Published October 2, 2007
These poems are supposed to be read with the emphasis on the very last word. Otherwise, you'll miss part of it.
I do not fear the taste of flame
Fire consumes both flesh and bone
As if a hungry beast
Had died still hungry
And his spirit
Tries to fill
Itself
Still
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Canary word: Present
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I tried to focus on the last word in each line, but, I'm sorry, you lost me. The idea of a beast and flame and hunger could be really cool, but I don't understand this piece. I'm not saying it's bad; I can't because I don't understand what you're trying to do.
.Maybe you should clarify the work itself or give us some more insight. I'll wait for part 2.
I don't know,
Interesting, but you don't take this idea deeper, so it falls flat.
Does it? I'm not believing anything you tell me unless you show me why it's true.
Repetition of "hungry" weakens the idea. Also, obviously a hungry beast would die hungry. I would be angry if you said a hungry beast died full.
What does this all mean? Did you choose those words specifically for rhyming? If so, revise. This is known as forced rhyme, and words like "still" are weak, especially for rhyming, since the words you rhyme get extra emphasis. So make sure rhymes fall on important words.
Erm, what? What's going on here? It's all telling, no showing, and I don't see a point/meaning behind it. It had some nice description -- especially the hungry beast part -- but I don't see any frame of action or feeling to actually bind all the elements into a good poem.
So I'll just say this before I move onto the next stanza:
That, and you don't need to break up a poem so much: I've been looking at the other sections and it's quite unnecessary. We'll only complain about length if the poem is about twenty stanzas long, so you're good. ^_~ But here, I'm assuming you want us to pay careful and individual attention to each stanza.
I can't do a line-by-line here, as there isn't much at all for me to pick apart and slash to ribbons.
Bland potato pudding.
That's what this poem reminds me of. Potato pudding.
Cheers,
Sumi
I like it, although it's rather short. I'm going to go look at Part Two, but why couldn't it be added to this? (Yeah, I'm repeating Sassy) It does sound pretty awesome though, just short.
Merry Writing!
~Bella~
Reminds me of the motif of fire from Fahrenheit 451...not that it has to do with your poem! But I liked it and yet I am not considered the best person to review your poem. So I'll just say what someone more experienced would say."Your formating is off, I saw a little rhytym but maybe not enough" or they might say " Add more detail and imgaery so we as the readers can see something unique, and know what your talking about." Maybe they would say that, I'm not sure. But what I would say personally is to add some more detail, I notice you have a part two...Why not combine them? And maybe have some stanzas.
!