A Holiday with Oliver

Hey there.

I'll start with the hospital part. I don't really get why exactly the narrator decided to just read out the headline on the newspaper. From the looks of it, he did it just because he was bored, but who actually does that? I would think there's more of a compelling reason to it. It's like you decided to include it to have some sort of conflict in the waiting room. I do like however how you established the dynamic between the narrator and Rory, with the narrator being a somewhat overly nice and caring guy and a little of a worry wart, and Rory being more firm.

Ollie felt more real to me as a character I think. He seems like someone that just wants to do what he likes and isn't fussed about what other people say. He's just a modest guy wanting to just live life and not worked over trying to find a stable job or fulfilling personal goals. You've also captured the fact as to how some guys tend to act like loveable dorks when it comes to hanging around with girls that they like to some extent. However, I would like to see more development with Rory. She doesn't develop beyond the hospital scene, and we really don't know much about her.

I started getting bored when it came to the discussion with the narrator and the same guy back at the hospital. It's rather left wing; I don't really understand why he would want to converse with the narrator at all (I would if the girl was really appealing to him, but you haven't established that).

This is very nice. The beginning felt slightly sluggish, but It caught my interest pretty quick. I did notice a few misspellings, I think. Due to the fact I'm from the US and I would much rather not make a fool of myself by correcting them only to find that you were spelling them correctly according to UK spelling I'l just say take a few moments to read through and do some double checking. Reading aloud is my choice way of finding mistakes I've made.

As I stated previously, the beginning was a little hard to get into, but from there the story was able to pull me along easily. I only had a bit of confusion when we went from the sort of background bit to where he was talking about Rory and moving on to the hospital. I got lost as to what time frame we were in. I'm guessing it was a look backwards from the point where the narrator was talking, but it wasn't completely clear. That transition might need to made just a bit stronger so it doesn't get confusing. Most readers will give up at the first sign of confusion.

Your characters are well planned. Ollie is a very clear character through the story and I like that. David is strange to say the least. I like his character more in the diner than when they were at the Emergency. They almost felt like two different characters. His dialogue at the hospital didn't match up with how he spoke at the diner. I don't know how you feel about that. It's nothing that really bothers me, it adds to the strangeness of the character, which seems to be the point. Just something to think about. Especially later done the road with the project when you go back to edit. The little bits in the beginning can have huge impacts on the character development later.

I would like to see more with Rory, I'm basically saying I hope I see more of Rory. I enjoyed seeing that aspect of Ollie. It felt real. Boys act totally different with girls than they do with their friends. It was well done.

All in all I look forward to more of this. It peaks my interest and it has good pacing. My above comments are only suggestions. I'll be looking out for more.