Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: This is a pretty nice and very spooky little story. It certainly sounds pretty nice. I think the flow is very much on point and there are some nice descriptions adding to it to show us exactly what is going on. And all of those make this a pretty fun story to read.
Anyway let's get right to it,
"Okay, I can't handle it. I really, really can't. I give up."
As far as attention grabbing first lines go this one is okay but just a bi too ambiguous to really catch anyone's attention at least in my opinion.
"Here's the thing, Kace, it IS a big deal. We're NOT gonna look back on this and laugh. It's not like it's gonna go away on it's own. It's crazy, unreal, I can't believe-" But by this time she's crying too hard to continue.
You need to show her voice crack a bit there in the dialogue. Otherwise the whole crying thing feels like it is coming straight outta nowhere.
Maggie walks across the familiar hallway, enjoying the clicking noise her heels make against the hardwood floors. She stays focused on this as she enters the bathroom, and shuts her eyes, trying to block out the painful memories the bathroom invokes in her. When she opens them again, she is staring at her reflection in the mirror. Maggie takes in her small, sea-green eyes, long lashes, full lips, and shoulder-length strawberry blonde hair, surveying each part closely. Her favorite feature, she decides, is her eyes, usually. She doesn't like how pathetic and watery they look after she's been crying; it makes her feel weak and vulnerable. Maggie turns the lock on the door, sealing it closed. Amy laughs. "I knew you stay away for long. You can't resist me."
Standard mirror reflection technique I see but the description itself is pretty well done there.
"I know," Amy interrupts. "I know everything." Something about her cruel, slippery voice makes Maggie get up and leave the bathroom. "We'll talk later," calls Amy in a sing-song voice, as the door slams behind Maggie.
Ohh this Amy sounds very interesting.
"You're right. Bye, Kacie," Maggie says tonelessly, still staring at her raw face in the mirror. An hour later, she hasn't moved.
Oh dear that sounds very dangerous. I must track down any more parts of this should such parts exist.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall all I really have to say is that this is some really well done spooky stuff. It shows some great tense moments and the ending is building some great suspense. Overall this is just a really well done piece where I have no suggestions for improvement. Great Job!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254163
Reviews: 4102
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