A Dance With My Pen

As an individual who personally LOVES his fountain pens, I can really relate to what you're saying. However, at times I think the approach you take is almost too abstract to the point where the message is lost. Maybe rein it in a little bit so the reader is always aware of exactly what you are trying to say. As long as you keep the message clear, you have freedom to experiment as you want. Once that is lost though, the reader finds him/herself in a very "Nemo" like situation.

Hey there PrinceofTerror, Edelweiss here for a review!
I really enjoyed this poem! From what I understand, you wrote about writing a work with a pen and how much joy and love there was writing it. When it was finished though, it was all over until you reread it again and relived your past love. Very creative concept, and you created it so beautifully!
My favorite part was when you compared the relationship with marriage.
Anyway, I noticed throughout the poem you would switch from past presence to current presence. This makes it confusing to follow, but no worries it's an easy fix!

In the the first sentence I think instead it should be: "We had a lot of pictures to keep, not even a album could suffice."

Second sentence: Change to "Together we have written a story that will live on even if I turn to dust."

Third sentence : A comma between bright and yellow and it should be "away from the the horizon" instead of just "from the horizon"

Fourth sentence : Add a "t" to "no" and a comma after "graceful."

Sixth sentence: Change "We'll" to We'd, put a period after "eyes".

Last sentence: Change to "And each step we maneuvered was something only we could do."

I hope this has helped you and with a few more changes I think you will have something very special. Overall it is a very lovely piece, keep up the fantastic job!

-Edelweiss-

Heya! Casanova here to review!
The first thing I noticed about this was the format.
Instead of separating the lines into stanzas you formatted them like sentenced. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it's just a style I'm not used to!
I loved this poem, really. I was so.. In-twined with it, I completely forgot that it was about a pen!
I mean, the imagery in this was splendid!
It takes you and.. Well, brings you into IT'S world, like it's real.
I don't really have anything negative to say besides the words at the beginning of each sentence should be capitalized. I mean, I make that mistake all the time myself!
But in the line,"Bright yellow eyes," You should have added a comma between,"Bright," and ,"Yellow."
And in the line,"We'll dance and dance until thee music died out," seems a bit off to me. I's two different time points, past and future. It just seems odd XD.
Anyway, I really did love this.. It's probably one of my favorite pieces from this site!
I hope to see more from you!
Sincerely yours, Matthew Casanova Aaron

I was so engrossed reading this, I almost instantly forgot the title and that you were writing about your pen instead of a lover. It goes without saying that the extended metaphor (the entire poem) is fantastic! You really do a good job holding the reader's attention with flowing and dramatic word choices. None of your lines are choppy; this poem is wonderfully composed. Anyone who spends a lot of time handwriting can find this easily relatable and captivating. A small critique: when you write "You and I have a lot of pictures to keep/perhaps an album would not suffice" you can try either separating the two with a semicolon or changing "a lot" to "so many" to help with sentence flow in those first lines. You also seem to change tenses once towards the end; I know I always have trouble with that, so just keep an eye out. This was remarkable! Would love to read more like this.

Wow. That was simply beautiful! The way one sentence flowed into the next, each one even more enchanting than the last. Where did you even get that idea? Furthermore, how did you get it to look so gorgeous? You should submit this yo a magazine.