Published June 21, 2011
First there was the crash. Screams of tyres and pedestrians, and the shattering of glass, puncturing the shell of the ruptured car. The crack as bones splintered into warped, distorted forms. Smoke clouded visions and assaulted nostrils, as many arrogant drivers blasted their horns, making an enormous clamour that reverberated through the body of my vehicle. Sympathetic and compassionate faces crowded round the window whereas many others frantically picked up their phones. I watched the scene play out in front of me, and I felt myself slipping away, whilst only my sub consciousness roared determinedly, before finally falling away, too. And then...
And then I woke up to find myself in the hospital, with the sickly medicine smell, and the white walls and clean beds. Flowers, toys and cards lay strewn across bedside tables and windowsills. Pain flared in my chest, as angry and tortured as a blazing inferno. It hissed and spat, making movement uncomfortable and sometimes virtually impossible.
Many family members came to visit me- when I was conscious- embracing me tightly and telling me how lucky I was. Worst of all was my Mom. Surging in like a tsunami, sobbing and moaning and fussing over my every need. Some times she would cry, other times she’d laugh. She was neurotic . It was a side I had never seen to her before.
Gradually recovering, I was able to walk around with the help of a nurse, and I was able to brush my teeth with my left arm, although my dominant arm- my right arm- was still in plaster cast. I felt stronger and fitter, and I knew I was on the road to recovery.
But then I had a relapse.
I went spiralling into a coma, a never ending fall, agonizingly hearing every word of the people around me. My Mom would sit by me every night, and speak to me; often she would break down and become agitated, begging me to wake up. Then the Nurses and Doctors would escort her out, and I was left alone in the darkness.
It happened that day, after two weeks in an unbearable and atrocious coma. It happened the day when a crowd had gathered in the cramped hospital room, to all pay their respects. I listened to the scuffling, moaning and soft sobs as the day wore on, and I burned with an uncontrollable desire to break free, to feel again and to live. I fought and fought to wake myself up, to believe it was all an illusion. Yearning to feel the warmth of a hug, to feel my arms around my Mum and Dad, to actually see them again. I listened intently as boots clumped along the polished floor, and a soft wumph, as the seat beside my bed was occupied.
“Hey, Sam.” A voice said, sniffling back tears “Just thought I’d drop in,” The voice paused. “I know you’ll come back, you always were a fighter.” The voice harnessed raw emotion and sadness. I suddenly became aware of the beeping sound of my monitor.
Beep............Beep............Beep............
The voice continued. “I remember the time you dropped that egg on your head, ‘cos you thought it was a pizza,” The voice gave a emotional laugh. “Then, when you used to do that funny little waddle when your football team scored a goal,” the voice was choked on tears, and was genuinely unhappy.
Beep...............Beep...............Beep...............
I smiled inside, immersed in the memories of my childhood, of a little laughing girl in-between her smiling mother and father.
Beep.....................Beep.....................Beep.....................
“Oh my...flat line!” The voice shrieked, making the bed move as they leant on it to hit the button repeatedly. Nurses and Doctors trampled into the room, trying to rush towards me. My talkative companion had gone silent, except for the cascading moans that ran from his lips like a relentless waterfall. Everything happened in slow-motion then. My mum screamed persistently, her tormented howls pulsing through my body. I felt my strength ebb away. Nurses tried to shock my heart back into motion, but to no avail. I raged inside, agonised and grieving like a lonely soul trapped on earth. Where would I go? Where would all of my memories go? My room? My family? I thought wildly, my strength speeding away like sap down a freshly cut tree. I was falling. Falling... Finally, I gave in. My sub-conscious receded and diminished and I was lost to the darkness. The darkness of death.
In memory of Samantha Holiya,
Who died on Fri, 13th 2010.
She died of internal bleeding caused by a road accident. She was 17 years old. God bless her soul. R.I.P
~*~*~*~
When Sam died, I died with her too. Part of me felt torn, like a knife had been punched into my stomach, twisted. I never felt the same again. It was like a stain had been smeared over my world, stifling the sobs and screams that I desperately wanted to share. My tears surged down my red cheeks, leaving scars I would never forget. Scars that would never heal nor go away, scars that pained me for life... and part of me died. And the rest of me lived on, just without her.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
WOW! That was truly heart wrenching. All i can say is keep on writing stuff like that and Stephan King will need to step out of the way!
It may be short but it is better than most of the long stories I've ever read. The sadness, the aches, the pain, the cries; it all touched me deep down inside. Your level of English is outstanding! Marvelous job, I'd say.
That was an amazing, emotional peice of work.
I kept on thinking it was going to have a happy ending, which made it even more sad. You really wrnched my heart! In a good way.
I loved the point of veiw you did.
I really don't know what else to say.
Keep writing!
No words can describe that piece of writing <3
Hello there! Ally here for your requested review!
I would like to start by saying that I agree with everyone else that told you how amazing this piece was. It was purely, and completley awesome! I loved it and was just filled with emotion and desperation as I read it.
You write the most fantastic descriptions, I mean that, you took your time to describe everything and it really helped to make the story. It also showed off your wonderful writing style, having huge descriptions certainly isn't my favorite thing in the world, but you did a grest job with yours!
It also helped to make it realistic and allowed readers to connect with either your MC, or anyone who's suffered a loss.
I would like to know though, was the voice at her bedside the same person who took over the story at the end?
I think that you should expand some more on that. That way the readers can become more connected with your characters, and it will help to clarify who the voice at her bedside was.
Does death always have to be darkness? Merely wondering, I mean Sam's moving on and dying. So wouldn't her family and friends be the ones hurdled into the darkness of grief, not ..Sam?
Just an idea I thought I'd throw out there for you!
I would also like to compliment the way you began your story, it was able to successfully pull me and several others into your story and spark a couriosity and hunger for the rest of the story!
Overall this was spectacular and I enjoyed reading and reviewing it!
You have a gift so please continue to use it and WOW the world with your words!
See you around YWS,
Ally.
I'VE JUST RE-READ SOME REVIEWS AND I WANT TO MAKE SOME THINGS CLEAR. WHEN I FIRST WROTE THIS, IT HAD A TITLE PAGE, INCLUDING WHO'S POV IT WAS AT WHAT POINT AND SO ON, AND ANOTHER PART I EDITED WAS A SECTION WHICH TOLD THE READER WHAT SHE HAD AND WHY SHE HAD A RELAPSE- I EDITED IT OUT.
THANKYOU AGAIN!
OoORedrumOoO,
It isn't actually a real story- it was purley imagination.
I do know what it's like to lose a fanily member though, so I guess that's why.
Thankyou so much.
That was probaly one of the saddest stories I've ever read. I love how you used a lot of similies to describe what was happening. I'm assuming that the girl was your friend, so I'm sorry for your loss. Great story though, it's deffinitely one to be proud of.
Hello, and thank you for entering my contest, "The Little Things."
Alright. I'm a little confused here. Sam was obviously the one narrating for most of the story, but we never find out who the voice is at her bed, and we don't really know who's narrating at the end. A boyfriend? A best friend?
If this is based on a true story, the ending should probably be somewhere else, rather than written in at the end as part of the story; it's too confusing this way. If it's entirely a work of fiction, try to make it more clear who is narrating at the end. Maybe change the main story so that instead of Sam narrating, it's the end person narrating, perhaps imagining what it was like for Sam to be in the hospital, etc.
Also, I have trouble believing the "relapse." If Sam went from semi-consciousness to full consciousness, if she was able to walk around with help, to brush her teeth, and even felt stronger, it's highly unlikely she would've had a "relapse," unless there was something wrong with her brain at that point, in which case you should probably tell us something about that, because as it stands it just feels a bit weird. If she had cancer, of course, a relapse would be believable no matter how healthy she seemed, but as for recovering from a car crash, it just doesn't gel right. If this is a real story you may be grinding your teeth at me, saying, "But this is how it really happened!" But one of the most valuable things I learned in creative writing boot camp last semester was that reality doesn't mean believability. A story may be completely true, but that doesn't mean it will be any good, or that the readers will understand or believe it. So please try not to get too mad about this, if this is a true story.
You are a really good writer. I know you can take this story up a level - you definitely have a gift for words. Your imagery is great, especially in the first paragraph, so I know you can do this.
Good job, and thanks again for entering.
~Blue
Yes, I did try to like it more than once, seriously. I would have given it like ten. So ten gold stars for you! And I know what you mean about being a perfectionist; I am too. Hey, could you take a look at my story Hidden Illusions? It's in ROmantic Novels. Once again, this is so awesome!
TS
TigerShark:
It was so nice! Woah, I really didn't think it was that good, but that's just probably because I'm a perfectionist. My English teacher said I have to stop thinking my work isn't as good as it actually is... so I'm going to start being positive. (If you find me being negative again, I will advise you to eSlap me 
)
WOW! Thankyou sooo much for that comment!
And haha! you tried to like it more than once? That's well sweet
Dangit! You can't like it more than once! ):
WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! I think this just might be the best short story I have read here on YWS so far! And I have read many. This was amazing. I could literally feel the emotion running off the page. Very few errors at all, so good job on that. Wow! I hope you have other things posted. I am going to look right now!
That was awesome! I especially liked the last paragraph, very emotional. Keep up the good work
ThankYou again! Your comments mean so much, really they do
:')
That was amazing. I was tearing up by the end of it. Fantastic job channeling your emotions. That's a very powerful story.
Sorry about that. When I first wrote it, I had an introduction as to who that was. Sorry I forgot to add it.
Well, basically it's one of Sam's best friends.
Sorry, I just forgot to add the intro.
Oh, I forget to ask.
Whose pov is this?
Well, you now like when you sit in a padded chair, and the air kind of rushes out of it? That what I defined as a "Wumph" noise, because the air is rushing out of it.
Wow, that is a good story. So much emotions.
I'm just wondering, what is a wumph?
Thank You Roxy. Wow, I never expected so many people to like and comment in such a short while. Thank you all, I feel all teary. :') You're all amazing
Holy Cannoli that was amazing! It was a little short but very emotional and powerful, nonetheless. There could've been more detail, but you don't have to change a thing. Like I said, it was amazing.
keep on writing!
-Roxy
Thank You!
It isn't- or wasn't- in my opinion, the best short story I've ever written, but it might just be because I favour the genre I wrote my other short stories in. I'm really proud of it. Thank You so much for the comment. It means a lot to me.
This is truly amazing. I literally have tears in my eyes right now.
I can feel the emotion radiating off you're work.
I'm speechless...
-CookEmonster