Published May 16, 2011
She laughs and giggles
at my Southern drawl---
thick from drink,
pronounced and rolling
slowly off the tongue.
She twirls her hair,
touches my arm, and
staring into my eyes,
asks where I am going.
I tell her the cliché line
every guy says:
“wherever you are going.”
We call a taxi and head
to her hotel room
a few blocks away.
Her skin, kissed by the sun,
glows in the halogen light,
leaving a pale line
encircling her finger
her fiancé will never know.
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,560 Reviews
Ooh really dark and the imagery wasn't so told that you had no room for imagination. There was plenty room for the reader to image thing and I liked it. I thought that the poem was nice and had a good touch of a dark side.
And I also sense no remorse, and I'm guessing your thinking that anyway. So bravo for that.
I like the length and the style and over all think that this poem was put together quite well.
I liked it. Especially the ending
I think you could spice this up though. Like, what if, for example, seeing as it's nighttime (I presume) and she's drunk (I presume), as you leave, you take her through a fancy lit area, something like Vegas, or maybe the building is twirling and swirling with weird lights and shapes. And what if YOU had a coupe drinks as well. Then things could get interesting - how do YOU perceive the world now?
Just a suggestion. Other than that, nice work!
After reading this again, I realized I do not like it. Short stories are more of my thing anyhow, so I now have a thousand words describing this litle piece of shit poem. Eh...I'll post it at some point, but now I must rest for a party...
HI there.
This is really fantastic. Great twist at the end. It really added a punch to the poem. The imager in the first stanza is fantastic and really sums up this character really fantastic. Also the last stanza is full of lust and portrays lot of emotions. In fact my only issue with it is the one line
"She twirls her hair"
It is a little of a cliché.
Besides that, very good.
P.S I can definitely see Hunter S Thomson’s influence on this. Please take that as a compliment.
Oooh, very dark. I love it. I think that this piece was overall descent but probably would have made a much nicer short story. It was too short of a poem for such an exciting plot. The writing style in general didn't rub me the right way, but hey, everyone's different! I definitely see potential for a short story though =]