z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Branded pt. 1

by PickledChrissy


“Is that all you know?” The voice is low, sweet, and yet seems to come from the very pits of hell.

Gritting my teeth against the fear that clamors in the pit of my stomach, I nod. “That is it. Please… Leave me be, my Lady.”

She leans forward from the wooden chair; her small feet touch the stone floor, covered in mud, stains of blood, and the many signs of the tortures that have been carried out in this small room. “And you are certain that is all you know?”

The hands holding me down tighten. A waft of sheer heat from the red hot brand held too close touches my cheek and I feel the terror begin to build in my middle once more. I keep my eyes locked on her smiling green ones. “Yes, my Lady. It is all.”

“Is it?” She muses over the words slowly, removing her gaze from my sweating body to rub her delicate hand across the gilded armrest of her seat. “Somehow… it seems that you should know more, Stellen.”

A tremor runs through my frame; I try to hide it, try not to let the dread in my heart show on my face. It doesn’t matter. You can smell it in the air. The entire chamber reeks of old agony, of broken promises, and trusts that were not sacred enough to be kept when faced with what all men fear.

Her attention moves to the man holding my right arm. She favors him with a lovely smile, brushing a single black strand of hair behind her ear. “The metal has cooled. If you would see to it?”

“But, my Lady…” His grip stiffens; he stares at her in uncertainty.

She waves her hand towards the chains hanging from the walls. “Put him back where he came from, by all means. He claims he knows nothing. What else can I do?”

Hope sends a dangerous thrill through me. I know much, too much for my own good. I know everything, and she must realize that. What is she doing?

I don’t bother resisting as they press my raw back once more against the damp wall and raise my hands over my head. My shoulders scream in protest, but I ignore the shards of discomfort already piercing the sore muscles. She’s letting you off too easy. Don’t be a fool, Stellen. There is something else wrong.

Ignoring the haunting suspicion, I try and focus my muddled mind on her again; the cold iron cuffs close on my wrists. She’s smiling, but not at her man this time. The expression is centered on me. Her lovely, but cold eyes are glued to my blood smeared face.

Both men step away from my side. With their support gone, my body moans once more in protest against the unbearable pain that has laid hold of my being.

“Out,” She commands with a slight gesture of her fingers, not even bothering to glance in their direction. They probably bow when leaving the room, wouldn’t dare to do otherwise, but I can’t tell for certain. There is only enough strength left in my sleep deprived mind for one more struggle. Maybe, if I can get past this, maybe then she will let me die. Maybe.

The heavy door slams behind them and we are left alone in the torture chamber. Her smile grows.

“Stellen.” She rises to her feet in a single graceful movement, her black gown falling in perfect folds about her slim form. “You have held out admirably.”

Her head cocks to the side. “I’ll admit, I didn’t excepted such steadfast resistance. Ava has loyal followers, if not very many of them.”

“She may have more of them than you think, Melody,” I reply, surprised by the wave of fury that catches me off guard.

“Insolence,” She notes with equal surprise. “Not the response I thought to have from you. Your strength seemed to be of the quieter sort, without any of the bluster that many of your companions have shown when put to the test. I struck a tender cord, then?”

“You will speak of her as Lady Ava,” I answer coldly. “That is her title. You may deny her right to the seat of power, but you will at least address her by the name that those of her blood merit!”

“And sudden anger.” Turning, she bends closer to the fire-pit set in the center of the stone floor and stirs the coals with the heavy branding iron placed there by the guard at her command. “A very tender cord.”

“She is the true heir.” I choose the words carefully. “With the line of male descent broken, she holds the best claim. All true men follow her, or wish they had the courage.”

She stands, turning back to me. Her small hand is still closed around the rough pole. She holds it towards me, a faint smile curling one end of her delicate mouth.

A tremor runs through my soul again. I want to scream, to send a visible sign of the terror in my heart to all that walk the earth. And I remain silent.

“You know this symbol?” Her free hand gestures towards the shape on the end. Finely formed beneath all the soot, it glows a dull red.

I focus on it, even though I already know. The two dragons chase each other in an endless circle, wings arched in flight, feathers streaming back from their crested heads. If it was on a banner, one would be white, the other black as midnight. Now they are red. Glowing with a fiery hunger. “It is your family crest.”

A quiet laugh escapes her. “Yes, so it is. And this brand… it is the one I use on the cattle. I ordered it brought to this room especially for the occasion.”

She smiles at me again, green eyes glinting with suppressed laughter. Her slim body moves closer, so close that my skin begins to crawl with revulsion. She leans against the wall at my side; I shrink back, staying as far away as the chains on my wrist will allow.

And she speaks once more, still with that slow, hungry smile. “Why do we mark cattle? Will you explain it to me?”

I’m trembling, I can’t help it. All the pain and fear from the last few weeks of torture pour into my soul. Ava, how much must I give you? My soul sends the cry up in silence, and I bite my tongue. I swore, gave my word to keep silent. Even if it means death… or worse.

“Since you are mute, I suppose I must finish.” She comes even nearer; her long black hair wafts gently in a gentle breeze that slips through the bars of the single small window in the far side of the room.

“I mark my cattle, Stellen, to show that they belong to me. My property, thralls to my will.” The branding iron lifts higher as she brandishes it before my weary gray eyes. “Tell me what you know, or you also shall bear my mark. Do you wish for the world to see you as my slave?”

I force my shoulders to lift in a careless shrug. “With or without your mark on my body, I will still die. You have flogged me, my Lady. Daily tortures for almost two weeks. Burns on my arms, and legs. Threats, lies, flattery and promises… You almost tried the rack once, only passing it by for fear that I should die without telling what I knew.”

“Wounds heal.” The iron wavers in her hands; her eyes narrow in sudden alarm.

A tired grin touches my mouth. “That’s right, my Lady. But you can’t whip me day after day, and then leave the wounds exposed in your rat infested prison without some sort of repercussion. Every stripe on my back is inflamed. Infection has set in, I’m not going to last.”

“You would steal from me my revenge,” She hisses through clenched teeth. Spinning round in a whirl of black silk, she calls for her guards in a voice that shakes with barely controlled rage.

The sound slaps the side of my aching head. I wince, letting my eyes slid shut and allow my body to hang from the chains on my wrists. Every muscle in my beaten form screams in agony, wailing for rest. If only she would order me killed, or leave me in peace to die in my own time.

“Stellen.” My name is spoken quietly, almost swallowed by the grating of the rusty hinges on the door.

Forcing myself upright, I level my gaze on her tiny form. Movement behind her warns of the approach of her men, but I ignore them. This moment is my battle.

“You don’t have enough information stored within your soul to merit my wasting any more time on breaking you.” Her green eyes smile, but the expression is cruel, sharp as a freshly whetted knife. She is out for blood. “My councilors tell me that I spend too much time on your sorry carcass, that you are useless unless you can be broken.”

“You can’t break me.” I spit the words into her beautiful face, dragging out the last few drops of my strength. “Kill me, Lady Melody. Let me die, throw me in your dungeon with the rest of the ones that proved useless. If I have information worth telling, I’m obviously not giving it!”

She holds the branding iron out, a guard takes it from her hand. He carefully places it back in the fire, and reaches for the poker leaning on the side of the open fireplace. A billow of spark rises as he plunges the iron rod into the heart of the flames.

“Allow me to finish, if you will. I was going to say that I disagree. I firmly believe that you can be of use to me, Stellen. Bloodied back and all.”

“And how,” I say carefully, fighting to keep my voice steady in spite of the pain that threatens it. “Would I, a lowly laborer, serve you?”

Her dark head inclines to the side, and the smile on the lovely face grows softer. “As my example. Let the country see what it means to go against Lady Melody. To go against the heir to the throne. I shall allow you to live, even permit you to return to your darling Ava.”

I bite my lip to force myself to remain silent. There is a time to defend her honor, and her rightful title, but it is not now. Ava would understand.

“But you shall bear my mark. Until the day you die, most likely in defense of your idol, the mark of Melody Stygian will be on your skin.”

The terror in my heart ascends a notch. This is it. My instincts tell me that this is the end. I have evaded her questions for two and a half weeks, most of them put to me under torture.

Now, at the last test, pain and terror both rise up together to scream silently in my chest. Words bubble up in my throat. The words she wanted to hear, everything that I held back. Keep silent, you fool! Remember your oath.

“Amazing, isn’t it?” She turns slightly towards the brown-haired man at the brazier behind her. “Just when you think that honor is extinct, you find a man that will give his all for it.”

“Melody.” The words I allow to leave my lips are short and clipped. “There is something that I love even more than my honor. It is for that I am willing to die. And if necessary, I will also give my life. Dying would be easier, but I am willing to live on maimed if it is asked of me.”

“How heroic,” She comments dryly. Then speaking to the guard once more, “Is it ready?”

He lifts the brand out of the blaze. It pulses in the stinking air of the room, burning through the scent of blood to touch my nostrils with its metallic odor. “Yes, my Lady. It is ready. Do you wish for it?”

Her nose curls in distaste at the mere thought. “No, stupid one! It is one thing to threaten him with it, but for me to actually do it myself? You may hold the iron.”

“Where would you like it done?” His body comes towards us slowly. I feel myself tremble at his every step, eyes fastened on the red-hot dragons that are to sear their mark into my skin. Forcing them up, I look at Melody. I will not beg, but the temptation calls for my attention anyways. And I can’t ignore it. Not now.

She continues to smile at me in her charming, cold way. “The right cheek. I want it to be in plain sight.” Her hand rises in the air and gestures for the man by the door to come forward. “Hold him down. If he thrashes, the burn will be misshapen. I want my crest to be obvious for the world to see.”

My blue eyes dart to him, but I don’t see him. A thin reel of shock slices through my soul.

The face is that of an angel, despite the ash and blood that besmirch the skin. Brown eyes watch me with deep concern. The round chin trembles in silent compassion,and a tear slides down through the dirt on her freckled cheek. Ava.

Reason tells me she can’t be here, that this image is the product of fear, pain, and weeks of abuse. But it is her face, her slim body in its black leather pants and tattered green tunic. The shirt of metal rings pulled over the top of the tunic and fastened with the belt of stained brown leather is as I remember it, complete with the five broken links at her right shoulder from the arrow.

“There is no need to hold me down, Melody.” I press my back firmly against the stone wall; a thousand needles slice into my back on contact. I’m not flinching in front of Ava.

Her green eyes are on me, I feel the icy touch sliding across my body. “I believe you. But all the same…” A white hands waves carelessly in my direction. “Hold him down.”

The tanned girl by the door winces in anticipation of the iron. With my eyes on her, I don’t see it coming, but I can sense the body of the man moving steadily closer. And then I can’t avoid the sight, he draws so near.

The glowing metal rises directly in front of my eyes. I cast a look at the bearded face before me; his expression is that of a dead man, no heart within the body. And no pity.

The rough hands of the second guard grab my head and slam it back against the wall. A jab of pain pierces my building terror, wrapping round my neck and sinking into my torso. No use in struggling. The thought is bitter, but I accept it anyways. When he presses my head to the side, I turn it for him without being forced.

And the branding iron comes, both dragons pulsing a heavy red; I make no movement to stop it, or withdraw out of the way.

Melody’s dark hair moves round the other side of her man. She moves closes, hungry for a glimpse of her revenge on a person that would not break, or betray the faith bestowed on him.

The hot metal touches skin.

Pure heat sears into my cheek. It grows, consuming everything else in its path. There is no other pain, no guards watching. I hover in another world where there is nothing but me, and this torture. And there is Ava.

She is faint, somehow a part of this red existence that tastes of death and despair. And she weeps. The tears stream down her face as she watches. I don’t move, but the torment must find release somehow.

My voice escapes into the filthy air. It rises high in a scream of agony. And then the pressure on the side of my face is gone. But the heat remains. Sinking deeper with every second, a part of me. It will leave, but only after it has left its mark.

I hear words being spoken. They somehow slip into the world that I inhabit and curl around my mind. And then I’m leaving the world. A gentle force pulls me towards the door and does not relent until I pass through.

I don’t return to the room. The dark claims my mind immediately, and I give into its calls. Slowly, I fall beneath the pall of the night. But even in my unconsciousness, I feel the pain. It is living. It will leave someday, but its mark will always stay.

In the black of night, there is nothing. Nothing but the screaming agony. Even Ava has left me. And I’m alone. 


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5 Reviews


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Sun Jun 03, 2018 6:23 am
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SimpleBicycle wrote a review...



Oh gosh, this drew me in right away and kept me on the edge of my seat the whole way through. My heart is still pounding as I write this :D
First off, I felt an immediate affinity to Stellen. I love characters that start out in bad situations--underdogs, basically. He's in a horrible situation, and that instantly creates a /want/ in me as a reader. I want to see him survive this. I want to see him succeed.

I love Lady Melody as a character too. She's a beautiful woman with a beautiful name--and yet she's here in this dungeon, torturing the character I already want to win. I felt a great revulsion towards her because of the conflict. Villains with beautiful faces are great because of the contrast--we want to believe they're good just because they're attractive, but that's not always the case. It reminds me of Umbridge (from the movies) or that one cutesy girl from Kill La Kill (forgive me, I haven't actually watched Kill La Kill).

Now, this is just my personal opinion, and I can't speak for anyone else here, but I like how this scene isn't too gritty. It's a torture scene, so it's automatically tense, but you don't really go too in depth with descriptions. It would be really easy to make this scene quite disgusting by describing Stellen's wounds, or what kind exactly kind of torture methods he's gone through, but you decided to leave that to the imaginations of the readers. It lets us decide how gross we want to make it, without freaking out some of the more squeamish people.
I think fantasy readers won't be turned off by it at all. I know I've read way more disgusting things in my time haha.

I love the buildup before the brand touches Stellen's skin. You really take your time describing every little detail. My heart was racing waiting for it :D
Right afterwards though, I feel like you could make the pacing quicker. It's more of a personal preference of mine, but I think it might make it stronger if the sentences were shorter and snappier. Describe his first internal reaction (the pain, the fear, his heart racing, etc.), the instinctual physical reaction (does he tense up?), and the rational physical action (the scream)--in that order. You've almost got it down, but I think if you move the paragraph with Ava's reaction to /after/ his scream, it might make it stronger.

I would break it up into:
[The hot metal touches skin.

Pure heat sears into my cheek. It grows, consuming everything else in its path. There is no other pain, no guards watching. I hover in another world where there is nothing but me, and this torture.

My voice escapes into the filthy air. It rises high in a scream of agony. (Maybe extend this a bit more? Drag out his reaction?)

And there is Ava. She is faint, somehow a part of this red existence that tastes of death and despair. And she weeps. The tears stream down her face as she watches. I don’t move, but the torment must find release somehow.

And then the pressure on the side of my face is gone. But the heat remains. Sinking deeper with every second, a part of me. It will leave, but only after it has left its mark.]

Could probably do some more shuffling/rewriting the transitions, but I think you get my point :D

Anyways this review is becoming a million miles long so I'll summarize here:
I love, love, love this so far. This appeals to me so much as a fantasy reader. I love the pain, I love the torture, I love the hatred I already have for Lady Melody. You do such a great job of developing that immediate, intense attachment to the character(s). I'm rooting so hard for Stellen already.
The pacing is great. It's got a steady rise and fall to it. Just like I said, a few minor adjustments here and there could make it stronger. Consider thinking paragraphs as a loop of: motivation (something happens), and reaction (the POV's character's response). What happens, and how does Stellen react to it?
Anyways, you're allowed to disregard all my advice if you want. Just some suggestions :)
I can't wait to see where this story goes!






Thanks! I'm happy you liked it. I've been working on this story for a while and fallen in love with it, but I didn't expect such an enthusiastic response.:)



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Sat Jun 02, 2018 8:08 pm
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Banana25 wrote a review...



Alright, a quick review....

I really like this story and it kept me on the edge of my seat the whole way through! Just a few little things to clarify:

"my weary gray eyes."

"My blue eyes dart to him"

Are Stellen's eyes blue or gray?

Also, this isn't a huge deal but you use the words pain and soul a lot. I know what you are getting at but it gets a little repetitive in my opinion. Maybe use agony or affliction a few times. Mix it up.

I am really curious to learn more about Lady Ava and how Stellen came to know her. They seem to have a special relationship if he is willing to die for her and saw her face in times of pain.

One more thing: Melody. The name instantly makes me think of a sweet, beautiful girl, not a villain. I don't know if that was your point, but I'm getting mixed images from the name.

This is great and I look forward to reading more!

-Banana25






Thank you for the review! His eyes are supposed to be gray, so that was me slipping up. Melody's name was intentional. Her character has a major arc that is revealed more as the story progresses.



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Sat Jun 02, 2018 3:54 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hey Chrissy! I just saw this and thought I'd drop by for a review :D

So we begin in a torture chamber. Ugh with torture. I honestly don't know much about this--only that Lady Melody snatched a title from the rightful owner, Stellen's leader, Lady Ava--but I'm already concerned for Lady Ava and Stellen. Even though I don't really know Stellen well, I get worried for him already because of the nasty torture and I already guess that Lady Melody must be the villain because she seems to be able to torture remorselessly. I know Stellen's not going to die from this but I hope he can escape and get better soon! If his wounds are infected, I imagine he might later come down with a fever perhaps and become ill. No. And the brand. It will mark him forever D:

As for the beginning, I feel like maybe this could be a turn-off for some readers because of the torture, but I also feel like this can keep the reader on the edges of his or her seat.

I feel as though Melody is an interesting villain. She's dangerous for sure--the danger comes from the fact that she has a lot of power and doesn't hesitate to hurt people. And I can tell she's cruel with all that smiling in her eyes. I don't think she's pure evil, either. It's all about the power. I feel as though she'd do anything to keep that power. I wonder how she managed to claim the throne and all. And I wonder how she's going to try to keep her power.

One minor note I have is that sometimes body parts seem to move on their own?? :p Like here

Brown eyes watch me with deep concern. The round chin trembles in silent compassion,and a tear slides down through the dirt on her freckled cheek.


and some more. I feel like it's kind of funny, the way they seem to act by themselves, as though they're a single being and not part of a person. Maybe you could add something like "Her brown eyes", "her round chin". I know this is sort of tricky to achieve without adding lots of "her"'s to the story but you know, it sounds a little odd to describe body parts that way.

I'm curious on how Ava came out. It could be a product of Stellen's mind, hallucinations, maybe, from all that torture (two weeks is an awful lot in my opinion, and he must be very tough and incredibly loyal to not break down). Or maybe it's something else. Maybe she knows. It's very odd. I wonder, if she is going to lurk somewhere in Stellen's mind(?) when he wakes up.

Anyway, hope this ramble of a review could help you with this story! Feel free to let me know if you have any questions.

-Ink






Thanks for the review! It really helps. One thing, what do you think of their names? I've had some negative feedback concerning Melody.



PrincessInk says...


I like the name Ava and Stellen :) For Melody...to me, she gives me the impression of a sweet lady but this Melody is MOST definitely different and that's a little surprising but the irony is not lost on me :p I don't have too much of an opinion of the names, though anyway.





Thanks! As far as the name normally applying to a sweet lady, that was intentional. Melody is one of my favorite characters because she is the most conflicted.




Love is not an emotion. Love is a promise.
— 12th Doctor