My name is Castiel Algloria and I woke up with this unexplainable feeling coursing through my body that my life was going to change forever.
My alarm clock was still wailing it’s annoying buzzing, trying to tell me that the start of my day was to begin at that very second. That I was to wake from my slumber, jump out of my bed, and begin the day with a smile etched on my face. In a perfect world, I guess that is what was supposed to happen. But we don’t live in a perfect world, we don’t have the perfect life, and perfection is just an unachievable idea created through the minds of imperfect people. So instead of getting up, I just laid there, listening to the stinging sound of my alarm as I dreaded starting today.
I was drowning in my ocean of blankets. It was another frozen night. It has been an entire month of frozen nights. Nights where you just want to sit next to a fireplace with a blanket to warm your body, hot chocolate to warm your soul, sitting with your family, laughing at all the bad jokes that your dad says. Well, that is if you do have a family. I was told by my mom that my dad left on his own to meet another woman when I was 4, but I don’t believe that. He just didn’t seem like that kind of person. But what did I know? I was a 4 year old kids with big dreams and even bigger expectations. After my dad left, my mom did the best she could, doing the typical 3-4 jobs a day with overtime to try and get me into a good school and “prepare me for the future”. One of her jobs, however, was being a waitress at a small pub. She did her job, got some tips and stuff. Then some guy decides to go into the pub to try and get a few extra dollars to buy more alcohol. He had a gun. It misfired. I was 13 at that point with no dad and now no mom. One of my mom’s friends, Jake and Martina Browns, took pity on me and, know how crap the adoption thing or whatever is, decided to “adopt” me. They gave me food and clothes. They paid for my apartment until I got a job, knowing that I just needed space. I didn’t mind the quiet, it gave me time to think.
Finally I found the strength and the endurance to slam the snooze button on my clock but quickly found myself engulfed in my blankets once again. The clock tells me that it is 5 in the morning but I could mistake it for 10 at night. The moon and the stars seem to want to take the morning off. During this time, the birds would usually start to wake up at this time and sing their morning tunes, but the cold scared them off. Great. This is the kind of morning, the kind of month, the kind of year, the kind of life that I would get on my 16th birthday. I don’t even know why I keep remembering my birthdays, nobody else does. School starts in about two and a half hours, I guess I should get out of my bed and get ready.
I got out of my bed and looked into my closet. Of course I forgot to fold my clothes last night, so I just got a pair of jeans from my pants pile, which was a faded blue that had some wear and tear in it. I also got some gold t-shirt I never knew I had and a green hoodie. I also go the only pair of socks that I had and slipped them on. At that point, my stomach decided to yell at me until I feed it something that would make it full. So my body seem to automatically roam to the kitchen.
My apartment wasn’t a huge place but I wouldn’t say that it was super tiny either. It was pretty much two rooms, one room with a single sized bed and a closet, and the other room with everything else. I would say that it was a mixture between a kitchen, living, and dining room all in one. I had a stove, an oven, a microwave, a refrigerator, a dishwasher, and a couple cabinets with nothing in them. There was also a tiny counter. Then there was the table with a couch put in instead of a chair and a T.V. set on the table. I couldn’t afford cable and all that other jazz so all I would watch on the T.V. was a mixture of Gladiator, Braveheart, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. And in a small corner of the room was the shower/bath combo. However, there was something different about the kitchen. I opened up the refrigerator and found out that there was a cake and a note waiting for me.
My oven told me that it was 5:30 in the morning and that I only had 30 minutes to make it to the bus stop. I slipped the note into my book bag as I didn’t have much time to fully analysis what the note had to say to me. Then there was the cake, which was already cut into 14 equal pieces. I pulled it out of the fridge and placed it on the table. It stated Happy 16th Birthday from the Browns. I guess somebody did remember my birthday. A piece was placed onto one of my many paper plates. It was red velvet cake with a cream frosting, my favorite kind of cake.
The last piece of that slice of cake was so good, but now it is 5:40 and I needed to get to the bus stop. I quickly put the cake back into the refrigerator, slipped on my shoes, launched my book bag over my shoulder, and rushed out the door. If I sprinted to the bus stop, I might have time to speak with Darrel.
Coming from a sprint to a complete stop is a skill that I have seen to be able to perfect. I made it at the stop with about 5 extra minutes, so I decided to go to the gas station across the street. I was so glad that Darrel was inside when I came through the door. Darrel was the owner of the gas station, and him being unimaginative, called it Gas Station. He was also Irish and you wouldn’t be able to tell other than he fact that he has a really thick Irish accent. We have been pretty good friends ever since he gave me a job at the gas station about a year after my mom died. Because of his generosity, because of his trust in a 14 year old, I was able to stay in the apartment that I so loved.
“Whats up Darrel?”, I stated as I waltz into the door.
“You think that just because you work here, you’re able to just waltz in whenever you please.” He retorted with the most serious face that I have seen on a man, and I have seen Braveheart at least 12 times.
That statement cause me to stop where I was as I started to lower my head. Then I heard him laugh.
“You thought that I was serious?! Man you are too gullible. I’m doing good. You going to be at work after school?” He stated back with a huge grin on his face.
The only expression on my face was that of a murder looking at his next target, his next murder that he will commit. He still had the audacity to keep laughing at me, saying that it was all a joke. This happened to the point where he was just quiet, asking if I was mad and stuff. That was when my composure broke and I started cracking up. At that point, we were both dying of laughter, so much so that my lungs felt like they were going to burst.
“Yeah, I’ll be here after school. Well, I mean it depends on whether or not my bus driver is going to drop me off on time or not, but I plan to be here. There is no place I would rather be. Well, other than my apartment.” I said after the laugher seemed to cool down a little.
“So I see where I am on your priority list. Ok, just come when you can.” Darrel stated, though I knew that he was somewhat kidding.
“My bus is probably going to be here soon. You mind if I can get a Monster?”
“Sure, go ahead. It’s coming out of your paycheck though.”
“Its fine. Thanks.”
By the time that I got the Monster and walked back to the bus stop, the bus was coming down the road. That was when the palm of my hands were started to burn a little, though I would not know until the end of the day.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I really like your story so far!
I like that you put some creative sentences in to make it interesting.
Something to consider is that maybe to spread the back story out so you are reveling a little bit at a time. Maybe saying crucial information first then slowly start reveling things as the story goes on, just a suggestion
Overall I loved it and hope you will write a lot more.
Hey. Rachelle here.
You wrote this in a strange way. There were a lot of typos and stuff. Also, your character seems a little flat. Does she not have any ambition? Any dreams? Any personality? It was like you were describing a minor character instead of the main character. Also, you might want to switch to past tense. Present tense isn't working well for you.
A few bad parts are these:
"Of course I forgot to fold my clothes last night" This is irrelevant. It doesn't matter.
"The only expression on my face was that of a murder looking at his next target," You need to change murder to murderer.
"My oven told me that it was 5:30 in the morning" You use phrases like this a lot. It gets redundant. Tell me. Show don't tell is a pointless rule sometimes.
I liked the plot but you need to fix a few things. Good luck.
Rachelle
Thank you so much. This really helped!