“...when all the dust is settled and all the crowds are gone, the things that matter are faith, family, and friends.” — Barbara Bush
Light shone directly in Ralys’s eyes, disrupting his once peaceful sleep. He squinted, covering his eyes with his forearm as he attempted to get to his feet. The world wobbled beneath him and the ground left his feet, and he faceplanted into the grass— wait, grass? He blinked his eyes until they adjusted to the sun. Looking around, he saw he was lying in the middle of someone’s backyard. Several other kids his age were also passed out on the lawn, beer cans, trash and— were those couch cushions? — littered the ground around them.
He groaned, climbing to his feet, this time successfully. Bits and pieces of last night trickled back into memory. He rubbed his temples, hoping to relieve some of the pressure of his massive headache.
“Dude,” someone groaned from the ground as he stepped over them. It was Yancey. “That was… sick.” He garbled sleepily.
“I’m sick.” Ralys scoffed, grabbing Yancey’s hand and pulling him to his feet. “C’mon, let’s get you home.”
They staggered down a block to Yancey’s house, flipping clumsily over his back fence and, with strenuous effort, Ralys managed to hoist his friend in through his bedroom window. There was lots of clattering and painful groans, but Ralys figured it was better than getting caught having snuck out.
Yancey’s head popped back up into the window, “You gonna be okay, man?” He inquired.
Ralys checked the time on his phone— 6:44am. He nodded. “I should be able to make it home before my mom gets up for work.” He hopped back over the fence.
Yancey blew a kiss his way, “Godspeed, pilgrim!”
Ralys made it home as fast as his hungover body could take him. As he came up to the driveway, he saw the Honda Civic parked there, and his already sour day felt immediately ten times worse. “No point sneaking around now.” He grumbled to himself, walking straight through the front door.
[authors note: the indented paragraph above doesn't have a natural flowing transition from Ralys walking home to him seeing his step-dad's car in the driveway, but I can't quite figure out how to make it... nicer. Any advice there would be super rad. Thank you]
His hysterical mother crashed into him like a wave, nearly taking him to the floor as she embraced him. “Oh my god Ralys, I was worried sick! You have no idea!”
He patted her back halfheartedly, glaring over her shoulder directly at Liam, who stood leaning against the living room doorway. “I’m fine. It’s not a big deal.”
“Not a big deal?!” His mother wailed, holding him at arms length by the shoulders. “Ralys, you can’t keep doing this. Sneaking out and—” He saw the realisation on her face before she even said anything, “Do you smell like alcohol? Have you been drinking? Oh my— I can’t.” She let him go, throwing her hands in the air and walking away into the other room, yelling, “You’re only fifteen, you can’t be doing this!”
“It wouldn’t be a big deal if you hadn’t invited him over!” Ralys shouted, gesturing to Liam.
Liam grimaced, “You think it would’ve been better for her to call the police, like she wanted to, Ral?”
“Don’t call me that!” Ralys snarled.
"She called me to help find you." Liam took a step toward him, “Hell, I should call you in for underage drinking. But that’s the thing, kid, we’re just trying to help you.” He reached a hand out to touch the boy’s shoulder, but Ralys moved away. “No one’s trying to hurt you. Your mother and I see your potential and just want to keep you from squandering it.”
“You don’t know anything about me.” Ralys muttered, pushing passed Liam and heading upstairs.
He stopped halfway as Liam said, “If you keep pushing everyone away, you’re the only one who’s gonna get hurt, Ral.”
Ralys’s chest clenched and he gripped the railing tight. “Whatever.” He ran up the rest of the steps and into his bedroom, slamming the door shut.
Through his bedroom door, Ralys could hear bits and pieces of his mom and Liam talking about him.
“I just don’t know what to do...”
“He just needs time...”
“Maybe I should send him somewhere…”
Ralys crossed his arms, scowling at the door as if the two downstairs would be able to somehow feel his scathing gaze. He hated this house, he hated his stupid step-dad, he hated that all they ever wanted to do was try to fix him instead of just be with him. He rubbed his eyes as he felt the tears rise up. This was stupid.
He took out his phone and texted Yancey before grabbing his hoodie and climbing out of his window, an effortless act at this point. He dropped to the ground with a hard thud and turned to hop the fence, but Liam’s voice made him pause.
“Leaving again so soon?” The man asked.
Ralys didn’t bother turning around. Instead, he jumped over the fence still. “No point in staying to fight. Doesn’t ever help anything anyway.”
Liam sighed, “Ral, look at me.” No response. “Please.” Ralys huffed and turned to him. “Your mom is trying her best, hell, I’m trying my best to prove to you we only want what’s best for you.”
Ralys bit his lip to keep it from quivering. He’d be damned before he cried in front of Liam. “How do you even know what’s best for me, huh?” He snapped, his voice cracking in the middle, he hoped Liam hadn't noticed.
"I can't definitely say I know what's best, but I can tell you sneaking out and drinking and partying isn't the answer." Liam said with a shrug, "I can tell you your mom and I love you, and that you can trust us. And by fighting us, sorry to say it, kid, but you're gonna end up alone sooner or later."
Ralys stood in silence, shaky hands turning into fists. He wanted to scream or punch him or run away or do something, but he just stood there.
Liam smiled sympathetically at the boy, turning to go back inside, "Just be back before the sun goes down this time, okay? So your mom doesn't panic again." And with that, he disappeared through the front door, leaving Ralys alone with this anger, and his thoughts.
End of chapter
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140,790 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Really nice story. I can really feel Ralys' frustration and angst. Yet, I really respect Liam and how he is dealing with a rebellious teen. If I'm supposed to hate that guy, I hope you do something to change my view of him soon in the next chapters. Otherwise, I think you are doing an amazing job. Not many stories these days are mature enough to show both sides. Nothing is ever black and white. That's life and often both parties of an argument are wrong and right. I admire how you approach this fact of life. It's very realistic.
Now where grammar and construction goes - I saw nothing wrong. You are seriously a fantastic writer.
Keep writing! Can't wait to read the next chapter.
-Shieldmaiden
Hey Pomeroy!
So I was engaged in this segment. The story moved smoothly, and I already saw the setup of tension here, between Ralys and his parents, and his drinking habits and his parents. Your writing style was very easy to read and, like I said, very engaging. Contemporary isn't my cup of tea, but I enjoyed this one.
Because of your author's note, I suppose this is an invitation to offer advice?
Ralys is what I would say an unlikable character? Um, he drinks and when his step-dad especially tries to talk reasonably to him, he lashes out. I can tell he feels a lot of resentment toward Liam because he's a step-dad but at the same time at one point, he is touched. He is definitely frustrated and angry and I can imagine this story will be about the relationship between him and his parents, as your quote suggests. One issue I have is that the confrontation I imagined between him and his parents...never happened. Maybe his mom is not the type to go and launch on a tirade. But still. I kind of expected one and Ralys simmering in his room was a little letdown. I also felt the noticeable lack of his mother's presence...it's Liam who's doing most of the talking. Maybe she's fed up with Ralys's behavior but I imagine I'd have liked to see her take a more active role? Not sure.
Either way, I quite enjoyed it! Let me know if you need anything!
-Ink
Idk if you meant it to be as funny as it was, but I'm literally laughing out loud at you saying Ralys is unlikable. Hopefully it's a good idea, but my aim is to start with Ralys being a complete jerk, so that the reader can really follow along with his development.
Thank you thank you thank you for the advice about the transition! After I read this, I was like "DUH! Of course!" So I'm definitely gonna fix that. And I totally see what you're saying about his mom. I think I was worried about dragging the confrontation out too long? But I'll go back over that bit and mess around to see what I can change.
Again, thank you for the review, it was super helpful. And I'm really glad that you enjoyed this, even though it isnt quite your gente. Thanks for giving me a shot lol
Ahh hah. From hindsight, my choice is definitely funny
Hey Pomeroy!
So, I really like this! My general review format is I tell you what I think needs editing so that I can leave you with the positive!
Anyway, review time.
In all honesty, I didn't find much wrong with this. The only thing that I will suggest (which you don't have to do if you don't want to) is that when one character is talking, don't put so many things in between explaining how she was reacting. That wasn't a very clear way of explaining it so I'm going to show you instead:
“Not a big deal?!” His mother wailed, holding him at arms length by the shoulders. “Ralys, you can’t keep doing this. Sneaking out and—” He saw the realisation on her face before she even said anything, “Do you smell like alcohol? Have you been drinking? Oh my— I can’t.” She let him go, throwing her hands in the air and walking away into the other room, yelling, “You’re only fifteen, you can’t be doing this!"
That's what you wrote. What I was trying to say in a very complicated way is not to put so many "He saw the realization on her face before she even said anything [more]" and "She let him go, throwing her hands in the air and walking away into the other room, yelling."
I used to do that A LOT but when someone pointed it out to me, I realized I did it too much. Don't quit doing that completely because you do need it to express how they're acting.
On to the good stuff!
I really like it! I feel like I can relate to Ralys because he has very teenage, very realistic ideas. Not realistic in an adult way but it's realistic as to how a teenager would think. I can tell already that I am going to like his character.
I LOVE how you started! I have never seen a book start with someone waking up from a party with a major hangover! I like that because it sets the age of the character almost right away without outright saying it. It was a very good way of letting readers know without actually saying it. Good on you for that.
I hope to see more soon!
Your friend,
Honora
Thank you so much for the review, and the advice!!! I think I get what you're saying about adding all the description in between dialogue. I'll have to read back through and see where to crop that. And I'll try to be more mindful of it in the future!