Published June 30, 2011
It ws nt a mnstr tht lay slpin on the wite shts. Nor a fceless hrror. Nor evn a white bear.
It ws a man.
His hair was gldn, glowin brite as a bonfir in the light of the cndle. + his featrs were fair, I suppse, bt he was a strangr + tht sumhow, ws the gr8est shck of all - tht I hd been lyin nxt 2 a cmplt strangr. I hd 2 hld the cndle stdy agnst the violnt shudr tht shook my bdy. Thn I noticd the strangr was wearin the wite niteshrt, the 1 i hd wovn. It fit im wll, nt 2 wide nor 2 nrrow acrs the shldrs; the slves fel 2 his rists, neithr 2 long nor 2 shrt. I thowt hw lcky i hd been to estmate the size, wth only the feelin of his wait on the mtress 2 go by, then relized hw absurd I was 2 b stndin there thkin about ow wel the niteshrt fit.
He lay on his sde. I stred down at his hnd, which crled gntly on the wite sht in fron o him. Tre ws a slvr ring on the smlst fngr. I cld c sprse gldn hairs on the bak of his hnd, + the crved fngrs smed vnrble 2 me. I sdly flt ashmed, starin dwn at a strngr in th pl of cndlite. I flt meself blsh, my skn ht + uncmfrtble. I rsed the cndl, thinkin 2 blw it out, at onc but hesitning brflyfr a lst lk at his fce.
+ then his eyes opned.
I let out a cry, my brth goin shrt. Thy were his eyes, the wite brs eyes. Ny bdy jerked with the shck of seein fmliar, evn wll-luved, eyes in a strngrs fce.
In tht momnt the cndle tpped, + ht wx spilled onto the strnger, on2 the sldr of the niteshrt.
He lt out a cry of his own, and the snd of it shll rmain seard in my hrt 4eva, so hrrble ws it 2 my ears. It hd nufin 2 do wiv the pain of ht wax burnin the skn but instd held an enrmous akin grief; it was a knning wail of loss, dth and btrayal.
***
It feels so wrong having so many spelling mistakes o.O
[*]Text abbreviated for a competition
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139,320 Literary Works • 672,529 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
I am horrified by how easily I can read this. Texting has ruined english foreverAlso though, this is a very interesting start, I'm left wondering exactly the same thing this person is wondering at the end of this paragraph, we're starting off with a very detailed description about the fitting of a nightshirt on a random stranger, and I just have one question: Why?Hmm, well this is interesting, there appears to be something about this stranger that is really drawing in the main character although it does look the main character can't quite seem to understand why any better than we as the readers can. And then the sudden sense of awkwardness really makes this quite realistic not to mention the surprise of the eyes then comes through to make things quite interesting quite quickly.
Okay...that's a bit of an ouch, someone staring at a stranger in the candlelight just ends up dropping hot wax on the poor guy and the guy predictably gets burnt and screams...but also I do have to wonder why that would leave quite that much guilt, I mean, its not a great things to do, but also its just a bit of candle. Well it makes for a very intriguing ending at any rate. Overall, an interesting start..if a bit odd.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey;
Well I found this... interesting. Once I managed to get past the abbreviations/spelling issues, it was interesting enough. Overall, the story idea is interesting but I feel like the plot isn't very developed. I don't understand a lot of it; why would the man cry out in death and betrayal? I know the candle fell on him, but why is he familiar, and why does he feel betrayed? Obviously no one likes candle wax on them... but, still, a little more description on why "betrayal" would be nice.
It's kind of hard to give feedback on this because I'm not sure what you're aiming for or why you're abbreviating words. If you could direct me/other reviewers to the contest page (which has more info, I'm guessing) that would be helpful, or you could simply describe the requirements.
I also feel like the ending isn't really an ending. It makes the readers think, yes, but it's too open. There's too many questions left. I understand having an air of mystery, but there's too much here. I'd suggest elaborating on the ending.
hey... yeah this is weird, but I'm gathering that the contest is to shrink a piece of writing so it is barely intelligible? Or so that people who are addicted to their phones can read it
xD
Which competition is it for, by the way? Is it on YWS?
So yeah basically, if the competition is to take out as many letters as possible, a definite win for you!
~*cottonrulz*~
Hi,
Sorry, but what the hell is this. I could barely understand this, let alone want to. You didn't capture my attention. You might have if everything was spelled out. I'm sorry if this is rude. Try again.
Farewell,
A.