by PinkPanther
  • April 10, 2011
  • Poetry
  • Lyrical
Comments & reviews · 3
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inkwell
Review
inkwell wrote a review · Sun Apr 10, 2011 6:33 am

PinkPanther wrote:Grass is prickling at my feet,
my thoughts are restless in the heat.
I want to be the rushing creek #FF0000 ">Punctuation at end of line needed, or make the following "w' lower case.
Without a care of what I seek... #FF0000 ">Lose the ellipses here and elsewhere, unless absolutely necessary, they're weak. If done well, the words speak for themselves.

I want to be the golden sunshine
bathing in the crystal water... #FF0000 ">I actually like how this is reversed. Normally I'd think of the water bathing in the light.
Not a distance-loving daughter
who pretends to be an einstein.

I want to be a silver fish,
Who can swim without a leash... #FF0000 ">Lower case "w" to be consistent with first stanza.
Or better yet- a grizzlie bear!
Who would touch me? Who would dare!?

#FF0000 ">This stanza gives the impression of a children's story. If that's what you're trying to create than well done. Otherwise tone it down a bit.

Yet G-d has put me where I am,
a species full of hate and sling. #FF0000 ">Make "sling" plural.
But I can laugh and love and sing#FF0000 "> Punctuation at end of line.
I don't have to be like them.


Nice poem! It's a little inconsistent with format and tone, making it a little weird to read. The lines about being a daughter who pretends to be einstein felt random at best. I'm also confused by your censoring of "God." Just a little distracting in my opinion. I like the poem though, for what it is though. And by your own admission it is a little "juvenile."
The last stanza is strong and positive, and, if not surprising in subject, surprising in delivery.

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BehindtheMask
Review
BehindtheMask wrote a review · Sun Apr 10, 2011 5:19 am

Hello PinkPanther. I liked it, I enjoy those "expressing individuality" type support groups/poems/songs, etc. They're all sweet and stuff.

Okay, first of all, the rhyme scheme was unorganized and sloppy. For example, in the first stanza you have a strict pattern;

Grass is prickling at my feet, #FF0000 ">(A)
my thoughts are restless in the heat. #FF0000 ">(A)
I want to be the rushing creek #FF0000 ">(B)
Without a care of what I seek... #FF0000 ">(B)



But then here in the second stanza you break that already:

I want to be the golden sunshine #FF0000 ">(C)
bathing in the crystal water... #FF0000 ">(D) I also think the ellipsis is unnecessary.
Not a distance-loving daughter #FF0000 ">(D)
who pretends to be an einstein. #FF0000 ">(C)


And again, in the third, it's different:

I want to be a silver fish, #FF0000 ">(E)
Who can swim without a leash... #FF0000 ">(F) Again I think the ellipsis is unneeded.
Or better yet- a grizzlie bear! #FF0000 ">(G)
Who would touch me? Who would dare!? #FF0000 ">(G)


Okay, so the point is if you want to keep a constant flow in your poetry if you're rhyming, you should always have a rhyme scheme. Otherwise it seems unorganized. For instance, in a Couplet there are two-line stanzas and each stanza has a simple AA, BB pattern.

Besides the distracting ". . ."'s and the uneven rhyme flow, I thought this was very cute. :)

~BTM

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Soulkana
Comment
Soulkana commented · Sun Apr 10, 2011 4:16 am

I truly loved this poem ^^ Hope to see more from you!! Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!!!!!!
Soulkana<3



Knowing too much of your future is never a good thing.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief