Crash Landing

by Pilot

Published March 17, 2012

First I would simply watch,
from a distance,
into the eyes,
that snagged my own

Four seasons time,
rode right by,
and then one more,
just for good measure

We once said hello,
then conversation brewed,
your name in my mind,
originally distant,
now close

We talked,
then we joked,
we smiled,
then we laughed

Friends were all we were,
though the spark seemed there,
our life would carry on,
as our age stood,
sturdy at the unlucky number

Classes were split,
the year departed,
and we went our separate ways,
to our friends to spend the summer

The warmth soon ended,
and education was again required,
our classes together were not as often,
yet I thrived to see you again

My friend had told me,
once hiking a mountain,
that you viewed in me,
what I viewed in you

But now you just ignore me.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
ChocoCookie
Comment
ChocoCookie commented Comment · Mar 24, 2012

Pilot! :O

Yes! Yes! I read it. ^^
Anyway, like every else said, you kind of lost the flow of the poem a bit. Though, I loved this poem.
It was very touching and some sentences seemed to be little long but, that doesn't matter. :)

Keep Writing! 8D

Cookie. ;)

User avatar
Stellabeam
Review
Stellabeam wrote a review Review · Mar 22, 2012

Great poem!!! I can really relate to this poem in so many different ways. My favorite line is " But now you just ignore me." It's final, abrupt and simple. I love simplicity. That line sent a chill down my back in fact I will add it as my signature for a while (giving you full credit of course)

Only thing that you might switch around with word choice "our classes together were not as often,yet I thrived to see you again" I would suggest changing thrived to yearned because thrived means "to prosper; be fortunate or successful or to grow or develop vigorously; flourish: " and yearned is more of a longing to see someone or to get something.

Pilot replied · Mar 22, 2012

Thanks for the feedback :) Feel free to use the line in your signature :D

User avatar
Justagirl
Review
Justagirl wrote a review Review · Mar 17, 2012

Friends were all we were,
You used 'friends' twice, making it a bit repetitive in this line.

Other than what I just pointed out, I loved this!
Your flow was great and although your word choice consisted greatly of 'were' you did a great job of avoiding the awkward word 'school.
For future reference, you don't have to have your poem be all one sentence. Add punctuation at the end and in the middle of stanzas! It doesn't all have to be commas! :)

Great job, I think there's not really anything else to do with it ;)
-Justagirl

Road To Darkness wrote a review Review · Mar 17, 2012

Wow. This is really good. You're not a terribe writer at all, you're super really good. LOl, if that makes any sense. I don't have any reviews on my first piece titled "Wounds." But if you patiently wait, all good things will come so I'm waiting. Anyway, I didn't notice any errors of any kind. If you ever want advice or anything feel free to PM me!
~Stephanie.



Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
— Mark Twain