It's not 100% editted but i hope you like it
Chapter 1: the begginings
On the planet marcadus, there rages a never ending battle intertwined with the earth, our earth. The outcome of the war will determine the future of the earth but until it is finished, the earth will remain in a perfect balance of good and evil.
Josh turned the page to discover that the rest was blank. He was not very disappointed since the story was not very intriguing. Although he found it odd that this old and tattered book would be found in the library, he found it strange that it had no serial number for check out either. He thought no more on the matter of the strange book and instead, he concentrated on his essay.
At 15, he was 5’ 9” with short blond hair, which had just been cut. He was skinny and tanned since summer break had ended a week ago. His nose, long and rigid with a wide mouth. Small ears and had a slight acne problem like most kids his age. His muscular build was about all that defined his fat-lacking build. The only peculiar thing about him was his eyes, which had been inexplicably black since birth. Today he wore a blue t-shirt, brown cargo pants and no hat.
Josh was just finishing his essay and closed “The History Religion” as he finished his last word. He looked at his watch and finding the time to be late, stood and grabbed the books he had planned to check out. He debated over the tattered book for a while and decided that he would prefer to have it than not and approached the librarian.
He stood watching the check out process and waited to be asked about the old book but strangely, was not and so he shrugged his shoulders and left.
It was a cold day today, especially for September but Josh wore no extra clothing since he never got cold until others wore heavy jackets, at which point all he would wear was a light jacket.
That night he again opened the book and a shiver ran up his spine. This is the best way to describe the physical sensation of a soul regaining conciousness within another’s. He felt another conscious brush his. The unknown soul had the feeling of power but of fatigue and only barely conscious.
“I am the lord of darkness. You are one unlucky being for now you will be plunged into a battle you know naught of.”
This frightened Josh to have another being within his own and figured he must have dosed off when he got into bed and opened the book. He thought it over for a moment and realized that no dreams are ever this vivid unless he had a mental problem which he doubted. He decided to try and communicate with the “Lord of Darkness” or whatever this pompous lunatic believed he was.
Josh’s attempts were unsuccessful though since he couldn’t even locate his own soul within his body in the first place so he went to sleep instead, spooked and knowing whatever had just happened, there would be a signifigance to it. Why else would a soul take residence in a random average 15 year-old?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
There is nothing really to add to the other critiques. YOu should consider reading more books of the fantasy genre and reading and reviewing some stuff here. Then start to write some stuff, let your ideas swirl.
http://hollylisle.com is a great resource of articles for beginners and masters alike.
Writing tips also has some great content.
Hey, it wasn't that bad, lol. -But that's the attitude, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!
-elein
Ok, sounds good. This story has potential. Please stick to the balance of good and evil thing becuase, though the balance isn't perfect, it is important. Don't listen to the people who say it's important to get rid of all evil because, not only is this impossible, it's stupid. Without evil there is no good and vice versa. I have one comment: DON'T YOU DARE MAKE THE LORD OF DARKNESS EVIL. If darkness is not fully evil and light is not fully good. I just hate it how people automatically assume the darkness is evil and light is good. It's not right.
alright well it was okay.
First of You kind of had a info dump about joshes apearance spread the information out a little we don't need an entire description in one paragragh.
Second, the intro really is somewhat hard to understand, put the book in quotes maybe. honestly i don't like the whole book idea but its your story go for it
thridly, I nkow you've heard thes like fifty times but your end does sound very rushed. I have a felling you could have done a better job.
This story sounds like it has a lot of potential. As soon as you fix it up or post a new chapter to it, let me know
I believe it's pretty good. Your begining was good, but it looks like you rushed through the ending. Out of knowwere a Lord of Darkness appears and he has no questions about what happened. He just believes it. You might want to change that.
Everything else has been said, really. Merry Christmas; hope to see you back with another piece soon.
yeah o.k. bad first attempt but i'll try again!
Welcome to YWS! Glad to have you here.
I'm going to warn you straight off the bat that my OCD turns me into a Grammar and Spelling Nazi. Sincerest apologies.
Black = Comments/corrections
Blue= suggestions
Might want to correct "beginnings." Also, since the name of your planet is a proper noun, it should be capatalised, as in "Planet Marcadus." Kill the comma after it, too. Hyphenate never-ending and place a semicolon after "the earth" the first two times it occurs. Also, because this is an excerpt from a story Josh is reading, put it in quotations, otherwise the reader will be confused as to why it suddenly goes from Planet Marcadus to Josh.
Comma after "dixappointed."
The last sentence seems awkward. I suggest something along the lines of "The strange book slipped from his mind as he concentrated on his essay." Remember, you don't have to take my suggestions.
Info dump. It's better to work in character description with your story. This random descriptive paragraph seems out of place.
I believe you mean the book's title to be "The History of Religion," but I'm not the writer so I may be wrong. I recommend you reword your first sentence as well, to something along the lines of "Josh closed his book, "Book title" as he wrote the last word of his essay."
Um... what the heck just happened? This paragraph needs some serious work. Who's doing the asking? Why? etc. etc.
Can you say, run-on sentence? "It was a cold day, especially for September. However [or but], Josh wore no extra clothing because he never got cold. The only time he did wear a jacket was when others were wearing thick, heavy jackets." or something like that.
Delete the second sentence, and add "was" after the "and" in the third sentence.
Lord of Darkness should be capitalised. Add a comma after "being."
Put a comma after "Josh." Dozed is spelt with a Z. The first sentence is a run-on. I suggest you put a period after "his own" and change "and" to "He." The second sentence is also a run-on. Add some commas after "vivid" and "problem." Here's a good way to remember how to spell believed, while I'm at it: The best part of "believe" is the "lie."
Once again, a run-on. "Josh's attempts were unsuccessful. He couldn't even locate his own soul in the first place so looking for another was fruitless. He chose sleep instead, knowing whatever had just happened had signifigance to it."
I like your ideas, I'd like to read more. Work on your run-on sentences, and remember, my suggestions are only suggestions, and if you don't like them, feel free not to take them. You're the writer, you're in control.
Hope I helped some.
-St. Razorblade
Iam overjoyed that his is not part of your true stroy cause it was indeed dull. I barely made it to the next paragraph. It needs to stand out so readers understand that it's something being read.
In the red it needs a comma between the two words and the blue is repetitive and in the same sentence. It bothers me. I would take out the second he found it strange and replace it with and. Alos you could dispose of the green and and place a period after book and start eh next sentence with instead. It will work just the same.
This is so cute. You totally remind me of me. I wrote this same descriptive paragraph when i first started writting. And the eys thing too. This si a total info-dump. And i must ask why you ytold us he wore no hat. Simply not stating it would imply that he was not wearing a hat. This infor mation can be revealed slowly throught the chapter and this will allow you to show us instead of tell us.
You dont need to tell us that it was strange. The book in general is odd in some way. This is just uneeded detail and slows the story and bores the reader.
This can be fleshed out quite a bit. The encounter with The Lord of Darkness can be much more suspenseful.
You really remind me of me. I know you have a whole story planned out in your mind. That is great. It's the first step. Now you have to grow as a writer. One Author in particular gave me some great ideas when i was writing. Robert Jordan. He tends to describe things to death but he manages to lay a good foundation with out boring you.
Now i dont know how long you've been writing but little by little you will get better and better. Make sure you continue to write. The most important thing is to get the story down. Once you do, revising it will be easy.
Make sure and read other peoples stories. Many of these folks have some pretty good techniques and don't be afraid to ask for help. I see great things in this. Go for it!
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I suppose you have a good beginning to a story here, but the way it was written leaves a lot to be desired. Some of the descriptions - actions, people etc. - are clumsy and don't fit with the story well, or sometimes even sound coherent. I have nothing else to do, so here goes the fullest critique I've given out in months.
On the planet marcadus
Capital letter for a planet name
the earth will remain in a perfect balance of good and evil
I don't think the word 'perfect' fits here. It gives a feeling of indifference to the outcome of the war. Like there is nothing wrong with the war raging at all. Try a stronger word that makes the reader see what is at stake and how important it is to be rid of evil entirely.
At 15, he was 5’ 9” with short blond hair, which had just been cut. He was skinny and tanned since summer break had ended a week ago. His nose, long and rigid with a wide mouth. Small ears and had a slight acne problem like most kids his age. His muscular build was about all that defined his fat-lacking build. The only peculiar thing about him was his eyes, which had been inexplicably black since birth. Today he wore a blue t-shirt, brown cargo pants and no hat.
Description for the sake of description is not necessary. It's ok if you leave the description of Josh for a while, instead of hitting the reader over the head with it right at the beginning. Aside from that, it was bland and uninteresting. Try to make it a little more subtle. Like, instead of saying straight out that he had short blonde hair because he had just had it cut, try something like:
Exhausted by his essay, Josh looked up to the cieling of the library and ran a hand through his hair. It was a good length now, after being cut; nice and short. Exactly the way he liked it.
The point is, try to make your descriptions less arduous and weave them into the story like they are actually important to it.
He stood watching the check out process and waited to be asked about the old book but strangely, was not and so he shrugged his shoulders and left.
Something needs to be done with this sentence. It reads awkwardly, mainly because of the oddly placed comma. Try this:
He stood watching the checkout process and awaited the inevitable question from the librarian about the old book. Strangely, she didn't say anything, so he shrugged his shoulders and left.
Or something like that.
I can't pinpoint what is wrong with the last paragraph, but I'm pretty sure it suffers the same problems as the other instances I've pointed out. Just try to clean it up a bit. Read it to yourself and see where things don't sound right.
Anyway, this is a promising beginning for a story. I liked the opening; it grabs the reader's attention well. I look forward to reading some more of this work.
Keep it up.