Published April 21, 2011
This poem is very close to my heart, maybe because it's about something I feel very strongly about. The country I'm referring to is India, my home. Due to it's vast diversity of religions (Hinduism, Islam, Sikhism, Christianity, Buddhism, Jainism, Zoroastrianism, Judaism), languages (at least over 150 I think) and castes (or sects within the different religions), India has always been a land which strives to accommodate a large variety of different people. The diversity of opinions has often been a source of conflict between the citizens of India and I can't say that these conflicts have been fully resolved yet. This poem is my plea towards all the citizens of India (all the citizens of this earth, for that matter) to allow this diversity of opinions, to tolerate each other at least, if we can't love each other, to respect each other and each others choices. There are a couple of historical references within the poem, I'll explain them alongside the stanzas.
Religion, state, caste, language and gender
There are so many ways to be divided.
These differences have sadly lead to inequality,
Towards what sort of a future are we guided?
200 years of slavery couldn't teach us
that united we stand and divided we fall,
200 years of abject poverty and exploitation,
but we're still engaged in a ludicrous brawl.
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hey!
I'm from India too and I can really identify with your writing as a Indian citizen as well as spectator to the various issues you mentioned in the poem. You've given the poem a good start and really taken it to a good end. You should take care of your grammatical mistakes and see to it that you don't repeat them, other than that I think (purely as a reader) that you've used very harsh language in some lines and I really understand that it goes with the concept you've taken, but I still think you used subtle words in some.
These are some of the lines that I especially liked....
Otherwise your poem is a real success and far reaching in every aspect.
It's really a beautiful poem and I wish to read more of your such wonderful works....
I hope my points have come across and helped you.
Hi Priyansha!! God i so LOVE this poem!! You've kind of stolen the words out of my diary!! It was literally engrossing and lovable.. Besides the motivation and inspiration was also very nice...
This was my favorite stanza (the history of our country is engrossing.)!!
The rhyme scheme was good too. Like the other reviewers i would say that the grammatical errors need to be seen and taken care of..
Otherwise it was a nicely written piece. I love the concept and the feel. Brilliantly written!!:)
Actually, I don't think the flow was all that great--you're too wordy. Try using fewer words. (But the first person is right--if English is your second language, YOU ARE SO GOOD. Seriously, can you teach the foreign students at my school?
)
For instance, "He heaved out an exasperated breath" could be shortened to "He huffed." Both are correct, but in poems, rhythm is very important, so summing things up is usually a good idea (unless you're going to stretch it out over more lines.)
I do love this poem. I like the sentiment, and it's well conveyed--the research is also impressive (though many might not care, so good job putting it in spoilers.)
My favorite stanza is here:
because your use imagery. You're showing instead of telling, which is good, because the rest of the poem tells. More of this!
i agree with Sage about that stanza , it stopped the flow.
i loved the message and i think every country in the world TODAY!! can relate to. i love your sincerity as well.
keep up can't wait for more
I really liked this. It was kind of sad but serious and hopeful too. You address your point clearly and the whole poem is to the point. Your capitalization is really bad. When you have a comma at the end of a sentance, dont start the next one with a capital. A good way to figure out capitalization is to write out the stanza in lines, like a miniature paragraph, and see how you would punctuate it in sentance form. The vocabulary you chose like exploitation, ludicrous, and monotonous add a mature and beautiful feel to the poem.
Even though I usually turn away from rhyming because it tends to sound childish, yours definatly did not have that feel. Although peace and these is a very questionable rhyme, all the rest are very good and well thought out, I presume. I loved stanzas two and five. They were clear and perfectly written. The first sentance of the sixth stanza is horribly too long, it hurt my head to read it and it really took my mind off the flow of the poem. You do NOT want to disturb the flow of this poem in particular because the reader gets into a...funk...when reading it and that one line breaks that funk. Its really hard to get back into that funk after it is broken, so please, for the good of the poem, shorten the line.
Very well written poem. Great job and please PM me if you fix it up.
Hi Priyansha! Let me first say, this poem is beautiful. It is strong, serious, and so sincere. I can tell that, if you could, you would read this to everyone in the world, so that everyone would hear your message. I also respect you and your poem because you have conveyed a message in a better way than I could ever have. I give you a round of applause!
The first line is a little too long. You may want to replace "look magnificent" with something like 'thrive'.Is English your first language? Because I am not seeing any errors in your gramar, which is very good!
Okay, here are some tips.
Also, the rhyme of "peace" and "these" is a bit of a stretch. It's not horrible, but you may want to consider revision.
The only other thing I have to say is, make sure you are capitolizing the lines in the same way. Some are, some aren't, just run through and check that they are the same.
Wonderful poem, keep writing!
Sage