Hello pretz! is that nickname cool with you As you know, I am trying to push myself to review more, so here ya go.
I can sense how awesome it is to see these pine trees outside your window and witness their growth, but I felt like I wasn't getting the whole awesome-ness through this poem. I'm sure you've heard the saying "show, don't tell", and I feel like that really, really applies here. Your vocabulary was nice--"majestic, aroma", but for this poem, the vocab didn't really do much for me. I really liked some of these lines ("Needles sharpened, bark became rough." "Little baby pine cones appear,--Snuggled in the depth of the branches") because they contained imagery and personification.
The other lines felt dull to me. If you expanded on the imagery and uniquely and originally described the pine tree's growth and how the girl grows up with the tree, it would definitely improve the overall poem.
You begin the poem by describing the watching girl as lonely. Why is she lonely and how does she find solace in the tree? I would love to see a sort of full circle thing here; girl is lonely and the tree helps her be less lonely by providing a branch for a tire swing or a getaway to climb to where she can be alone and peaceful; something of some significance. As she grows up, she uses it for something else, and at the end, as a grandmother, she returns to sit under its shade. I didn’t feel like the whole growing up with the tree thing was portrayed.
From a pine cone,
Day after day she saw
The miracle of the pine tree.
Ok, so you start off by letting us know the pine tree is going to transform in this stunningly beautiful way and that you are going to describe this stunningly beautiful transition. The second line of the poem didn’t really do much for me; it was a flat, basic line, and in poetry, every line and word choice is important, as I’m sure you know. Maybe something like “its roots in a pine cone” or “winding its way to the sky/through the dirt” would be better and provide a more interesting image.
Branches gave way into many directions,
“Gave way” is really a strange word(s) choice here. It makes it seem like the branches didn’t want to grow but finally “gave way” for some reason or another. I would suggest changing it to “stretched in many directions” or something of the like.
Crushing the needles with the heel of her foot,
She smells the scent and aroma of pines.
The poem suddenly switches from the description of the tree growing to the girl who was mentioned in the beginning. It’s an abrupt transition and confusing for the reader.
What I really would like to see in this poem is how the tree relates to the girl and more imagery.
The only really touching relationship I saw between the girl and the tree was at the end when, as a grandmother, she sat under it for shade. I would love to see you add onto how the tree eases the girl’s loneliness when she is little, and continues to help and provide her with safety, hope, whatever as she grows older. The woman aging is not shown at all throughout the poem--she just suddenly is a grandmother at the end, from being a little girl at the beginning.
Really delve deep into original, imaginable descriptions of the tree as well.
So big and majestic
Took so long to grow
This is just saying what happened and doesn’t add anything to the poem. Exercise the wonderful imagery you have in other lines! That way, the miracle of the pine tree will actually seem like that: an awesome, huge, beautiful miracle.
Overall rating: 5.5/10
Keep writing!
+1
P.S. Let me know if I was too harsh--as always, this is just constructive criticism and not criticism of you as a writer or person. Hope this is helpful!
-Marshymallow
I will work with tthe comma spaces(that is my weakness in poetry)
Points: 3874
Reviews: 158
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