he looked up at the two leaders.
“........safe…”
Sage and Zepher exchanged looks before they gave him sorrow,
“Alright Sun, we’ll miss you, our herd will never forget you”
Zephyr muttered to him, giving his forehead a lick, Sage did the same
“Goodbye Sun, thank you for being Lune's friend.May your last wander bring the peace you deserve”
Sage nudged her daughter who let a miserable
“Goodbye Sunny, ill miss you”
Sun licked her neck before running off towards her mothers spirit who waited patiently, silently beckoning him with her gentle presence.
Epilodge
Sun looked down on his herd, his own appearance giving off a warm glow, beside his mother watched fondly
“Don’t you wish you were alive, Sun?”
She asked, her voice a gentle mummer.Sun shook his head no, he was happy where his mom was, even if it meant death, although he felt guilty for leaving Lune so soon.But he did know more foals would come to the herd as he was told so by his mother.
But as for him, Sun would help deliver special messages to the herd, and one day promised to be the one to lead Lune in her last wander, and for once he was alright with it.
The end {6}
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141,652 Literary Works • 675,339 Reviews
Hey Moss! I really enjoyed reading “Wild Horses: Sun’s story.” I can tell this was written as a rough draft, but there are some genuinely emotional ideas here, especially Sun’s relationship with his family.
This immediately made me feel sorry for Sun. Sapling rejecting him from the moment he is born gives the story a strong conflict right away.
The beach scene was probably the part that affected me the most. Sun thinks his father is finally playing with him, only for that trust to be broken. I liked how this experience changes Sun afterward. His silence continues through the story and becomes an important part of his character.
I also really liked Lune’s introduction. Her cheerful personality gives Sun someone who can bring a little happiness back into his life. Their imaginary game with the “coyotes” was cute, especially when Lune faceplants into the bush. It gave me a small break from the heavier parts.
The ending was bittersweet for me. Sun finally communicates with the herd again, says goodbye, and eventually finds peace with his mother. I liked that his story doesn't just end with sadness; he gets a purpose afterward through helping the herd and eventually guiding Lune.
My main suggestion would be to slow down some of the major moments. Sun goes through several huge changes quickly, so giving certain scenes more room could make them hit harder. I’d also recommend checking punctuation, capitalization, and dialogue formatting, since cleaning those up would make the story easier to read.
Overall, Sun’s story stayed with me. For a rough draft, I think the emotional core is already there, and with some expansion and editing, this could become even stronger.
Lovely work!<3
~hira♡
I really enjoyed reading this story! Even though the author mentioned that it was originally written in 8th grade and is considered a rough draft, I think there are a lot of interesting ideas and emotional moments throughout it. The story of Sun was genuinely heartbreaking, especially because we get to see how his relationship with his father affects him over time.
The scene at the beach stood out to me the most. At first, Sun thinks that his father might finally be trying to play with him, which makes what happens afterward even more painful. I liked how the story showed Sun’s confusion and betrayal rather than simply making him immediately understand what was happening. The moment where he decides that if his father hates him so much, he will never speak again also explains a lot about why Sun becomes so quiet afterward.
I also really liked the friendship between Sun and Lune. After everything Sun had gone through, Lune brought a completely different kind of energy into the story. Her excitement while playing their little “herd leaders” game was really cute, especially when she accidentally faceplanted into the bush. Sun laughing with her felt like an important moment because it showed that even after everything that happened, there was still a part of him capable of feeling happiness.
Aspen’s death was another emotional part for me. Sun had already lost his sense of safety because of his father, so losing the one person he completely trusted made his grief feel even heavier. I liked the idea of him seeing his mother again as a spirit. The conversation between them was especially meaningful because Aspen gives him the choice to stay with her, but also reminds him that life is still waiting for him. His decision to follow her makes the ending bittersweet rather than simply happy or sad.
I also liked the idea of the “last wander.” It made the world feel like it had its own traditions and beliefs, and I thought Sun eventually becoming someone who helps deliver messages to the herd was a nice continuation of his story. The fact that he promises to guide Lune during her own last wander also brings their friendship back into the ending.
There are definitely places where the story feels rushed, especially because so many major events happen in a relatively short amount of time, but I think the emotional ideas are already very strong. I could feel how much Sun cared about his mother and Lune, and how deeply the events with his father affected him. The fantasy elements mixed with the natural setting also made the story interesting to read.
Overall, I thought this was a really emotional story with some genuinely heartbreaking moments, but also some sweet ones. Sun’s journey from a playful foal to someone who has experienced loss and eventually finds a different kind of purpose was interesting to follow. I especially liked the contrast between the sadness of his life and the peacefulness of his ending. Great work, and I hope you do get to expand this story someday because I would definitely be curious to see a more developed version!