i'm not sure where this will go...
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one day. That was all it took. One day to ruin everything I had ever worked for. i'd spent a century trying to get to this point, and then he went to The Covenant. He went to The Covenant!
not that it matters now. I'll be dead in three days. He told them... he told them everything. I'm no longer safe where I am, but there's no time--and no place--to run!
If he were here.... if he hadn't gone, we'd still be together. I'd be able to look at his godly face, into his gorgeous blue-gray eyes... I'd be able to curl up against him, with his strong arms around me.
But he isn't here. He left.
He's gone.
Tristan
(A/N) well? how do you like it? the characters tie into one of my other stories (sadly, not on YWS.), so it's exciting to see where this will go. Leave a comment!
Pixielit
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I suppose I should have specified--this is only the preface. And I'm sorry about the proofreading, I was in a hurry and I had a limited time.
Anyway, everything will be explained soon.
Sorry!
Pixielit
I agree with Night Mistress. It did catch my attention, however, I'm not happy with where the story is going. Even for just a "preview", I feel as though more information really needs to begiven.
Draw your reader in, you know?
Hey Pixielit, and welcome to YWS! I'm Stella, and I'll be your critiquer today.
Right so.
I. NITPICKS
One day. Don't be careless.
Again, "I'd spent." Just watch out.
Sometimes, less is more. Try: "he went to The Covenant. The Covenant.
"Not."
Full stop.
Okay.
II. PROOFREADING
There's nothing wrong with your writing in general, but for mercy's sake (I've started saying that...) proofread! It doesn't take long, and it's very useful. Pick up all those capital letters you've forgotten, punctuation etc. Especially on YWS it will make people like your writing more.
III. LENGTH
I can't feel for this character because there's not enough of her. It's a very short piece, and while that's fine, you drop a big ominous "Covenant" in there, something that requires explaining. While I'm sure you'd explain in another part, there's no point in mentioning it here in something so short.
IV. CHARACTERS
"Godly" is a term that makes me roll my eyes. I'm not a cynic, not really, and while some people may like the Edward Cullens of literature, I am not some people. I find the whole perfection in beauty thing very annoying. It also makes your heroine (I'm guessing it's a she, correct me if I'm wrong) seem a bit shallow, that she recalls his face above anything else. What about his words, his laugh, the things that she would fall in love with. Or is it just his face? That's a bit superficial. However, you do seem to have a bit of a twist in that he's betrayed her. Don't go ruining that by him rushing in saying "I never told them! I love you too much!" Sorry. Mercy, maybe I am a cynic. But flawed characters are a lot more fun. But now I'm rambling, because that has nothing to do with this piece.
V. OVERALL
It wasn't bad. You seem to have some good ideas. Keep on rolling! I'd be interested in reading more, if you're putting it up. Just make sure to proofread, and make your characters real people.
BTW, I love the name Tristan.
PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella.
There's nothing wrong with making the prologue - or preface - mysterious and flabbergasting. You have time to explain later. Also to describe the narrator - later. But do remember to capitalize all 'I's when speaking of oneself, and to cap the first letter at the beginning of a sentence.
And you could lengthen this - it would grab someone more if 'twas longer.
-SELA
okay,
where is this story going? are you going to post another piece?
Who is the narrator? what does she look like? what does mean "i'll be dead in three days"?
you need to explain. i mean, you have caught my interest, but so far, i am not impressed.