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The Meeting

by PinkJupiter


Amaris Stirmait was running through the woods, racing time. The Jedi were coming to save her war-filled planet, and would hopefully take her away. She knew she was odd, as she knew what would happen before they happened. She ran even faster, even though her legs hurt and she was gasping for breath. She burst out of the woods into the warm sunshine. She laughed as she saw her home, but her laughing suddenly stopped when she saw droids. So many droids- in fact, there were too many. Amaris screamed, warning her parents, but it was too late. They were shot down. She wanted to run to save them, but she physically couldn't. She screamed again. 

Just then, a hand touched her shoulder. She spun, ready to attack whatever was there, but was stopped. 

"Hey! I'm not gonna hurt you." She saw a man, with golden hair and a beard, dressed in Jedi robes. 

"You're a Jedi?" She asked him. He nodded. "What's your name?"

"I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi and this is my apprentice, Anakin Skywalker," he told her. Anakin stepped forward. 

"Nice to meet you," Anakin said. He extended his hand, and Amaris shook it. 

"I'm Amaris." 

Anakin perked up. "Amaris! That... that's beautiful!" 

"Thanks." Amaris looked down at her shoes, blushing. 

"We should get going Anakin. Do you want to come with us?" Obi-Wan asked. Amaris nodded.

"I don't really have anything left here. It's just a house." But Amaris knew that she actually had a lot, that she was the queen of the whole planet, and yet, she was going to abandon it. 

"Well then. Let's get going." Anakin turned around and started walking away, but Obi-Wan waited for Amaris. She sighed, but turned and went with them, not knowing what would happen. 

I want to turn this into a book, so it won't just be this chapter. Until next time!


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Points: 7
Reviews: 4

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Sun Mar 29, 2020 9:09 am
DauntlessDagger wrote a review...



Nice to see another Star Wars fan! Okay, here’s the review:
Bad cop:
The first paragraph feels a bit clumsy. To fix it I’d maybe turn it into two or three paragraphs, and try to have each sentence start with a different word, just to make it sound smoother.
It moves a little bit too fast. Maybe put a little bit more of Amira watching her planet and family get destroyed, and describe how she feels and reacts.
And speaking of reacting, Amira gets over losing her family really fast. Again, maybe show a bit more of her emotions and reaction to everything.
Also, I’d explain more clearly in the beginning that she’s the queen of the whole planet.

Good cop:
Like I said, it’s a bit too fast but that’s better then too slow. I like how you don’t waste time setting up the story and get right to the action.
It’s always nice to see a female character in lead, especially a female Jedi. I’m also looking forward to her romance with Anakin, as it will cut out the less then healthy one he had with Padme.
You’re writing style is great.
And it’s Star Wars! I can’t wait to read the next one




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Points: 7
Reviews: 4

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Sun Mar 29, 2020 9:07 am
DauntlessDagger says...



Nice to see another Star Wars fan! Okay, here’s the review:
Bad cop:
The first paragraph feels a bit clumsy. To fix it I’d maybe turn it into two or three paragraphs, and try to have each sentence start with a different word, just to make it sound smoother.
It moves a little bit too fast. Maybe put a little bit more of Amira watching her planet and family get destroyed, and describe how she feels and reacts.
And speaking of reacting, Amira gets over losing her family really fast. Again, maybe show a bit more of her emotions and reaction to everything.
Also, I’d explain more clearly in the beginning that she’s the queen of the whole planet.

Good cop:
Like I said, it’s a bit too fast but that’s better then too slow. I like how you don’t waste time setting up the story and get right to the action.
It’s always nice to see a female character in lead, especially a female Jedi. I’m also looking forward to her romance with Anakin, as it will cut out the less then healthy one he had with Padme.
You’re writing style is great.
And it’s Star Wars! I can’t wait to read the next one




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27 Reviews


Points: 678
Reviews: 27

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Sun Feb 23, 2020 8:16 pm
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Em16 wrote a review...



Hey! I’m a huge Star Wars fan (and have written a few Star Wars fics of my own) so I was super excited to read your story. I love the idea you have here, and I think you could make a lot out of it.
That said, I feel like you moved a little fast. It’s only been half a page, and already the main character’s planet is being destroyed, she’s been saved by Jedi, and they are taking her away. I’d like to read more about the destruction of her planet. I think it’d be cool if, while she was running, you put in a few flashbacks and cut to the “before”- go to what life was like before the droids invaded, and then, in one of the later flashbacks, show the first time the droids invaded. That would add a lot of texture and character development to the story.
I also thought the Jedi found her pretty quickly. I, as a reader, hadn’t fully adjusted to the idea of her planet being destroyed, and then I was surprised by the fact that Obi-Wan and Anakin show up. Obi-Wan and Anakin also seem a little calm for being in the middle of a battle-torn planet. Shouldn’t there be a little more screaming/blaster fire/lightsaber twirling? Maybe they could find Amaris when they save her life.
I could see, very quickly, that you were setting up Anakin and Amaris to be lovers. That’s cool, and I think you should totally go for it, if you think that’s what’s right for the story. But, I feel like there would be a lot of complications with that particular plotline. Anakin and Padmé are the sacred couple in Star Wars (as I’m sure you’re aware). Anakin was in love with her since he was 10. They were married since he was 20. That’s not really something that can just be ignored/bypassed.
The way I see it, you have two options. One, is just to say “screw Padmé”. You can totally make the case that they were bad for each other, Amaris is what Anakin really needs, and George Lucas is an idiot (which is kind of true). If you do that, the whole tension between Amaris/Padmé would probably be a significant part of the story. Also, with Amaris as the love interest, you’d have to figure out how that affects Luke/Leia and the original trilogy. Does Anakin still turn bad? Or does Amaris keep him from turning to the dark side?
The other option, I think, is to put Amaris in as a temporary love interest. Their relationship doesn’t work out in the end, but for a little while, they’re in love. That would be easier, I think. Still, you should do what you think is best in the story.
I look forward to reading what happens to Amaris next!




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Points: 164
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Tue Feb 04, 2020 8:04 pm
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Ruthie says...



That was really cool. Are the things that happen in Star Wars going to affect them? Can't wait to see what you do with this story. I loveyour writing style! Keep it up!




PinkJupiter says...


Some things are going to affect them. I'm not sure yet.



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18 Reviews


Points: 805
Reviews: 18

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Tue Feb 04, 2020 6:16 pm
2Stareyes wrote a review...



Wow! That was great! You should write more, maybe she and Anakin get together? That sounds great! I really like this idea, it is sad that Amaris's parents died

I think you could have added more details and that would have been helpful. Where are they? What are they? Human alien? What planet are they on?

Sounds like a good plot line but the more detail the better if you can. Maybe some more back story? Thanks




PinkJupiter says...


I didn't give much information cause I want the Jedi council to find out her back-story- along with anyone who reads it. That chapter will probably be the next one. I also need to come up with a better back story then I already have in my head. But I do know what the planet is. They are on Illeara, a planet which I made up, by the way. Illeara has multiple deserts, one of which is right next to the forest she ran out of. She and her family live in that desert. Illeara also has two oceans, a few rivers and a lot of settlements. So yeah. Anakin, Amaris and Obi-Wan are all humans, and I'm thinking about Anakin and Amaris getting together.



2Stareyes says...


thanks




We think in generalities, but we live in details.
— Alfred North Whitehead