Published April 25, 2011
This poem is also something I feel strongly about. I would like some comments on my punctuation. I'm really bad at it and I've tried to do better in this poem. Please point out any mistakes that I've done. Thank you!
Grave danger lies ahead for us earthlings,
who knows what will happen in the future,
'cause no one is taking heed of the earth's plea,
there's no one to take care and nurture.
Global warming is murdering our planet,
pollution is devouring the earth;
the sad thing is, that we as humans,
gave these monsters birth.
Sea levels are rising, glaciers are melting,
our existence is in great doubt.
Plants are vanishing, in large numbers,
there are floods famines and droughts.
It is us who created the problem,
so it is us who have to mend.
Let's save her before it's too late,
before the world comes to an end.
Small steps we take can go a long way,
so let's just do our little bit.
We have to put in some hard work and care,
we have to act with intelligence and wit.
Please, carpool whenever possible,
if not, take a bus instead of your car.
You can even walk or cycle sometimes,
when you don't have to go too far.
Switch off lights and fans when you leave.
Please do not waste paper.
Maintain your AC temperature at 24 degrees,
and pollution were surely taper.
Start a club and spread awareness,
plan your moves and think straight.
Organise projects, campaigns and rallies,
Anything you do for mother earth is just great.
Everyday is earth day,
whether it is cold or rain or hot,
join in to save the planet,
it's the only one we've got.
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Hi there! I loved what you were doing with this and appreciate your help to raise awarness. First I do NOT comment on commas, I tend to stay away from grammer if at all possible. Here I can because the others have already filled that space. Now I agree with what the say. Wait! Before you stop reading this because you fear I will say the same thing as the others, here me out.
The topic of saving the earth is very emotional to many, and poetry is just a collection of strong emotions wrapped in a bundle of words that are half of the time is incomprehensible to everyone. Thart said poetry is still embeded into the hearts of many. Your poem was on the right track. At the begining. When you started with, "Please, carpool whenever possible," was when you lost your readers focous and flow. Have you ever heard "show don't tell?" Here you told us what to do instead of showing us what you did. Lets be honest. We can't tell people what to do. It is human nature to rebel to any order. Instead show your reader what you did and how you made a difference. This more than anything will encourage them to do something themselves.
Last I want to go into your emotion. You had good descriptions here. Again, though, you should have gone deeper. Give us heartwrenching pain. Reach into our souls and tear tears from the very center of us. Consume us in the wave of your feelings to where we can't fight the pull of you.
Sorry for my little speech there but hoped this helped.
_Writer_
Hi Priyansha.. I'll begin off saying that he idea and theme were what I liked..
I would agree to what other reviewers have said: it indeed was a bit boring.. You can change the sentence structures and twist it a bit to make it a bit more interesting read, as that would convey what you have mean to but in a better way. A for the punctuations, Yes you're right, you do need to improve.. You have put too many commas at places they weren't even required.. The commas you have put at the ending of each line disturbed the flow.. it would be good to remove them just for the sake of your flow..
Otherwise it was a nice piece.. I can totally understand what you mean by 'Fell Strongly'.. It was good except the errors..
Harshita:)
Well, I really liked this poem, the message comes across very clearly, however I agree with Lava and perdido, it is a bit 'preachy' and 'lecture-y' I think what they - and I - mean by this is that you read it getting the feeling that you have to do what you say, and a lot of people don't like being told what to do, I think you should work on making them seem more like suggestions than orders, and maybe add a bit of humour in there (not too much ^_^) to get people to listen - assuming that's what you want.
On the critique-y side of things, I couldn't find much fault, apart from what's already been said, there's onlly this line;
this line, rain should either be 'raining' or 'rainy'.
Favourite stanza <3
Keep up the writing!
~tinkembell
Hey Priya!
So, I enjoyed reading this poem, and it has a nice message. But poetically, I didn't think the stanzas 6 and 7 were good. I mean, I get the idea, but it could've been executed better. The flow was off there and somehow the rhyme seemed a little forced. Thing is, they sound a little preachy, and I get into defense mode when something is preachy. I would suggest a little variation in sentences, structure and words and you'll have a good poem.
Good luck!
(Sorry, if this review sucked. I can't do poetry.)
~Lava
if you'd like comments only about punctuation, I'd say you don't need about 75% of the commas you used. You especially don't need them at the end of lines, usually a line break is enough to put a pause into the phrase so you won't need to use a comma. As for content, I agree with what you're asserting but you're not really taking a fresh look at it. It comes off as a bit preachy and lecture-y which I didn't agree. I liked the line 'every day is earth day.'
best,