Prologue
Life flashes in front of all of us in a matter of seconds. We have one path set for us and in one second it can change. We no longer know who we are, or what we are supposed to be doing. Being trapped in a cage never ties into anyone’s plans. Rarely does it occur to people that their freedom could disappear in the blink of an eye.
Camilla had everything planned out for when she graduated high school. She would attend Harvard and then continue on to Harvard Law graduate school. Camilla wanted exactly three kids: two boys and one girl. She even had names picked out. The boys would be named Valentin and Demitri. The girl would be called Jazriella. She wanted a perfect house, in a perfect neighborhood, along with a perfect husband. Nothing out of the ordinary would happen; ever.
That was not her plan anymore. The new plan was survival. Not day to day, not hour to hour, but second to second. Camilla’s world consisted of nothing more than a dark basement. The only light she saw came from the small and grimy window above her head. Even with that meager source she could barely see. The bed she sat on squeaked incessantly and the mattress was beyond ancient. She couldn’t say how long she had been down there. All she knew was that it felt like an eternity; an eternity in hell.
For the most part she heard nothing; she saw no one. Three times a day; however, the door at the top of the stairs opened. Lumps of stale bread were thrown at her before the door was slammed shut again. If she was lucky, water in a small plastic bottle got thrown down as well. Yet even with water provided she could feel her lips cracking. Maybe one day a tube of chap stick would get thrown at her. She would certainly welcome it.
She still had yet to see the face of her captor. In fact, she had yet to figure out how she had ended up in the basement. As time lapsed she found herself attempting to remember the little details of the world she had known before she woke up in the dark. What had she been doing? Did she know her assailant? Those questions swirled around in her mind, often making her dizzy. Her life had been perfect. What had she done wrong? What had she done that was so terrible that all she deserved was a dark hell?
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140,745 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
Hey PrettyInPink,
I’m going to be pretty critical here and say, first of all, that I found this quite disappointing.
That’s not to say that the ideas here aren’t good, or that this didn’t intrigue me a little bit; I did have to wonder what had happened to Camilla, and how she had ended up down there – in fact, I am going to read the next part to see where you take this and whether some of the issues I have with this prologue are solved in the first chapter.
However, I found this overall a little too tell-y. As in, you’re telling me this story:
“Camilla had a lot of great plans, but then she ended up in a dark basement. She had no idea how she’d come to be there.”
That could be great for the base of an idea, but it definitely needs a lot of expanding. I need to know more about Camilla, more about her life locked down in the basement. When I read a story, I don’t want it to sound like an article—I want to be drawn in there with Camilla, and I want to know what she’s thinking, feeling, seeing, wondering about exactly. Perhaps you could start when Camilla first finds herself awake in the basement. If you could get her feelings at this across to the reader clearly enough, I really think that I might be able to emphasise with Camilla a little better.
As it is, there’s an idea there, but not enough of a story. I read this, and I might vaguely want to know what happens next, but honestly, you didn’t really make me care about Camilla. You didn’t draw me in there so I felt like I was right next to her, experiencing what she was experiencing.
There are a couple of other small things that bother me -- firstly, the fact that she’s thinking about chap-stick of all things. There must be something else down there in the cellar. If she really has been there for ages, she must have had to use the bathroom; she must stink, and feel really ill if all she’s had to eat and drink are small bits of bread and water. If she’s lost her memory, she must feel completely helpless and confused. And the having no idea whatsoever of how long she’s been down there for also seems a little much – surely there must be some indication? Noises from upstairs, perhaps, or the number of times she’s received food and water?
Overall, there’s a nice idea for a story here, but I think it needs reworking to include a lot more depth, and to make the reader feel for and connect to Camilla. This tells me what happens, but I’m just not seeing it.
Keep going with it, though – this will only improve the longer you keep working on it. ^.^
~Niebla~
The story surprised me with the depth it showed me. You can really tell about the MC's dreams and hopes and aspirations and how that all flew away when she was caught. I actually feel for her. But more than that, I wonder about who captured her, the reason why and look forward to reading how she fits all the pieces of her puzzle back together!
This is intriguing. I really liked the beginning and how it makes the reader on the edge of their seat before you even bring in the character. I also really liked the description of Camilla. She seems like an ordinary person so it makes me wonder, what exactly did she do to get locked up? The whole story was very interesting and I found it really well written too! I can't wait to see more of this!