Published February 28, 2011
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139,537 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
I think you should a ending.Not like a happy ending but something like hes given up on hoping for her to come.
Something to resolve the poem.I also think you should build the poem more before you end it.
Thank you, MattLangg! And yes, this poem is indeed about someone I missed at the time (someone that I still kind of miss, to tell you the truth!)
I shall give that song you mentioned a listen, sometime!
This is truly a piece of art. I captures the essence of human emotion, and how it is in our nature to blame other/ourselves for the smallest of things. I can't help but notice the underlying sadness, as if this isn't just spontaneous work, but you are writing it for someone you miss. It makes me feel what you feel, which is what any great poet tries to achieve. This reminds me of a song called, "Such Small Hands" by La Dispute. I think it would be well worth your time to listen to it.
Hi PoeticGlow,
I've come to two conclusions. The first is that you may have confused the poetry section with the nonfiction prose forums.
The second is that you actually think that this rambling string of dry and totally unsatisfying words is a poem.
Be reminded that scooping an animal's innards out and stuffing them with paper doesn't make the creature come back to life. As such, an idea cannot be given breath just by regurgitating half-baked ideas onto a piece of paper. All it does is bore the reader and make him wonder why he's reading your preachy nonsense when he could just as well go to church.
I have not detected a single image in this husk, just whining that gets louder and louder atop itself. This does not make for good reading. Figure out how to portray your themes to the reader using at first the most basic instincts of every person - the senses that have given us our distinction in this world - and use them to elevate the reader to this main abstract idea.
Better yet, scrap this and begin anew.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
Bravo! I absolutely loved this poem. It was heartfelt and sincere and beautiful. It's tragic and true.
Besides this tiny detail, this poem was flawless.
Hi. I really like the flow of this poem. It was very easy to get into and easy to relate to, as well. I like a lot of the wording and I applaud how simple, yet complex it is. I know, confusing.
I’m sorry I gave you this rose, These first two lines are really good.
And I’m sorry I turned it black.
Sorry for every lie I said; Relatable.
Wishing now I can take it back.
I’m sorry that I think of you,
Here across every night and day. This line confused me, maybe rewrite it.
Sorry for not meeting you on point;
I always did meet you halfway. I really liked these last two lines, they fit well together and flowed smoothly.
I’m sorry that there’s no other
That will ever compare to you.
Sorry that I want to fix this,
And make our faith anew. I like your vocabulary use here.
I’m sorry that I still love you,
And I’m sorry that it’s true.
I really liked this, I'll say it again. Keep writing. I see potential.
I absolutley loved this poem! It was beautifully sad and the wording was wonderful. For me, the repitition was awesome. This poem brought tears to my eyes, it was so spot on. Great job with it and PM me if you post any more love poetry because I would love to read it!
Thanks so much for your inspiring feedback!
Hey there,
WOW!! My heart has been broken,crushed, disassembled and then I tried to mend it but its just never been back to normal and in all this I never got a single 'sorry'. I thought guys incapable of uttering those words. I needed this, to rid myself of the home-made stereo-type. I am totally enamored with this poem, it is simple yet shows the magnificent power of that word once uttered. Thank you for that.
I am your latest fan.
Bravo!!
Keep on writing, keeping on bringing tears to people's eyes.
xxx Upile xxx
My favorite lines:
I’m sorry I gave you this rose,
And I’m sorry I turned it black.
Sorry for every lie I said;
Wishing now I can take it back.
I’m sorry that I think of you,
Here across every night and day.
Sorry for not meeting you on point;
I always did meet you halfway.
I’m sorry that there’s no other
That will ever compare to you.
Sorry that I want to fix this,
And make our faith anew.
I’m sorry that I still love you,
And I’m sorry that it’s true.
(Yup every single line!!)
This is great; filled with lots of emotions. I like it when people really feel what they are writing, and aren't just writing about something they can't personally relate to. Keep up the good work.
you can feel the emotion of the young lover expressing himself. it is such a beautiful story of regert, i really admire it. great job!
I really really really love this peice. I can relate to it easily. It is very well written. Write more like this.
Hello there.
Really good poem.
These lines are my favorite.
I don't think I found any grammatical error apart from the one that Optimism pointed out. The only thing that bothered me was the repetition of the I'm sorry, which was a little bit too much for me. But I understand that it has a key part in the peom.
Great job!
-Other One
Hello, this is really a cool iambic pentameter. It's a little sad, but its understandable... it's something we can all relate to.
I found one mistake though: The line "Wishing now I can take it back" should be changed to something like "Wishing now I could take it back." It flows better.
Other than that, I think it looks good. keep writing