Published March 31, 2006
Nov 27
I cant fall
into the pit,
of broken lies,
if you can't trust
I can't trust,
I will flee
from all of you,
you know when i fall
I will crawl,
back to the place
I trust in solitude,
I never want to return to,
House made of chains and broken blames
and I look into the flames
all I see is a shape,
like a dart that tears my broken heart
( Incomplete havent written last Stanza sorry for the confution)
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well see I dont think the layout has a name but I use it sometiems . The capital H was a mistake im fairly confused why it's like that I think it's my word auto uppercases sometimes its odd
I really liked this. Have to say, I'm not the best at critiquing poetry, as I tend to stick to prose. Funny... it used to be the other way round!
I'm also liking the rhyming that isn't in a set pattern, but is almost scattered throughout. Very clever.
As has already been said, last line needs punctuation. I would also question the use of the capital letter for 'House'. Perhaps you've put that there for effect, but if you have, it seems a little out of place.
I like the wording in this piece of work. It's so simple; there's no vocab there that you wouldn't understand, and yet it all seems so abstract. Although, of course, it may not be quite so 'abstract' when the third stanza arrives.
One last thing:: Is this in a specific layout?? I'm sure I've seen poems written in stanzas like this before, and it'd be interesting to know whether this particular layout has a name, is used a lot, etc.
Write on!!
~KayJuran~
It feels like the last stanza is missing. In fact, innerbeauty555 mentioned "the first two" stanzas, which implies there are three stanzas. Where did the third stanza go?
Also, you don't need to put a comma at the end of every line. Puncuate it like you would if there were no line breaks, but DON'T put a comma/period/ in the middle of a line. It really disrupts the flow.
There's also some places where you're missing apostrophes and you didn't capitalize all your I's.
I like this, but "heart" doesn't need to be repeated. Perhaps replace the first one with "my inner flames" or simply "the flames". Plus there's the comma thing I already mentioned. I like the first line, though.
Keep writing! :thumb:
I swear i Changed the I's to upper case ealyier
Wow. This is a good piece. I liked the words you used here.
I would recommend you capitalize your "i"'s, though. I also think you should combine the first two stanzas, since they are so short and are pretty similar. At the end of each stanza, you might want to put a period instead of a comma so it shows you are finishing the thought as well as the stanza. You don't need the ellipses at the end, and you might want to punctuate the last stanza, since you did the first two.
Overall, I really liked this. Keep up the good work.
-*-*--Diana--*-*-