Published July 29, 2011
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140,707 Literary Works • 673,673 Reviews
I agree with the message you have here. However you did have a few mistakes and a lot of how you spoke seemed really ghetto..lol. I'm sorry if that offends you, but it comes off being juvenile. I will list the mistakes that I've observed in bold below. I'm sure the other person pointed out all of the mistakes, but I don't feel like reading what he/she said.
1. It would better if you take "them" out. Also it should be "asleep"
2. Would be better as "I'm a preacher"
3. "Them" should be taken out again.
4. Change "how" into "what".
5. This doesn't sound intelligent...perhaps you should change it into "When, without a doubt they're still in a mess."
6. Completely ghetto and highly implausible about people "smoking weed" in the back.
7. "Its" should be "It's"
8. Shortest of clothes...hmm, I assume you mean people coming to church dressed immodest. You probably should just say people coming to church dressed immodest.
9. "their" should be "they're"
10. Who do you know that only text "numbers". Take out numbers and just leave "texting"
11. Instead of saying "doing stuff they have no right" you should put "do the things that aren't right"
12. "we go be all right"..again very ghetto...you should put "we are going to be all right"
13. "they in the back keeping secrets" should be "they're in the back keeping secrets"
14. "we" should be "we're"..although the sentence sounds incomplete with or without the change
15. This whole statement is inaccurate and foolish to say. The church itself does not "make" anyone do anything. People choose to make the mistakes they make. It's all done by choice.
Like I said before
I agree a lot of what you've written and I find that organized religion is really f***ed up and is full of hypocrisy. However, I know my review may seem harsh, but if you are trying to make a point you should really pay attention to how well it sounds and also check the grammer and such. Otherwise you come off as being a self-righteous ghetto goofball.
Me like.
Oh my. Was this poem an 'impulse' thing? I see it's dotted with little errors.
'Their' should be used in place of 'there'.
Something very disjointed about these sentences. I think there ought to have been a word between 'you' and 'God'.
Again, that disjointed feeling. Punctuation would doubtlessly be useful here, too.
'Their', dear, 'their'.
'You're'. surely?
'Lye'? Please don't mix modern and archaic English. Besides being outdated, it's painful.
'By' in place of 'my'.
'They're', not 'there'.
The axis upon which your poem rests is crippled by lack of punctuation.
Again, some punctuation would a godsend. And it's 'you're', not 'your'.
Again, I see this was supposed to be a powerful ending. Capitalization of odd words and misplaced grammar gives it a poor feel.
You have not tried your best with this poem! Revise it with my suggestions in mind,and hopefully you'll come out with a better draft. Pay attention to words like 'their', 'there' and 'they're'. Punctuation is not evil.
This is a powerful topic to write about, but fumbling over the language is no way to bring your points across.
(The dogs are cute but random.)