Up on the hill
A small little tree
And a tiny little pond
I climbed up the hill
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The grass snapped
Under my feet
The dew dropped off
In to the ground
Deep deep in the earth
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Up on the hill
A small little tree
And a tiny little pond
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I climb up the hill
I almost reach the top
Until I see a bird
It was so small
So fast
Almost as if
It had no wings
The bird was fuchsia
With a bright green head
It flew
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In the small little tree
And over the
Tiny little pond
The bird flew
In its house
A small little box
Made out of
Wood
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Up on the hill
A small little tree
And a tiny little pond
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By Poem Perfectionator
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,044 Reviews
Hi there, just a quick review on your poem!
I love the imagery you gave in your poem. It's like a fantasy poem (childish) with a beautiful reality. It's amazing when you use figurative language to deepen the meaning of the poem.
Good start. Four lines is enough to give an impression on the setting(background) in your poem. Easily stated, but still able to show its strength.
Very nice personification. I liked it.
Here it began to look like the imagination that is created to make room for the reader to explore the meaning behind it. The bird( with no wings (Though it's a bird) but can fly. The possibilities are big. It seems ridiculous, but actually to be taken from different angles.
There are a lot of repetition in the poem that I think can make a difference in the poem. But it feels like a lack of something. The subject of the poem still seems blurry. I think it should be added a little hint about what is to be delivered. Rather than simply creating a beautiful imagination. Keep it up!
Kudos, cheers.
This is a very simple poem with a good use of imagery:
'The bird flew
In its house
A small little box'
I can imagine the actions of the poem as I read, this is a really clever piece.
Well done.
Keep writing.
Wow! This was a very interesting poem, and I enjoyed every bit of it.
First your choice of words and grammar were excellent.
I love how you describe to the reader exactly what was happening,in order for us to have a clear picture in our heads,which make it much more easier to read and understand exactly what the poem says. The story and concept behind the poem is different and original,and well as filled with detail and flavor. Keep writing. I thank you for sharing.
Hello and welcome to the yws! I hope you enjoy it and your off to a great start. Sounds like you really enjoy writing poems and that much is evident by you post, I hope to read more of your work as you progress in your writing capacity.
To begin, I don't want to shock you or nothing, but signing up on this site means you need to expect some critism. It's not a bad thing, in fact I truely believe it helps, so without further deley, here is my review...
i don't think grass can snap literally or figuratively. You may want to look for another word.
Top make this much less wordy you could sat "dropped into".
I don't mean to be rude, but using words like small, little, tiny is pretty much grade 2 level. Be more free with your diction choices!
Th word little is used twice in the same stanza. This isn't always a bad thing, some poets learn to use this very effectively, but like I said before, you could always use different words to expand your vocabulary.
"so" and "small" are very undescriptive words and I really think you have the capacity to do better.
There we go! Fuchia is much more descriptive and it really creates a bit more imagery. However, the way you put it in the sentence sounds forced. I had an Enligh teacher once who told me never to use the word "was"... For about 3 years I hardly ever used the word was. I do now, but only because I learned how to use it. It becomes a very hard task to avoid this word and often times you have to rewrite your entire sentence (and sometimes the sentences before and after) but it's worth it. It teaches you to expand your vocabulary and be more descriptive.
I'm not overly fond of the way you stated this. It is clear to me of what you meant to say, but the way you've worded it, it sounds like the bird is using its head to fly...
I found this part rather choppy...wouldn't it have been easier to say "A wooden box"?
Also, where is your pattern of syllybles (sorry, don't have spell check and I'm too lazy to look up how this word is spelt...hopefully I got it right) or rhyme scheme. This poem didn't flow very well.
And one last thing...what was the meaning behind the poem. I might just be too dense to pick it up, but the best poems have a hidden meaning.
Well. The best of luck to you and I hope you have a great Christmas.