Here's a poem that's purely from my heart...
This is about my most recent ex-girlfriend...who has given her heart to someone else.
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Fading Away
I've been running
Running for so long…
But getting nowhere,
Because I don’t know where I belong…
And yet
In the distance,
I can still see you:
Smiling radiantly,
Standing so tall…
My God,
How the sight of you makes me feel so small.
You’re everything to me,
But now I finally see
You’re fading away.
2008 Vincent Cuccolo
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Thanks for the feedback. I realize what you say when you pointed out that I should remove my explaination, but regardless, I'm going to leave it as it is. Who knows? Prehaps someone on this site might get confused with my piece, so it'll help if I leave it.
Other than that, thanks for much for your kind words on my poem!
-PG
First of all, take out the explanation. If you have to explain to your reader what the poem/story/essay/whatever it may be that you are writing is about for them to understand it, then it's really not a very good piece.
(I just realized that sounded a little harsh, but it's true.)
I've been running
Running for so long…
But getting nowhere,
Because I don’t know where I belong…
I like this, but maybe the last line can be shortened.
And yet
In the distance,
I can still see you:
Smiling radiantly,
Standing so tall…
My God,
How the sight of you makes me feel so small.
If this is supposed to be the same form as the first stanza, it feels a bit off. There's definitely the wrong amount of syllables there. Great imagery and feeling though. Love it.
You’re everything to me,
But now I finally see
You’re fading away.
great ending, not great technicality. Try rephrasing it so it matches the uniform you laid out in the first two stanzas.
Overall, great poem. It conveys your emotion perfectly. Technicalities are all that's missing, and then it looks really good.
Great work, keep writing!!
-KK
Hey thanks for the feedback, BFG!
I still consider this poem a draft, so I'll be sure to take your suggestions into thought!
-PG
Ok. So the idea you're starting with is good in the sense that it's probably something you feel strongly about, but also challenging because it's something lots of people have done before. Steering clear of cliches is one of the most difficult things in writing, I find, but easily fixed with subsequent drafts. I think you have a whole slew of cliches here, beginning with the title. If the words come easily, rolling right off the tongue, stop and ask yourself if you've heard them before. "Fading away?" A nice image, but definitely been said in those exact words before. "You're everything to me"? Also a cliche.
My second piece of advice is to elaborate. My favorite stanza is this one:
but I want more out of it. Give me more about how it makes you feel. I want to know how you feel as thin and flappable and wavering as a piece of tissue paper when this girl is around. I want to know how your stomach felt like sand was rushing through it and pooling in your shoes, sighing as it went. Give me more.
It's a good start, and with a few more drafts I can see this turning out gorgeous. Keep working on it, it's got potential. Hope my suggestions helped!
-BFG