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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Howdy! I'm Jazz and I'm here to review your story!
May the main character rest in peace. I like finding books where the main character dies in the first chapter because there's a new element that most stories don't have. Especially coming to life as the object that killed them.
In the next chapter it would be nice to see more worldbuilding! You don't really see that here, so the readers, us, don't know what's going on. Is this more futuristic, is it looking like it does now, or is it a few years back?
You did pretty well with your commas, but there's a few places where I see that they could be removed.
You did great at describing things and I could imagine what's going on in my head. There are the thoughts of the person which gives us a little more of their personality, but we don't really know anything about their gender or who they actually are.
I'm interested to see where this ends up going! Have a good day and night!
Rolling out,
Jazz
hello @Pinhydrous1! welcome to yws! i'm century, here to review your lovely work!
First Impressions
This was a great (if short) short story! I loved the subversion of regular tropes in anime/manga. There were a suprising amount of pop-culture/recent event references!
Compliments/Things I Liked
I love your unique writing style, and how vividly you describe things. A few quotes I liked were:
Critiques/Room for Improvement
A few things to note here:
1) Normally, if you're going to write things in chapters, you'd label the work as a Novel/Chapter.
2) The A/N (author's note) you left at the end would normally be added either in italics, or as a comment under the work.
3) Some readers might want a bit more of an exposition to our MC and what kind of world they live in. Maybe talk about who they are, if you want to.
Final Thoughts
Overall, this was a great read, and I'm excited to see what else you come up with!
~Keep writing!
-Century
why did it breakk
This is my first story lol