Young Writers Society

Wow! This was very touching! I could feel the thought put into it. Each word was essential to the story. This is going to help many people!

I've been looking through all of your poems up till now, and I saw this one, and... wow. The way you mix your words, entwine them into this, makes me feel like I'm lost in the fog too. Especially in the last seven lines or so. I've felt like this before, and I can say that this is how it can feel. Like fog is just blanketing you, dulling you. And you don't fight it. You just stay in it, sitting in it, because maybe this is how you're supposed to feel.

The simile of comparing tears without sobs as lightning without thunder is striking. This whole poem is, in my opinion, striking. I felt things here. This is something real and you describe it so, so well.

Hey there!

This is a poem full of emotion, and you can feel the heaviness the speaker feels. I really enjoyed reading it! I agree with Tenyo, I liked the way you used time in the piece. There's really not much to say about such a lovely piece; I only have a few suggestions.

I think your poem could benefit from stanzas. Stanzas do make poems easier to read and sometimes less intimidating. Personally, I think stanzas would help your poem, but this is just my preference, and you don't have to listen!

Another thing I would like to mention is imagery. I love the metaphor of the fog, but I think adding colourful imagery could seriously elevate this piece. Right now, you use pretty simple language. Adding imagery, I think, would make this better. But if you don't want this poem to be full of imagery, you could just sprinkle adjectives in places. For example, you could say "The empty melody echoing" so the reader can engage in the piece more.

The last thing I'd like to mention is line length. You usually have short lines, but randomly, you have long lines. Personally, I think keeping line length consistent would make this even better.

Of course, these are all just suggestions, so you don't have to take them. Overall, this is such a lovely poem. And if you ever feel this way and have no one to talk to, I'd love to listen <3

Hello, this is a very beautiful, intricate poem. I like how the narrator wants to express himself, thinking it is just a dash of sadness that he should laught at but them the frog appears and things get confusing. I don't know if the frog is some sort of negativity in the person's mind that just wants to worry the narrator to the point of exhaustion or if it is an actual toxic person infiltrating the narrator's soul who wants the narrator to only feel safe and happy when he is with him, so he can withold that happiness and mock him for showing "weakness". there is a sort of power dynamic in this poem, the frog seems to hold all the cards and acts like a manipulator, making the narrator believe he will only find happiness if the frog is present. It's sort of like a mind trick. I like how you say

"I thought the fog was all I needed.

I couldn't find my way;

It blinded me,

Captured me,

Mocked me.

So I remained

Listening to the same song

Melody echoing,

Never changing"

It shwos that the narrator is suffering deep inside and it compliments your artistic skills because you make me believe the narrator and empathise with him or her. I like how you said

"My soul had a rock on top of it.

No, not a rock-

Fog.

Heavy fog"

Hey Silverquill12!

This is a really emotive piece. It feels like you've taken a very true feeling and poured it onto the page.

What I really like is the way you've created that sense of time and unendingness. The 'nothing has / is / will be' alright makes it feel like it's stretched out for so long, even though it was a feeling that existed yesterday. It's good! The lines 'It blinded me, captured me, mocked me' create a very monotonous rhythm that enhances the whole thing.

Those last lines round it off brilliantly. In the beginning it seems like the rock is some outside pressure, but by the end it seems to have seemed directly into the narrators mind, and that final 'The fog says it / And I listen' feels like that final moment of defeat. It's a great way to finish.

If you were to go forward with this, it could do with much more imagery. You've created a really strong sense of of weight with the fog, and I think if you could incorporate other images and sensory aspects into it then you could make it a lot more vivid.

Nice work!

Hii silverquill12! This is Scribbler dropping in for a quick review.
I truly did enjoy this poem. I can relate with it so easily. I’ve been through such times, where I felt blue and broken for no reason. It would be mild but depressing nonetheless. And you just nailed it by comparing it with the heavy fog.
My favorite part is
“Tears would fall, with no sobs
Like lightning without thunder”
It was so good. That phrase “lighting without thunder” was so great too. I can very easily associate myself with it. A long time ago, I was a cry baby myself, wasting tears over things that are worthless or trivial. During such times, tears would flood up and gush out, like breaking out of a dam. And that’s how I know the difference between feeling depressed over something and feeling depressed for nothing. Feeling depressed for nothing is really perplexing (for the lack of better word). I don’t usually feel like crying out loud during that time. It’s gentle, but depressing at the same time. That simile just caught it so well.
I also liked the part
"Everything is fine" because I thought it was
I knew it was
It is another place where I could see myself.
But the lines
"You are too late."
"You are too early."
I didn’t get what you are saying. I can understand that you are too late part, but that other half didn’t make much sense and also kind of skewed my understanding of that first part too. So, a bit more explanation on those lines would make it better.
Overall, I really did like this piece very much. Keep writing! Hoping to read more of your works.

**My Thoughts**

Wow, this is depressing. I'm probably more of a pessimistic myself, but woo! This was pretty dang sad. Anyways, hello @silverquill12, my name's Lucy and I am here to review your poem! Although it was depressing, I really liked it!

**Spelling, Grammar, Capitalization, Punctuation, etc**

I know this part is boring, so I'll try to make it quick! Spelling was perfect, same with capitalization and grammar! I do have something to say about your punctuation though.

You hardly used it, besides in the quotations and last three lines. Which is fine, but it sort of implies that the whole poem was one sentence, which it obviously wasn't. You can fix this easily by adding a few commas and periods. Again, you don't have to have punctuation, but because you used in some spots, you may want to use it all throughout the poem!

**Confusing Parts**

So, I understood what you were trying to say, but I don't think you did it well, sorry. I'm going to quote the three most confusing lines.

Tears would fall, with no sobs

"You are too early."

"You are too late"

Hi silverquill!
I'm Shadeflame, although you can call me Shade. I'm going to review your poem today.

This poem really spoke to me. I went through a time recently when I felt like that. Especially since we are in quarantine now, I think that many people have the fog on their souls. It just seems like it will never end.
I didn't see any problems with your poem and it flowed smoothly.
In all, this was a great piece of writing!

Keep writing!
-Shade