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by PirateQueen

Sitting on my bed the thoughts of what had happened earlier that week, were still fresh in my mind. Screams of hysteric children after hearing the gunshots still rang in my ears. Pictures of grown men begging for mercy flashed before me. My brother being dragged off still horrified me.

Tears burned my eyes, while I tried to hold them back. Now wasn’t the time to cry I had to pack and leave. I had to put it all behind me. Looking at my hands I wondered how they could do such horrible things. Mine were still innocent. I’ve never been able to pull the trigger on my gun. Grabbing my backpack I slung it on my back and headed to the kitchen to put some snacks in it. The doorbell rang as I put some apples in my bag. Opening the door I found a police officer standing in front of me.

“Are you Lilly Vinturry?” The officer asked.

“Yes,” I responded.

“You’re under arrest for…” He wasn’t able to continue because as he said this and started to handcuff me I twirled out of his grasp. Realizing I wasn’t going down without a fight he charged. Avoiding him by only a few inches, I pulled my gun out and did the unthinkable. I fired. The bullet hit its mark and the officer fell. I could see the blood on his chest and felt faint, but I wasn’t giving up now. Without considering the consequences I ran. I didn’t look back or think of what I had done, I just ran.

The realization of what I had just done, hit me hard as the adrenaline wore off. I was a fugitive. Wanted by the police, I had no where to go, no where to hide. Helicopters could be heard as I tried to find a place to stay where I couldn’t be found. Branches leapt out and smacked me as I sprinted here and there. Darkness became my cover as I wearily treaded on. All night I walked and walked not even sure where it would lead me. As the moon faded to give room to the sun, I slowed down and collapsed under a tree, finally giving in to sleep.

“Are you okay?”

Groggily I awoke to see a young man’s green eyes staring at me, his black hair moving with the gentle wind. For a moment I forgot where I was, but the memories flooded back. I was on the run.

“I’m fine, thanks.” I pushed my messy, brown hair out of my face.

Staring at me, the man sat down on a tree stump while he drank water.

My mouth felt extremely dry as I looked longingly at his canteen.

Grinning he kept on chugging the water. Finally after eons of wishing I had the strength to strangle him and steal his canteen, he walked over to me.

“You look thirsty, here drink this.” Handing me the canteen, I drank slowly savoring every drop.

The man studied me as I drank, probably determining whether I was a camper or a hobo.

“I’ve never seen anyone cherish water so much.” I kept on drinking ignoring his comment. He didn’t seem to mind, but his green eyes still watched me. When I had all I could drink, I handed the canteen back to the man.

“Thanks for the water I really needed it. Where’s the nearest town?”

Grinning yet again he replied, “I’m afraid I can’t tell you.”

“Why can’t you tell me?”

“I’m not allowed to help fugitives.” Stunned, I stared blankly at him. He laughed at my reaction and threw me a sandwich, which of course hit me on the head. I opened the bag and ate the sandwich trying not to make eye contact with him, though I could feel him staring at me.

Looking at the sky I guessed the time to be about 1:00 PM. When I turned around to ask the guy if I guessed the time correctly he was gone. I didn’t even know his name. Again, I was left alone. The thoughts of kids and adults being murdered came rushing back. The screams of my brother, still echoed in my head.

This time I didn’t stop the tears. I let them come and before I knew it, I was sobbing. Curling up in a ball, I cried until there were no more tears to cry. Anguish engulfed me and I felt like dying. Why did I run from the police? Why did my brother have to be killed, while I got to escape? Pondering these things didn’t help my situation and I soon gave up trying to answer them. A little voice nagged at the back of mind telling me I should just end it now, but I shook the thought away. Drained of energy, I fell into a fitful sleep.

After awaking from a nightmare, I saw that it was night, time to get up and move. Standing was more difficult than I thought due my aches and bruises. Stretching helped a little, but every step I took inflicted pain. I stumbled around trying to find my backpack, which was by the tree stump. Lifting it up, I found it was heavier than before. I peeked in and found a canteen, some sandwiches, wipes, money, and a letter. I opened the letter.

“Dear Criminal,

I lied. I can help you, a fugitive. I hope these extra supplies come in handy.


Guy on a tree stump

P.S. you’re near the town of Parksen.”

I putt the letter back in my bag. Wishing the forest would hurry up and end, I trudged on.

Oddly the darkness was comforting and made me feel secure. It was summer and the warm night helped calm my nerves. Listening I heard a sort of hum, like cars driving by. Suddenly I realized that I was near a rode and picked up the pace to see where I was. Sure enough I found myself by a busy highway. My goal of finding civilization met, I went back into the woods and slept.

I felt something crawl on my arm and I awoke with a start. Flicking off a bug, I froze when I heard voices, but I heard them to late. I was surrounded.

okay so it's not the greatest, but it's my first action type story. Please comment so i can get on the right track. I plan on adding more just haven't gotten there yet.

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227 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 227

Tue Mar 27, 2007 9:36 am
Mad wrote a review...

The choice of words, as people have already said, is very good. Nicely chosen descriptive words which create a vivid image.

Now, commas, someone else has already commented on this so I won't go into it. You need to use them a bit more and in certain places. In the first sentence, as it was the first thing I read, I'll point out something about the comma in it.

Sitting on my bed, the thoughts of what had happened earlier that week, were still fresh in my mind

This doesn't read well, the comma should be:

Sitting on my bed, the thoughts of what had happened earlier that week were still fresh in my mind

Nothing big, I just found it a bit annoying since it was the thing that I first read.

Now the main body of the story. I think that you need to add more emotion when the girl wakes up, a stranger standing over her. The way she reacts at the moment isn't the way I would imagine a fugitive to.

Also some description of this man would be nice, just to give a face to this mysterious man. Doesn't have to be to in depth, a vague description would do just as well as a concise one here.

One last thing, the story jumps a bit. One moment shes asleep the next suddenly awake and alert. Maybe slowly waken her, or wake her with a sound or something noticeable to slow down the movement.

Nice story. I liked it.

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563 Reviews

Points: 13816
Reviews: 563

Mon Mar 19, 2007 10:53 pm
Writersdomain wrote a review...

This is pretty good. As BlackDove, said your word choice is very crisp. Your writing style is very intuitive and I am impressed by how much of the character you conveyed in so little time.

But a few things:

1. Commas. You have a lot of clauses in here that need commas and one or two run-on sentences. Whenever you have an adjective in the form of a verb, you need a comma before the subject. For instance,

Grinning he kept on chugging the water

Here, you need a comma after grinning, because it is describing the man. There were many other instances like this, so work on that. I also noticed a few spelling errors, but a simple readthrough should fix that.

2. Honestly, I think the fact that the character's past is not included makes the piece more interesting. You leave it to the reader's imagination to figure out where this character has been. If you are continuing this story, you could describe it throughout the piece. But, if this is meant to be stand-alone, it might be good to at least include some more responses of the character to her own past.

Keep writing and nice job. :)

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27 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 27

Thu Mar 15, 2007 5:38 pm
BlackDove wrote a review...

This isn't bad. :D You have good ideas and the characters are interesting. Some of the words were well chosen and i enjoyed it for the most part.

Bu i would like to point out a couple of things
1. could you explain a little more about the characters past? You could do this easily enough with the nightmare you said he/she had. Write a little about what happened before there.
2. You don't make it clear what time period it is or where he/she is or even if it is a male or female main character. I imagine a girl but i could be wrong. Why are people being arrested at random? Is the country at war? has he/she done anything to be arrested? (apart from shoot the officer) What's going on!? :?

It's good for a first attept at an action/adventure story but you could take more time to explian certain things about it. The reader would find it more interesting if they knew a little more background :)


You're given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you.
— Madeleine L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time