Hello.

Well well well I myself tried the dark writing but then I scared myself off
Firstly, It was excellent you did not end it on dream, that really pisses me off, Endings mean everything because many people just skim through a short story or an actual reader remembers the last para or the last line specifically

I guess you put the Sun and Apollo and all the metaphors thoughtfully, Thumbs up!

Great job, the above reader has already given you good suggestions. I can only say try and don't care. You'll eventually be the best

Love
P.s. replace 'pop' with some like spooky word. Or even something dead serious. Your choice,still =)

I actually really enjoyed reading this! I didn't realize until afterward that it was a contest entry, and had specific reasons for choosing things. I guess it's kinf od like abstract art. You take what you will from it. ANyway this piece had a very surreal quality that i really liked.

I do have some critics though. First of all, while a chariot of the son as good archtypal significance, Apollo's chariot has a bunch of specific connotations that do not work for this piece. You might want to think about making that more generic.
Also, a couple lines bothered me.

it struck in us a fear

She seemed a majestic figure, but not one capable of stealing Apollo’s Chariot, and riding the arch of the sky as she did.