My empty hands are grabbing on 2 the wind
and Holdin on 2 all thats good in this life of sin
Label me a Dream Chaser with fire in my eyez
Willin 2 climb struggles mountains however high
Everyday I twist around the sun with this planet
gaining age
colliding w/ the truth, lies and buried realities in a grave.
In the mean time i'll enjoy the finest of the fine
a pretty girlfriend, gettin educated
and a nice car 2 drive.
Breath in 2dayz air with a vengeance
cause 2morrow U might not be here
so get rid of fear
and acknowledge all your blessingz
Stressin no more I am on things without real value
Especially bling the fancy thingz
and what have you
Take control and pursue
all the the dreams that live in your mind
cause the truth about us
iz that we're all Livin 2 Die.
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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
I agree with blackpencil. This was not, by any means, a bad poem. However your writing style is too slang-y. The only problem with that is, and this is not an attack on you, but people may not take you to seriously when they see words constantly ending with z rather than s, u instead of you and 2 instead of to. If you want your poem to get recognized by a wider audience, which it should because it has some good potential, than I suggest editing the way it is written. Good work though!
Hi I've seen some of your work and I like it! Except for one thing. Your style seems to be to use slang internet terms like saying "u" instead of "you" and "2" instead of "to". This is just a pet peeve of mine. I think it looks sloppy and uneducated. But your work I actually like a lot in spite of that! If that's your style then keep it up, but that's unfortunately what I think of Internet slang.
Just some questions
"Stressin no more I am on things without real value" Huh?
"Especially bling the fancy thingz" and again, Huh??
Sorry it just may be because I'm no poet, but I don't understand what you meant to say there.
Oh, and this:
"a pretty girlfriend, gettin educated" This doesn't really fit into the tempo or rhyme pattern of the poem.
Keep up the great work I like your stuff!