Published November 12, 2011
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139,421 Literary Works • 672,559 Reviews
I don't think you need to change anything. But then maybe I'm just bad at this whole reviewing thing.
You don't need any flowery language. You don't need to do anything else to describe the envy because you did. And the whole "despair with the knowledge that" thing. The only suggestion I suppose I could make is change "with" to "at," but either way it makes sense, so just do your thing regarding the language. I like everything about it. So that's enough of that.
[Love is silly, is it not?]
Ooo this was nice. Very nice. Short, bare and to the point. I like that you were so direct, it's hard to get your point across in such little detail, but you did it! That's talent. I really like what this is about too. Very heart felt and bitter, I can almost feel your emotion seeping through the words. This is one of my favorites now!
You need to describe more on the feeling of envy. Use metaphors, similies, more devices.
You did a good job on creating the setting.
Lovely poem. So true! I've seen it happen so many times. There's not much more to say than what others above me have already said (other than I'm glad that I found this piece and will definitely be reading more of your works). I agree with whoever said that it needs to be longer. I also agree about that line that everyone keeps mentioning. I'm not a very good poet, so I don't have any good ideas for you as to how you could make that work, but keep thinking about it and I'm sure it will come to you. Anyway, great little poem here. Keep up the good work!
~Jes
We've all been there, haven't we? Especially inside jokes. I know I hate inside jokes I don't get, but I'm totally a hypocrite, because I have so many inside jokes, you can say a random word and I'll start laughing like a maniac. And no way will I explain myself. Ahh. But why am I talking about me?
I can clearly feel your emotion. And it's not a great emotion, is it? But I always appreciate when the author shares their soul's desires so palpably. You get points for that.
This seems to be the lines people have trouble with. I think dispair is misspelled. The only reason I say think is because it's such a reasonable spelling, that just might be how it's spelled where your from. Like colour instead of color. I've never heard of any place that does that, but I'm not an expert on world spellings. Far from it.
Now, about "given the chance" that everyone wants you to change. It doesn't bother me. It makes sense to me the way it is. But, whatever.
That's all. I really liked it! (Probably because it's so easy to relate to!)
Oh, no, that's not it! I also want to advise you not to murder the kid you're envious of, if this poem is based on life. Murder's illegal, and we can't have such a great poet in jail! You can imagine killing them all you want, but don't act on this daydream. It's not healthy or socially accepted.
But keep writing!
Sorry guys, us awesome manly-man poets don't always get the girls. Hope I'm not shattering dreams. But when you don't [kind of like what Poller Bear is doing/going through] you get to crank out some beautifully dark and depressing poetry. Yay!
As an aside...
Poller Bear, I have to agree with AngusMacDonald, the third to last line is off. Here's a recommendation that I just thought of:
Instead of this:
I would try this:
Just a suggestion. I'd have to write the whole poem out and read it out loud to really hear if the flow was entirely correct, which I did not.
Once again, hello! (I am kind of spying on my competition.) I agree with a couple of the things this AngusMacdonald fellow said. I'm just going to pretend this was mine and say what I would change. Feel free to ignore me.
The chunk you gave was great. I want this to be longer!
In my opinion, I still like Frustration better.
Bahahaha! Pollar Bear, hi!
It's amazing how you put a lot of emotion in such a short piece. I love it, as I know the feeling. XD Lol. But yeah, I agree with AngusMacdonald on everything he said in the review above... and I want to point out about the punctuation. Though, that's no biggie. You just re-read and edit. Great job! This is awesome!
Keep writing!
~Solly<3
Love it Pollar Bear, just wandering if you were drawing on personal experience? If you were, she/he needs to open their eyes and see the poet that's trying to talk to him/her! You are really an amazing poet, and I 'Envy' your writing style. You write with such intensity and passion, and I really hope you keep it up. Just a few a problems I had though, and do not take offence. I just found that third last line, the single "I" just disruptive, and stopped the flow a bit. Also just the punctuation at times needs a bit of work.
Overall, I wish you good luck in your personal romantic endeavours, and if you continue writing poetry as you are now, you'll get the girl! Poets such as ourselves always get the girls. Great writing, keep it up!