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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

My Story... P.2

by PlainandSimple


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

My father was pissed all the time. He used to go insane. One time I remember he smacked me because I asked him for milk. He was 100% not in the right mind at that time. He got better when my mom came back from rehab. I remember the day she came back. She was happy. That was the first time I had ever seen her that way. Everyone was better for a while.

Nothing much happened for a while after that. I mean that guy (his name was Andrew) came around often when my dad wasn't around. That wasn't a big deal until my dad found out. He found out when I was about 10. So I vividly remember what happened. My dad left for a meeting. He was going to be out for a few hours or so. My mother hugged him on the way out and watched him leave. The second he was out of sight, she called her boyfriend (?) to come over. He came over about 20 minutes after she called. At this point, my mother didn't seem to care that I knew about her cheating.

About 30 to 40 minutes into them fucking around, my dad came home. My mom and Andrew must have heard the garage door open because I heard rustling around from my parent's room. They weren't quick enough apparently because my dad walked in right when Andrew walked out. My dad weirdly didn't notice him and started to talk about why he was home early. In the middle of the sentence, my dad finally saw him. My father looked him up and down, then just stared into his eyes for a few seconds. The house was so quiet I could hear everyone breathing. Finally, my mom came out of their room. She said some bullshit excuse that I don't remember. In the middle of my mom speaking, everything started to slow down for me. My dad looked at me, and I nodded. It's like he could read my mind that she was lying.

My dad walked up to Andrew, and he started yelling through his teeth. He told him to get out or else. Andrew stood his ground by not saying a word back. My dad hit him directly in the nose, making Andrew fall to the floor. Andrew tried to get up, but my dad kept hitting him and kicking him. Andrew's blood was splattered all around, and at that point, I looked away. I started to scream cry into my hands. I was terrified.

*Authors note - So just like p.1, this piece is not fully edited. So I will be fixing anything wrong. So please fill free to give me constructive criticism! Any review is highly appreciated! Thanks for reading*


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16 Reviews


Points: 21
Reviews: 16

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Sun Apr 05, 2020 1:15 am
koinoyokan wrote a review...



Ok, so that was heavy. I have a lot of thoughts and emotions going through my head right now so I'm not really sure how to start. I know you want some feedback on editing so I guess I'll start there. You have this labeled as a novel but since your writing about your personal life and experiences, this is giving me a more autobiographical feel. I think it is important to have a clear idea about what you are looking to do with this as it could go so many places. If you want to turn it more novelish (don't think that's a word but whatever) go heavier on the narrative. You write about the points that stand out to you in your memory which is good those are points that should be focused on because they made an impact on you as a person. Like the milk in the beginning. You mention it but don't really go into detail. These are decisions I think you have to make when writing about your real-life how much do you want to go into detail. How much self-reflection do you want to write about explaining how you felt, and what you were thinking about when this happened.

Your style is something I can get behind I like that you seem to write for yourself, not to anyone else. You don't give the writer the satisfaction of a simple pretty bow conclusion. It's real and raw and unedited and I liked that for this kind of writing. This was especially clear at the end which left me winded. I want it to be beefier that's what I mean by what I said above if feels like short snapshots and I want to see the whole film.

But this is all just the ramblings of someone vastly out of their field so take what I say with a grain of salt. I hope to see more work from you.






Yeah, I put it as a novel because I wasn't sure what else would fit with something of this sort. So it's not really a novel. I understand that you want me to go deeper into certain things, which would make sense. However, I don't want little things to take away the main thing. Each part has little details to kind of explain why the big thing happens. I don't know if that makes sense.

But thank you so much for the review :)



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44 Reviews


Points: 5435
Reviews: 44

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Wed Feb 26, 2020 4:41 am
AndName wrote a review...



Hi!


*Gives ten year old you hug* This terrible. You seem like a great person (a million times better than some) *Coughs pointedly*

As for a coldhearted reviewer (kidding) I will look at this with out emotion (still kidding) and rein in my sea of injustice speech threatening to spill over all over the place and potentially offend. You're free to correct that terribly structured sentence without my protest.

This was a roller coaster just like part one. I was thinking violent thoughts then every thing seemed to get better. For a while. I was like NOOOOO. Why world. *Gives another hug*

You could combine some of these sentences so it reads smoother, but I like some of the short, choppy sentences. They fit nicely with the short, jagged way you deliver your story. I love how you don't gloss over the details to make it more 'literary' or whatever. And your dad came home when he Andrew dude was there and no! You put how he didn't seem to notice him at first and I was like, he knows about this? And then he flips out.

Honestly, I'd be hiding under the covers or under a bed or under a house. How you nodded in confirmation to your dad made me start thinking. It seems like either way, if you told him or not, he would've come to the same conclusion and probably the same action. I'm really sad you had to see that though. *Squeezes ten year old PandS until she probably gasps for air*

I think this is very well written and I felt all of this which is exactly what you should go for as a writer and have achieved!

I was thinking about all my favorite authors and some of the stories I've read on YWS the other day as a type of writing. Like Maggie Steifvater would be either in fireflies against a twilight purple sky or purple neon lights on a red brick wall.
Yes. I think about weird things.

Anyway, I thought of your writing because it's very distinctive. At the time I thought it would be on a old fashioned black board with a bold chalk or Sharpie, but now I sort of feel like it's more a scrawling black pen (inky and blocky) on a worn out notebook.

You said any type of review was welcome. You were asking for it :)


AndName






Thank you for the review! I really appreciate that you put so much thought into these reviews. I mean things were rough, but I mean all the bad molded me to where I am now. I bet without all the crap in my life I would be so much different and may be entitled. I really love the kind words and it makes me want to write more :). I will fix up the short sentences but keep some because you said you liked it.

I really like how you described writing on how and what it's written on. I've never thought about writings like that. Also thanks for all the hugs :). I probably needed them then.

And this is exactly the type of review I want because it helps me out, and it's fun to read. Once again thank you so much for the review! It means the world <3



AndName says...


I think of writing in all sorts of weird ways, lol. I have the same view of my life, how it's shaped me. The good and the bad. I probably wouldn't be (crazy enough to be) a writer if I were born in any other circumstance. And I really like writing so I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm so glad my review was actually useful to you!





That's super cool. Yeah I would have to agree




The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
— Groucho Marx