Blissterful

by Popa

  • Poetry
  • Lyrical

Published May 24, 2011

Spoiler! :
Dry;
Drier than my chapped lips
That burn when I run my tongue over them,
Due to the acidity in my saliva.
You say it makes them a pretty color.
Thank you.

Dry;
Drier than the cake we baked on a snow day
When you had no vegetable oil and we figured that water would do the trick...
But it didn't.
We ate the icing anyway.
It was quite delicious.

Dry;
Drier than the sand on the edge of the dunes
That scolds your feet if you don't wear shoes.
Bu I don't like shoes and neither do you,
So our feet lived in misery together.
It was quite blissterful.

Dry is what our conversations have succumb to,
And the sentences are getting shorter,
And the breaks are getting longer,
And I'm terrified that our friendship is falling apart because of one little fight.

Are you terrified too?


This is my first poem in a very long time. I feel like I still write like a ten year old. So, please whip me into shape and slaughter this poem piece by piece.
Have no mercy!

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Jessa
Review
Jessa wrote a review Review · May 26, 2011

This was a really nice poem! It was very creative and the format was unique. I did not find any major edits, but I just had a few comments/suggestion :]

Dry;
Drier than my chapped lips
That burn when I run my tongue over them,
Due to the acidity in my saliva.
You say it makes them a pretty color.
Thank you.
-->Something here stumps me...and I think it is the last line. The 'thank you' sounds really cold. I don't know if it was supposed to be that way or not?

Dry;
Drier than the cake we baked on a snow day
When you had no vegetable oil and we figured that water would do the trick...
But it didn't.
We ate the icing anyway.
It was quite delicious.
--> This stanza was great! I liked how you called the cake dry, not many people would think of that.

Dry;
Drier than the sand on the edge of the dunes
That scolds your feet if you don't wear shoes.
Bu I don't like shoes and neither do you,
So our feet lived in misery together.
It was quite blissterful.
--> Tell us more about the dunes. What are they like? Why are they special? Just meantioning them leaves the reader wondering. But at the same time, I also love how you related it to being dry.

Dry is what our conversations have succumb to,
And the sentences are getting shorter,
And the breaks are getting longer,
And I'm terrified that our friendship is falling apart because of one little fight.
--> I really liked the ending. I really don't like to read something predictable, so you did a good job of having the ending be a surprise.

Are you terrified too?


I would love to see more from you, Keep writing!

-Jessa

User avatar
KatTrain
Review
KatTrain wrote a review Review · May 25, 2011

Dry;
Drier than my chapped lips i dislike the repetition, it doesn't sound 'beautiful' like poetry should
That burn when I run my tongue over them, get rid of the comma
Due to the acidity in my saliva. this is too much like normal conversation
You say it makes them a pretty color. The last two lines are amazzinngg! I love them. ah <3 They're really nice because you put the contrast of painful, dry lips being beautiful
Thank you.

Dry;
Drier than the cake we baked on a snow day
When you had no vegetable oil and we figured that water would do the trick...
But it didn't.
We ate the icing anyway.
It was quite delicious.

Dry;
Drier than the sand on the edge of the dunes
That scoalds your feet if you don't wear shoes.
But I don't like shoes and neither do you,
So our feet lived in misery together. I Love this line
It wascomma quite blissterful.

Dry is what our conversations have succumb to,
And the sentences are getting shorter,
And the breaks are getting longer,
And I'm terrified that our friendship is falling apart because of one little fight. perfect stanza

Are you terrifiedcomma too? perfect ending.

I love how these stanzas end up all being linked together in the end! Keep writing, good luck with your future writing too.
-KatTrain

User avatar
SakuraFallsSweetly♥
Comment
SakuraFallsSweetly♥ commented Comment · May 24, 2011

This was really good! The repetition really ephasised it. Great imagery, rhythm was pretty good too. Very nice piece you've written! Well done.

User avatar
laylaflame
Review
laylaflame wrote a review Review · May 24, 2011

Hey there!:D
I'll be honest, I'm not very good at reviewing in detail:) But I'll try my best..

Dry;
Drier than my chapped lips

Good use of repetition through out the peom, and I like the similies you use
That burn when I run my tongue over them,
Due to the acidity in my saliva.

Personally the second line here just makes me think of a slimy texture:P but I can't suggest anything, sorry. (so helpful I know:P)
You say it makes them a pretty color.
Thank you.

I love these lines! So simple and sweet; it turns the slimy feeling into a gooey love feeling:)

Dry;
Drier than the cake we baked on a snow day

Also sweet:)
When you had no vegetable oil and we figured that water would do the trick...
But it didn't.

Now here the timing goes out of whack.. though I kind of like it. It seems more personal and friendly, like a thing you say to a friend to make them laugh (actually thats exactly what it is). Thing is I know some people with more expertise may say to change it or re-word it to make it follow the flow.
We ate the icing anyway.
It was quite delicious.

Simple and sweet again. I like your style;)

Dry;
Drier than the sand on the edge of the dunes
That scolds your feet if you don't wear shoes.

Good beat/ rhythm here
Bu I don't like shoes and neither do you,

I think you mean 'But' :P (I do the same thing:P)
So our feet lived in misery together.
It was quite blissterful.

Like how you have incorporated the title in here, though it doesn't seem to fit right. This may because this stanza's rhythm was consistant and the last line changes it.

Dry is what our conversations have succumb to,

i like how you have turned the similie you've used throughout your peom and changed it to a metaphor for the message your conveying to your 'friend'. (I use apostrophes here since the person your talking to/about may not be a friend anymore due to the lack of connection.. see I'm paying attention)
And the sentences are getting shorter,
And the breaks are getting longer,

good rhythm again, and I like the use of opposites (shorter/longer)
And I'm terrified that our friendship is falling apart because of one little fight.

Here the rhythm goes a bit off again, only problem is that it doesn't work as well here... Its also not the best line to use just before the end. Try to build up more to the end in your last lines, not make the readers want to know more and question the background story. Mentioning a fight would have been better near the begining.

Are you terrified too?

Unfortunatly I didn't like the ending; like the idea of it (turning the feeling back on the reader), but it didn't flow off the line before it.

Anyway there you have it! Hope it helps, but really I just told you what I liked about it :P So don't change those bits! :D
By the way; I think your a much better writter than I am:)

-Layla Flame



But there was no goat man, there was NEVER any goat man!
— OSP Red