Done
By: Nathan Patterson
Getting To Know the Characters
Background: One year ago, Daniel and his parents were in a car accident. Daniel and his father came out fine. The mother, however, was not so lucky. This has left a scar in Daniel’s life, as well as his fathers. His father is an alcoholic. He has kept a secret for a year, and another possibly longer. Now, we look into their conversation, after they come home from the grocery store.
Sober Up Dad
(Daniel and his father went to the grocery store, before going camping. They needed some supplies, if they wanted to survive the weekend. While at the store, Daniel bumps into a stack of fishing rods. Furious, his father whispers to him that he will deal him at home. Daniel kept apologizing to one of the workers that helped clean up the mess, but they just kept saying that it happens all of the time. The ride home was silent, but when they walked through the front door, the silence vanished, and the storm that was eating them both up, was brewing.)
Dad: “Why do you always have to act out in public? Can we not have a peaceful day?”
(Daniel decides it is time to finally take a stand against his father.)
Daniel: “Why do you always have to beat me? Can you just stop? I am 16.”
Dad: “I don’t beat you, I punish you. There is a difference.”
Daniel: “Not when it always ends in me bleeding. Not when you are drunk, and out of your mind. Ever since mom died…”
Dad cuts him off: “Don’t you ever mention your mother to me.”
(It is a touchy situation with Daniel’s dad, but Daniel doesn’t see it.)
Daniel: “Ever since she died, you have been leaving in the middle of the night, and not coming home until early the next morning, lashing your anger out on me. I am tired of it! I don’t act out in public. When I make one little mistake, you get mad at me.”
(Realizing He is hurting his own son, he calms down.)
Dad: “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to get mad at you all of the time. I just…”
Daniel cuts his dad off: “You have a problem. Dad, I know you are depressed. It has been a year since mom died. You’re drinking, and it needs to stop. You need to get help. I want to help you. I don’t want you to come home drunk, and beating me up every night. Because, you could end up killing me, and killing yourself.”
There is a 10 second pause of silence. (In this time, Daniels dad decides to confess to everything.)
Dad: “You are all I got. I don’t want to lose you, too, with my habit.”
(Daniel got really confused by what his father was saying. Then, he realized what his father was saying.)
Daniel: “What do you mean? Mom died in the car accident. You weren’t --- no. You didn’t. You were drunk while you were driving?!”
Dad: “It’s not what you think. She didn’t know. I had just lost my job at the dealership, we had just found out she was pregnant, and…”
(Now Daniel is infuriated.)
Daniel: “MOM WAS PREGNANT?! And you decided it was okay to drive? You drive with me in the back seat, and mom, carrying your unborn child, my soon-to-be brother or sister, in the front seat; while being drunk. You killed them! And that wasn’t enough to get you to stop?”
Dad: “You have to understand…”
(Daniel is tired of everything; the lies, the pain, forgiving his father time after time, everything.)
Daniel: “I don’t. I’m leaving. I’m going to Cas’s house for the weekend. By then, I expect you to have gotten help. Depending if that happens, maybe you will see me again, maybe you won’t.”
(Daniel loves his father, but he has been put through so much pain and anguish, he doesn’t know if he can forgive him, this time. Maybe, the only way he can be safe, is by leaving… for good.)
At Castiel’s House
(An Hour after leaving his house)
(Castiel is Daniel’s best friend. He can count on him for anything. He knows he is always welcome, but with the issues he has going on, he doesn’t know. They grew up together, they are practically brothers. They know everything about each other. You would say, they have one equal mind. If one is thinking something, the other will say it. There has been no secrets between them; at least, not until now.)
(Daniel just walks in, like it was his own home.)
Daniel: “Cas! Come here! I need to talk to you!”
Castiel: “Hey, when did you get here?”
Daniel: “Just did. I let myself in. I have something to tell you.”
Castiel: “Go ahead Dan. But the door was locked. How did you get in?”
Daniel: “Dude, I know where the spare key is. Plus your parents gave me a key a long time ago, but that isn’t what I have to talk to you about. It’s about me and my dad.”
(Getting a bit worried, Castiel starts asking questions.)
Castiel: “What’s wrong? By the way, you look like you have been hit by a train. What happened?”
Daniel: “I wish I was. Let’s go to your room. I don’t want anyone to hear me.”
Castiel: “Alright, but you need to tell me something first. Why are you here? I thought you and your dad were going camping for the weekend.”
Daniel: “Long story, and I will tell you when we get upstairs.”
Pushing for answers, Castiel keeps digging.)
Castiel: “No. You need to answer it now.”
Daniel: “Fine! My dad has been abusing me! Okay? Is that what you wanted me to say? Do you want me to get a megaphone and say it to the world?!”
(Castiel is shocked by what Daniel.)
Castiel: “Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize…”
Daniel: “Of course you wouldn’t. I never told anybody, or showed the scars and bruises he gave me.”
Castiel: “I’m sorry, man. Let’s go to my room and talk.”
Daniel: “That’s what I’ve been trying to get you to do.”
(Daniel told Castiel everything. He started from day one; the day he and his father got home from the hospital. He had talked for so long, and said so much, he didn’t realize that it was getting dark, and he had no place to stay.)
Castiel: “So, what now? Where are you going to go? You have no other living relatives.”
(Daniel knows that, but he really doesn’t know what to do, at this point. He is at his breaking point. He can no longer stay strong, for himself and others.)
Daniel (Now crying): “I have no clue. Maybe I can live on the streets. Or I can get a job, rent an apartment, and live on my own. All I know is, I can’t go back home.”
Castiel: “Stay here. You already have a key, my parents think of you as their own son, I’m sure they will let you stay.”
Daniel: “Thanks, but I don’t want to be a burden.”
(Castiel isn’t going to let him go to the streets. What kind of friend would do that?)
Castiel: “Shut up. You are not a burden. You are my best friend. We are practically brothers. What are brothers for? We are always there for each other.”
Daniel: “Okay. But I’m going to call the police on him. He needs to sober up, and think about what he put me through.”
Castiel: “Good idea. I will be behind you, every step of the way.”
Daniel: “What will your dads say?”
Castiel: “You know very well what they’ll say. “You are like our son. We will take care of you.””
Daniel: “I know. I’ll call the police. Maybe they can do something.”
(In the distance)
Daniel: “Hello, is this the Denver Dispatch? Yes, I’d like to report…”
The Next Day at Castiel’s House
(Daniel Is crying. Not full blown crying, but sobbing.)
Castiel: “Quit that! You are not supposed to be crying. You should be celebrating!
Daniel: “Celebrating what? I just turned my dad in. now, I don’t have any family. My final grandmother that was alive, died last month, parents were the only children from their family. I have nobody. I’m an orphan. An orphan that is going to be a junior in a few months. Who would adopt me?”
Castiel: “My parents. But you are thinking too far ahead. I told you yesterday, you are staying with us for the time being. Now, let’s think of something to do, to pass time.”
Daniel: “Wallow in depression.”
Castiel: “No. We need something fun. Something to get your mind off of your… the situation.”
(Like a lightbulb, it hit him.)
Castiel: “I know! Okay, so you know how I’ve been talking about hunting?”
Daniel: “Yeah.”
Castiel: “I know what we should do. We should go to the shooting range, when my parents get home.
Daniel: “I-I don’t know. I…”
Castiel: “Trust me, it will take your mind off of everything. It works for me.”
Daniel: “But I’m not you. How do I…”
Castiel: “Just trust me. Let’s go.”
At the Shooting Range
Castiel: “Do you understand it now?”
Daniel: “Yeah, I think so.”
(In the back, there are gunshots. Multiple, fast, loud shots. Daniel jumps with fear.)
Castiel: “Don’t worry, everyone is just practicing. Go on, you can do it.”
Daniel: “I don’t think I can. I’m too…”
(Just then, out of nowhere, Daniel’s father shows up. Instinctively, Daniel pulls the gun on him.)
Daniel: “How did you get out? You should be in jail.”
Dad: The money your mom left behind, comes handy when you get in a pickle.”
Daniel: “But you don’t have access to that. She left it for me, and me alone.”
Dad: “Put the gun down, son.”
Daniel: “No! Why would I, after what you did to me?”
Dad: “What I did to you?! I was drunk. I had no idea what I was doing. You can be blaming me for that.”
Daniel: “But I am. You were drunk, and you knew it. Every time. When mom died, every night after that, and right now. Dad, I know what you look like when you are drunk. I’ve seen you enough to know.”
Castiel: Dan, maybe you should put the gun down. You are a bit on the edge. You could accidently…”
Daniel: “It won’t be an accident. You know what you did. What you did to me; my mother. I think, you should leave. Leave here, and leave my life. Never come back. I don’t want to see you again. The only thing I should ever see of you, is your obituary.”
(Now lowering the gun, Daniel is done.)
Daniel: I will be back to get my things, and I will be gone. I’m done with everything. You will be paying me the money you took, and that will be it. Nothing else; I never knew you.”
Dad: You see, here’s the thing, (He pulls out a gun) I am your father. You have to listen to me. What I say, goes.”
Castiel: “Can you please…”
(He shoots Castiel, then pulls the gun towards Daniel. Then, without thought, Daniel shoots him. He doesn’t kill him, just wounds him badly. Then bends down to Castiel.)
Daniel: “Cas! Are you okay? Help! Someone get help! Hold on Cas. Hold on…”
(Daniel sobs.)
To Be Continued
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,224 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Scriptwriting is my field, i does it better because i am a professional; i spent years learning about the craft, i know a good script if i see anyone.
That was the most amazing script I enjoyed reading it for some hour. i am so engage with the concept. You seriously gave it a lot. the only problem i think you have at the beginning is "Repetition of words or sentence".
just as one of the reviewer rightly say, your story is missing one thing though: emotion. Script dialogue requires a lot, you did your best but improve on your character development.
My dear, you did a creative job - i am proud of your writing.
Permit me to do some enlightenment for you.
(Your dialogue is perfect but you use the quotation mark too much)
(Like a lightbulb, it hit him.)
Castiel: “I know! Okay, so you know how I’ve been talking about hunting?”
Daniel: “Yeah.”
Castiel: “I know what we should do. We should go to the shooting range, when my parents get home.
Daniel: “I-I don’t know. I…”
Castiel: “Trust me, it will take your mind off of everything. It works for me.”
Daniel: “But I’m not you. How do I…”
Castiel: “Just trust me. Let’s go.”
Secondly, you used the three act structure properly.
hope you know what that means, anyway, let me brief you:
The three-act structure is a model used in screenwriting that divides a fictional narrative into three parts, often called the Setup, the Confrontation and the Resolution.
Keep it up
I love your creativity
Hi there, I loved the script but I would like to make a few comments, in the kindest way possible and I hope that they'll be useful
1 - In the first act (Sober Up Dad) there are a couple of stage directions that you have written in bold letters. (To be precise, I am referring to the parts where you say Dad cuts him off; Daniel cuts his dad off; and There is a 10 second pause of silence). This throws off the excellence of the piece significantly, because these are stage directions so they are always supposed to be in brackets, italicized, and written after the colon. (I.e. Character: )
2 - In the beginning Act Two, you have included too much information on Daniel's and Castiel's history. I honestly don't think this is necessary, because stage directions do not get read by the actors, and it would be more professional to leave the information on their past to the audience's discretion. (Also because in practice, play scripts are written to be performed, not to be read)
3- I have spotted quite many grammar errors throughout the piece, but I won't outline them here, because I don't think grammar errors really matter in plays
Other than that, I gotta say WOW, I wasn't expecting this to end like that. It's really amazing, exciting and nerve-wracking! I loved the content, but as I said, the format could be tweaked a little bit. Keep up the great work, I will look forward to the second part!
Hi~! I am Duncan, and here is my review.
Now I am no expert when it comes to script writing, but here are some possible mistakes anyone will make when they attempt to write stage directions or instructions in scripts (which, by the way, was repeated by my teachers so many times when we tried writing drama scripts).
Most of the parts had reflected your characters' personalities well. Just something I find confusing: it is rather odd for Castiel to simply force Daniel into confessing considering Castiel is Daniel's best friend. Moreover, the interaction and action that could have been added during his confession could have much potential.
Stage Directions
Spoiler
1. Describing one's thoughts rather than describing actions the actor should actually do during performances.
2. Describing abstract ideas rather than concrete movements of both actors or props.
3. Describing generally the set, but not noting the number of scenes and acts, as well as not cueing the entrances and exits of actors.
Stage directions must instruct clearly what to do to actors and working members on stage. Therefore, it is necessary for these directions to be as concrete and clear as possible without unwanted materials.
For example,
It is not really helpful for the actor when he performs. The actor should be able to notice this when he practices the dialogue during rehearsals. Therefore, a better one might be,
It should be just as direct and plain like that.
I think this could be a really good solo verse for Daniel when his dad exits the stage.
Characters and Plot
Spoiler
I will definitely read part two, but just remember not to waste any opportunity you get to develop your plot and your characters!
Duncan
That was the most amazing script I have read so far. You seriously gave it a lot. Other than the repetition problem, which is not the worst problem you can have, it read really smoothly. I feel like it is missing one thing though: emotion. I understand this is a script, so putting in emotion through actions is a little bit out of the picture; but after having read this, I believe that you are more than capable of doing it.
So on to my nitpicks:
You used the word 'saying' in both and it throws of the flow a little, maybe instead say:
Other than that other tiny detail, you did really well!
Keep on Writing!
This was a great script! I'm impressed, but as Goblin70rd said, the repetition was a bit annoying. keep writing! you're doing great!
Hello I'm Goblin70rd.
First, I would like to say that the repetition of practically brothers bothers me. And when it says
"(Like a lightbulb, it hit him.)" I thnk you could have worded it better. Like "(Like a Lightbulb, an idea flipped on.)" That's all I want to critise.
I really enjoyed reading and look for to reading more. I liked how your characters were very realistic. I really have to say amazing.
Please continue writing.