Published August 26, 2008
In Iraq
solders shoot without mercy
roads explode constantaly
fathers die without question
children and wifes mourn
and then one day....
heads turn upward
as a burst of fluffy white
emits from the sky
at first,
they are not sure what to think
Iraq is covered in a miracle
that has cleaned the country
of crime and pain
and wiped the frowns off all faces
each snowflake is a dead father
brought back to life.
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140,852 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
beautiful! I loved it. I did think it was a little sad. But it was pure genius. It really makes you think about how horrible the war really is. So many people have died and you showed that. it was wonderful!!
this is really good and i like it.....lol another good poem from Emily about iraq
Hey Emma! It is I, your divine and merciful overlord.
I'm very glad to see you churning these poems out. They seem to be getting better and better. So I'm glad to you making progress.
LET US BEGIN!
The concept and the meaning behind these lines, I am sure are meant to be powerful. Well they aren't. They read like a shopping list - banal and impotent. I think it is because of the 2D way that they have been described. Give us some sensory treats, some back story etc.
Nice juxtaposition to the sharp imagery before.
There is something wrong about this line, and I'm not sure what.
A bit of a cliché here darling.
This ending is electric. It sent chills running down my spine - I'm serious! It is very abstract and sweet. Nice job.
Well done Emma, this poem is good. I'm just in a nit-picky mood
Love
Kris
x
Hello, I don't think we've met. Well I'm Eimear and I'm here to help instruct you. Don't worry, it's nothing awful, it just means that if you want I can keep an eye on your work and help you any way I can. I see that you've only joined yesterday. You seem like a keen poet.
There's a lot of potential in this- but the key is channeling it into a strong and convincing flow of verse. At the moment it's pretty hard to read because of it's rawness.
First piece of advice-only use a capital letter if the sentence starts after a full stop. Why? Because it reads like a list of short sentences instead of a moving and changing river of thought. It's no biggy though, it's easily fixed.
The imagery in this could be stronger. A lot of the poem relies heavily on feelings that you as a writer take for granted- but readers need more of a connection with the speaker's grief. Try and paint a more vivid picture and be careful about telling- this is too much:
This could be powerful- but the sharpness is overused. Try and keep it to a minimum and the imagery more developed. A strange image or unique picture in the readers mind could really make this poem stick in our memories. Iraq is quite a sensitive issue and I haven't read a lot of poems tackling it, so you should take advantage of the rareness of what you are writing about and try to make it mind blowing.
I liked the way it developed into a poem of hope, you kept it simple and I liked that aspect. I just think simple with a dash of complex would work wonderfully. The idea of snow falling is a good metaphor for the war effecting everyone as well as symbolising loss and comfort. All in all, I'd give this a 7 out of 10. Let's try and bump that up?
Love and welcome to YWS!
Eimear