My father was killed in Iraq

Great poem here, Princess...I'm really sorry that this happened to you. I'm glad you were able to talk about it, in such a way. I loved how this poem was expressed, and the way it shows the sadness of the girl.

There are a couple of punctuation errors here, so I'm going to fix them here :

Princess wrote:Tears roll down my face,
As I listen to the radio,
They are telling all who had died
In the change to this maybe? country at war.

My father was a nice caring man,
Who gained so much respect,
I wasn't sure at why this happened Ditch the "at"
Who would want to kill such a man?

Everything is lost to me,
Even mother cannot fill the void,
Mother tells me that she misses my smile,
When she herself is not smiling either.

Later that week,
Looking through my childhood things,
And I find a letter from my dad,
And as I read it, my heart stops.

Hi Emma.
Sweetie, i know you don't like me going away to war, and your mother doesn't like it either,
but this is what i need to do. I just feel in my gut that i need to help and protect our country's
freedom. I want you to know that i love you, and if anything happens to me while I'm over
there (i doubt that it will) i will be with you, even if you cant see me. Tell your Mom
that i love you both. I'll see you soon
Love Dad

Thanks for the reviews guys!!

Hey there: I would like to echo the sentiments of others who, like me, are sorry for you loss.

I agree with chocoholic in that this piece would work better as a short story. Much of this poem is, unfortunately, telling:

"Everything is lost to me
even mother cannot fill the void
Mother tells me that she misses my smile
when she herself is not smiling either."

The first two lines are passive - this is telling. The point of poetry is to show the reader the problem. This means writing from an active POV, like this:

"All my hopes, all my dreams,
all that my father stood for,
has vanished over the horizon,
the horizon that the dead inhabit."

Instead of blandly stating, "Everything is lost to me," use images (a key word when writing) to let us see, hear and feel what loss means to the speaker, and to you by implication. Really humanise the subject matter, much as the letter at the end conveyed the sense of grief in a personal, human context.

I hope my comments weren't too harsh - I understand that this is a personal subject but in order for us readers to really empathise with your situation, rewrite the poem and SHOW us your feelings. Kylan's poetry is particularly good at this.

Good luck!

Gahks

That was very well written. I espcially liked the letter at the end. It gave the piece a perfect ending. For some people, Iraq is a very tender subject and you did very well in writing about it.

Personally, it's not the sort of poem I would read about Iraq (I have a severe criticism on the subject) so really, very well done to you.

Wow.
Great job.
You managed to aptly convey the feelings of the girl.
I totally pity her.
It sounded like you had actually experienced it.
I hope that is not the case, for it would be very sad.
If you can further describe in detail her reactions and everything,
You might want to consider making a story out of this,
Because you are able to make us feel for her.
I love the way you pieced the words together.
If this was from based on what you experienced,
I am truly sorry that it had to happen to you
And all the other children whose fathers and brothers had to go to Iraq for war.
Kudos, on a job well done

alicat159 wrote:Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry for you. He must have been really great... My Dad is in the military too, but has only been to Afghanistan for a year. I'm lucky.

It must be terrible, but I do agree with your Dad. This is something that has to be done. We can't just let people (other countries) push us around, ya know? I don't mean to bring up the war or no war issue, so if you don't agree, just don't say anything.

You're in my prayers.

alicat

Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry for you. He must have been really great... My Dad is in the military too, but has only been to Afghanistan for a year. I'm lucky.

It must be terrible, but I do agree with your Dad. This is something that has to be done. We can't just let people (other countries) push us around, ya know? I don't mean to bring up the war or no war issue, so if you don't agree, just don't say anything.

You're in my prayers.

alicat

Hey. I'm really sorry if this happened to you.

I don't think this flowed very well. I couldn't get the feel for any rhythm, and I feel the letter really changes it. It doesn't go in the poem, and it's a bit random. I think this piece would actually be better as a short story.

Mother tells me that she misses my smile
in the mirror I see a different person

Tears roll down my face
as I listen to the radio
They are telling all who had died
in the country at war

Its a great poem, My father is also in the military. I am terribly sorry for your loss and it mustve been very hard for your loss.


The poem is great, It seems as you let your feelings flow through the words. I bet it was difficult writing this, but you did a great job.

I'm Sorry for your Loss
Alex

Hello there, I'm Max, and my brother is going to Iraq, I'm sorryt his happened to you. Truely I am. I'm afraid at any given second it might happen to my brother too. I wrote a poem about my brother too if you would like to check it out. This poem would be exactly what you would do you just put it in words and it flows, nice job sweetie.

-Max

First, I'm so sorry this happened to you (I am assuming here that it is about you). This is really a good poem because you can feel the emotions in it strongly, which is the most important thing about poetry (in my opinion). It's getting across a message of grief, and it does that.

There are a couple grammar mistakes that I'll tell you about, but really they're not that important.

Tears roll down my face
as l listen to the radio
They are telling who all had died who all had died -> all who had died
in the country at war

I never smile anymore, she says The 'she says' sounds a bit weird at the end there
in the mirror i see a different person Capital I


I was looking through my childhood things
later that week
and i find a letter from my dad
and as i read it, my heart stops

I think you should make this whole thing present tense. I think that makes it more immediate and fixes the weird tense transition. So:
Later that week
looking through my childhood things
I find a letter from my dad
and as I read it, my heart stops.

wow....that's.....deep I believe that a person should write what every they feel and it's only true if it comes from them. This is a perfect poem.