Published July 28, 2011
I watched in horror as he screamed, his shout echoing through the air, shattering the quiet like glass. His body shuddered and blurred, his mouth opened in a silent cry, his mouth stretched, dislocating, bones cracking as they morphed into distorted figures. His teeth grew, filling the gaping chasm of his mouth, and his body took on a sheen as the skin fell away, revealing a red and orange membrane that pulsed and shimmered in the ribbon of white moonlight that trickled through the grasping branches of the trees. There was a horrible, spine-tingling noise, like water rushing down when you pull the plug. The monster was gurgling in the back of its throat as it dropped to its knees. A ripping noise exploded from its figure, and skin crawled around the body, wrapping it in a tight embrace. The monster stood.
Its eyes burned like red hot coals, peering from its sunken, collapsed sockets, the skin of its face a sickly, rotting orange and oozing with yellow pus and crimson blood. Its skin was flaked and torn, like old parchment. Its body was gangly and elongated, as if it had been stretched. Its arms were covered in scabs, its fingers long and reaching. I yelped in fear as the creature took two long steps towards me, its body swooping close to mine as it looked me in the eye. My heart leaped into my mouth and my pulse raced as the acrid, rotten breath reached my nostrils. The monster snorted, turned and sprinted with inhuman speed into the forest. I turned and ran blindly back home, tears obscuring my vision as nettles brushed my skin and hands of bark gripped my clothes.
I wasn’t only leaving the forest behind - I was leaving my one true friend to the monster that had taken over his life. My best friend, who I told my fears, ambitions, dreams, hopes, and been possesed by the one thing he hated and despised, but had, in turn, become one.
A monster.
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140,191 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hi I'm shadowlight!
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I really liked this piece! Unlike everyone else it seems I didn't see a transition form first to third. I just felt your main character was describing the monster to herself/himself. (maybe my dyslexia was talking again.
Your description was chilling, disturbing, and morbid.I had a very clear picture in my mind of what the monster looked like, good job!
I will say the ending felt rushed. you took such care with the transformation of the monster and then rushed the ending. It was hard for me as a reader to transition emotionally from fear to sadness with the story ending so quickly, I didn't have enough to latch onto.
Also in one part you mention sound exploding from the monster, to me that word sounded slightly odd placed there. Maybe a word like reverberated might work more with what your going for.
I loved it! the whole thing, and I want to know more about the main character and her friend who became his own worst fear.
keep up the good work
~shadow
There were two people in the forest, the "writer" and his best friend. I didn't want to really go: I saw this, I saw that... because that is all I'd end up saying.
His face fell, and I smiled.
Really, all I did was that ^^. Yes, I could put:
I saw his face fall, and I smiled.
But that is just boring, in my opinion, so how can my story be confusing, if I'm using the same principal as my first example? That got me confused. But thanks for you're comments.
Hi there! I really liked this! Awesome monster! I did get confused with the third person to first person transition. I understand that you wanted to describe the monster and I think you did a good job. Maybe next time add some first person dialogue into the first paragraph.
"His teeth grew, filling the gaping chasm of his mouth, and his body took on a sheen , and his body took on a sheen as the skin fell away, revealing a red and orange membrane that pulsed and shimmered in the ribbon of white moonlight that trickled through the grasping branches of the trees.
"I could see his teeth growing, filling the gaping chasm of his mouth, and his body took on a sheen as the skin fell away, revealing a red and orange membrane that pulsed and shimmered in the ribbon of white moonlight that trickled through the grasping branches of the trees."
This might make the transition go more smoothly. I really did like it. Great job and good luck with the competition!
Hey there! So yes, I will agree with the above two reviews, about the 3rd person and 1st person switch. It didn't bother me too much, but others might not follow as well.
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Good luck in this competition!
If you were going for scary, then you get it spot on. I've read a lot of creepy stories and such on this website, but this story is the first I've found to be downright frightening. And trust me, it takes a lot for me to get that sick feeling of dread and terror in my stomach whilst reading. I also really liked how on the tail end of it, you tacked on a new emotion: sadness. I would recommend maybe expanding a tiny bit on that, maybe adding something at the beginning to suggest that this isn't some stranger or evil villain undergoing this freakazoid transformation, but your best friend. That would add more depth to the fear the reader will feel, as well as a greater attachment to this monster he's become. (I hate to be nit-picky, but you did ask for it.
Great job!! I liked it very much.
I liked this but I have to say that I agree with Wranna. It was a bit confusing at the end when you switched persons on us. But other than that, your description is amazing and I could really see the monster! Great job! Oh almost forgot one other thing. I think that this short story could be a little bit longer, unless the contest has rules otherwise. So good luck in the contest!! I think this is really good! Keep writing! BRAVO!
I really liked it, however at first I thought you were writing in third person so when the end came along I was confused. If this is a create your own monster than I think that you should descibe the monster more. Does he smell mad? Is he acting confused? Is he larger than he started? Ask questions like that and try to answer them throught out the story. I hope that helped!