Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this one was actually pretty confusing little story. There were some nice little points but there were also some pretty confusing parts and when its all merged together you unfortunately don't neutralize confusion but rather its been increased into a slightly convoluted frankenstein monster of a piece that doesn't seem to have that clear of a direction. However, the really were some pretty novel and rather effective comparisons that you used.
Anyway let's get right to it,
You can't fall in love with death there, a moment away, on the line.
It's like wiring up a broken bulb--and no broken heart works better than broken glass no matter how many wires you string through it.
Well that is definitely a very different comparison from what I have seen in the pass but it also a really good one that is definitely very true. This is going to be pretty interesting to see here.
Bellezza knew this because everyone in war had a broken heart. Just like every family had barbed wire around their windows and death in their painted glass--she knew. No matter how much wire, a lightbulb wouldn't blink broken.
At this point I have to point out that a simple lightbulb can still sort of generate light if the glass part is shattered, its only if you destroy the filament that you can actually break the thing permanently.
So some had shrapnel. So she guessed. Others had gotten shattered in the long nights where silence falls like a bomb. The little girls with pigtails and dirt under their nails got squishy, crooked hearts--like the pockets they dug through, the ribs and hips beneath quashed into day-old maggot flesh. And the young men fell in love with the dirt, with choked, gagging feelings in their gut or with the paine shin in their rifle barrels.
Well that was an interesting direction to be taking things in. It wasn't necessarily all that clear if this whole thing is a comparison or are you being literal because I feel like this particular part is definitely ambiguous enough to be going both ways.
When Gaetano sauntered through, the streets were dusk-grey. Dust and sunset, brown and desert silence, tangled with a wind's hicc-ed breath. He sauntered in, wan face and lazy grin, and he'd got his heart all bent up into his shoulders. They stuck out from his uniform, lanky turned to bone. Yet flitting, abrupt, his hands talked--drew pictures in the air, and he didn't say anything unless you looked.
And then this is a weird transition. It feels like it should maybe be a scene break there or else its just a little jarring to read this whole dude just appearing straight outta nowhere.
He might have said it to any girl. Oh, and he hadn't.
And she crushed heart, tinfoil, stringing wires through its hollows now, and whispers. Because she knew what love was.
To exchange hearts--it was only fair to make an even deal.
Aaand that was a bit of a weird little twist almost at the end there. It just feels like something entirely different happens at the end. Overall its just a little bit confusing to see.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall despite the slight confusion I did like most of the descriptions that you had and the general flow of the piece was okay besides the weird transition that I mentioned above. And that's about all that I have to say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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Reviews: 4100
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