As with the first in the series, these poems are meant to be read with the emphasis on the last word.
I do not fear the wild beasts
With tooth and claw they tear
Slashing into flesh
Effortlessly
Drinking blood
Eating
Souls
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Yeah, it does seem kind of random, but it evolved on a page somehow. I don't know. I was also sorta limited by the format I chose, but I guess if I totally revamped it I could go more into the idea. I'll think about it and see if anything comes to me. Who knows? Maybe I'll be able to write a longer version of these poems eventually that is more evocative than these little blurbs.
As with part 1, I don't see a point to this, other than "I don't fear scary stuff", descriptions of flesh being maimed and random words slapped onto the bottom.
Lohl, that above was rather redundant. XD
But really -- I don't see feeling or action behind the words. We're being told the beasts tear into flesh, but I don't feel anything. I can't even see the beasts in my mind when reading the poem because the descriptions are so dry. I won't mention the lack of grammar, but because of the lack of grammar you're loosing the opportunity to evoke stronger reactions. I shall borrow a leaf out of Sir Fand's book and explain.
See....
"Hello." could be interpreted as uncaring, quiet, calm.
"Hello!" enthusiastic, happy, cheerful, sarcastic.
"Hello..." sad, tired, groggy.
Get what I mean?
But that's slightly hypocritical because I'm averse to grammar in poetry, too; that's just an example of what grammar can do, so it's always a good idea to know that option if you ever care to take advantage of it.
That said, 'tis still potato pudding.
Cheers,
Sumi
There probably is a name for it, but I can't think of it. Oh, well. Yes, it was originally a series, but I didn't like it that way. Some of the emphasis was lost, I thought. No duh! Why didn't I think of putting the last word in italics! *bangs forehead against computer* I'll have to fix that. Oh, and they didn't seem complete as a whole, at least when I looked at it. They just looked sorta...ranty. I dunno. There are more in the series, which I will post when I get around to it. Actually, I haven't posted the best of the series, yet.
I liked the first one better, but this one was good too. I think it would make a bit more sense if you put both of them together, as i suggested in the first one. Is there a name for this type of poem, by the way?
Merry Writing!
~Bella~
Okay defintely put some italics or an explanation point on the last word so we as the readers know to emphasize it. And I think your two poems could easliy be combined into one poem with two stanzas. It would make it so interesting and alot more complete.Then you could add more...
.
But what do I know?
p.s.- I like these poems by the way.