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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Excellent. I love the last two lines especially, because they quickly an skillfully establish the atmosphere. The one problem I have with this is that the opening line could be better. I love it, of course, but I don't adore it. I think it could be more catchy.
Again, I love it. However, I have a problem with the second line. It is rhythm-breaking, kind of worded in a confusing way, and the words "drive out" (how about "expel?") and "darkness" (how about "twilight?") could be better.
Again, my sole annoyance lies in the second line. It is very long, which really kills the rhythm. Easily fixed, but notable nonetheless.
Very nice work. I absolutely love it. Consider an alternative word for "afraid."
Well, keep writing, by all means.
-Kafka
Admittedly, the ONLY part that bothered me, and it's rather insignificant, is how you rhyme only one line. But, quite frankly, it adds the lyrical aspect of the entire piece, which I greatly enjoyed! I'm glad you had this published at one point, that's a feat in itself! Kudos to you!
~Panda;;