Published December 15, 2007
Hell, is it like living
with one that is not
but destined to make
you cry,
My heart that yearns to be with
one who wishes nothing that of the
other my heart who aches because
of one who did nothing but bring
tears, whatever else is there here
but a dead soul and empty sneer
I knew helplessly that it would end
like this to what do I owe such an
intruder to my life and aching to my soul
my love is what I owe .......
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Some of it doesn't make sense, and that is a really big problem.
Also, punctuation is your friend!
Otherwise... I'm not sure what to say.
My interpretation: The narrator is closed up and not letting him/herself love anyone because of something that happened in the past and to make it all better again he/she needs someone to love or to let him/herself love.
I think you could've made the point a bit clearer, I'm not even sure I was right on target.
But, anyway, keep writing!
I'll be honest to you. I didn't understand what the poem was getting at. Even with reading the tilt, I didn't see how anything pieced together. :huh: But I have no idea how you should fix that. Since I don't know how you think and all. ^^;
I think that this is really good except for the format. Maybe try:
My heart who aches because of one who did nothing but bring tears,... new line
Whatever else is there here but a dead soul and empty sneer
and so on...
Otherwise I think that this is good. I like the rhythm but it would be easier to read with a different format.