Ever Since

Hey PG

The first thing that I noticed about this is that your structure is very random. You change the position of your rhyming lines, and the lengths of your lines are very erratic.

You have some consistency having the four lines, then two, then four, then two, and so on. However, having those irregularly long, or short, lines, particularly in the two-line stanzas, wreaks havoc on your rhythm.

Pick a form, a rhythm, a rhyme scheme, and stick with it throughout the poem, instead of letting it rattle around all over the place.


The theme of the poem is certainly well thought out. It's very true to life, which I can see is because it's a real experience for you. There are aspects, though, that could be relayed with more imagery. When you are talking about the way the narrator feels, for instance “I’ve wondered how I could live with myself”, that’s very straightforward, as is most of the poem. Consider adding a more detailed description of their feelings, including comparisons, metaphors, etc.
In fact, considering that the majority of this piece merely tells us the facts, I personally would be tempted to create one big metaphor to be used throughout the entire poem.

As it is now, there are some slight references to a could-be-but-isn’t picture that could be expanded. For instance, the lines “Because the pain’s so real, so vast.” That has so much potential left untapped. As vast as what? Or vast compared with what? “Because the pain’s so real, so vast / Vast as a whale in cold arctic seas.” That’s not a very good metaphor, but you see what I’m saying.

And I walk now,
With fake smiles on my face,
Disappearing without a trace,

Only to see the pale complexion,

Of a monster,

My fear,

Knowing that everyday,

It’ll be here.

Hi Poetic Glow,

I must say that I enjoyed reading this very much. It sad, but not in a too heavy way.

Coping with emotions through poetry is always good, you can canalize whatever it is you're feeling at the moment and share it with other people. In Germany they say: "Shared joy is doubled joy and shared grief is half grief."

I do have one or two suggestions/ things you may want to rethink:

1) Punctuation: Just by looking at your poem I noticed you have rather many commas and only two full stops. The full stops are very effective and the commas are grammatically correct and all, but I find them rather annoying for the simple reason that almost after every single line there's a comma. I'd just ask you to look at that again and see whether the punctuation is really doing what you want. Maybe you could let someone who hasn't seen it before read it or something like that. Might just be me though.

2)

And I walk now,
With fake smiles on my face,
Disappearing without a trace,

Of a monster,

My fear,

Knowing that everyday,

It’ll be here.

helenelizabethclarke- Your feedback to my poem was brilliant. I couldn't agree more when you say that real-life situations are the best things you can right about. That's my mission: To write poetic chapters of my life, based on my perspective of things. I truly believe that everyone who holds writing close to their hearts should always tap into their real-life situations, because beautiful things can manifest from them.

And it warms my heart to know that I'm an inspiration to you. I will truly keep your words close.

Thank you,

-PG

I see you're fairly new to YWS, welcome, if you have any questions or anything, feel free to PM me. I may not be a literary genious, but i am pretty friendly and supportive

this poem really moved me, the topic mainly but also the way that the words are just bursting with emotion. I always find that the best poems are honest and truthful, and i assume that this poem is of your real-life?

I recently lost enthusiasm for writing poetry, and thought to myself who am i writing it for? myself, my audience- well, actually... who even is my audience? i thought like that for quite along time, mainly because i tried too hard to write poetry. I wrote stories in my poems, always inventing a character to write about but just recently i wrote for myself about real-life things and it's been the best stuff i've ever written, and i think that's because it's all true.

This is what i adored about yours so much, it's as if the words have just fallen out of your mind & memories onto the page into words and that's what makes it so real, so believable and so fantastic.

you're an inspiration.




H.C
x

Gahks- I never really thought of it that way! I really like your suggestions! I'll be sure to keep that in mind for future poems! Thank you.

Hassan- To answer your question to why I'm not "sorry" is simply because I'm not, well in a sense. What I'm trying to say that if my death wish to my Father really came true, than his suffering ended, which I wouldn't be sorry for because he's in a better place. But, at the same time, I feel guilty and responsible for his death. In other words, I'm in between when I say I'm not "sorry."

Well indeed this piece of work has a lot of feelings in it. I like your style of writing and considering the fact that it actually rhymes its amazing. Although i have some confusion, I dont get the part when you say that you aren't really sorry. I mean this poem says otherwise.

Hi there,

For a relatively new writer, the confidence with which you put your feelings on the page is admirable. The few words you use encapsulate express so much, which can be both a good and a bad thing. Because emotion is abstract, I often like to link it to something tangible, something I can taste, smell, feel. In other words, the outside becomes a physical manifestation of the inside. In your case, perhaps you could compare your grief to the air, as a very simple example:

"Without you to guide me,
only the empty winter air guides
a cold silence from within."

In fact, you could even turn this idea of "outside = inside" into an extended metaphor and perhaps use it as the basis of a new poem!

Good luck! Well done!

Gahks



7/10

That was great, it was full of depth and feeling. You really put your thoughts into words well.
Keep writing man

Thanks

Stuff like this is where I can pour all my heart into.

This is pretty solid for the intended purpose. Really I can't find anything more to say about it, aside from a very well written piece with a lot of thought put into it.

Thanks for commenting.

To answer your question, what I'm "fearing" is myself. To explain, I blame myself for my Dad's death. You see, he was an alcoholic, and he was suffering so much, and on the night of his death, I wished him away in order to end his suffering. And when I got the news of his passing, it hit me like a bullet to the heart...

Therefore, in ''Ever Since", I portray myself as this "monster", and the very fact that I have to life with myself from what I've done is what I fear.

-PG

Wow, that was so sad.

You are very good at this. It made me feel the pain you were going through. Congrats!

2008 Vincent Cuccolo

Wow, that was so sad.

You are very good at this. It made me feel the pain you were going through. congrats!

2008 Vincent Cuccolo

I don't know anyone else hasn't commented on this, so I will=]

it was good....really good...so I guess that answers my question

keep it up=]
~guitargrl~